This is a true story:
one time when I was around 12 we were at this beach cove -where many people had died over the years-where you weren’t allowed to swim in the water due to rip currents- and very large and erratic waves- and there were huge rocks that jutted out into the ocean that you could walk down- and there were tall and jagged cliffs-there were huge eucalyptus trees and caves with bats inside -and raccoons who would take food right from your hand- and the sea water was a dark bluish gray-always pounding and swallowing.
It was usually windy -and on this day the wind was fierce. The waves were extremely large and loud like thunder -beating the cliff walls- and the churning of the tide turned the waters white and silver.
Me and my friends were playing and decided to walk out into one of the huge rock and look for star fish and sea anemones. We had to be careful though -because on this day the waves were so big they were splashing and crashing over the rocks. So we would run out and when we saw a big wave coming we would run back in until the wave receded.
We did this for awhile and the winds were whipping sand and salt water into our hair and eyes.
At a certain point, I was bent over looking at a starfish -and and it seems my friends had gone back to the shore -and I wasn’t paying attention -and suddenly a huge wave came and knocked me over the side of the cliff- the ocean was at least 30 feet below -and there were massive sharp rocks- and funnels of raging white water and it was a very deadly situation.
Going down, I caught the side of a rock and just hung there- I couldn’t pull myself up because it was slippery with algae -and my fingers started slipping -and I was going to fall -and seriously- surely 100% die.
I was in total shock and panic when all of a sudden a force came up from beneath me and swiftly lifted me back up onto the rocks like I was weightless. An invisible hand just pushed me right back up. I was so overwhelmed -and still shocked -and my mind was unable to deal with who exactly it was that lifted me back up from falling to my final destruction.
It was a miracle.
This divine power knew and came and saved me because I was stupid and careless -but apparently I didn’t deserve to die.
So I walked back to the shore and I never told anybody -but I’m telling you now -because God -or whoever- does see -and watches -and is there -no matter how stupid we become.
People and circumstances come into our lives -because maybe we’re falling-maybe we’re hanging from a dangerous cliff -and maybe we’re slipping -and we need to be lifted back up, that’s all.
There is no such thing as a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. My life flows into yours not by chance but by purpose.
The moments that led to now, didn’t make a mistake. Even the downward spirals have an upward capacity if we strive for understanding.
I can’t always stop you or me from punishing ourselves for imagined offenses- but I can offer you my hand in any way that will lift you up.
I will be your bridge over troubled waters.
I will be your anchor in the winds.
I will be your sail in the breeze.
I will be the force that moves you forward.
And I can’t say it’s all about me and what I can do. It’s what I aspire and intend. It’s the myth I choose to live. I will be a hero for you- because I love you -and that’s why I’m here -and that’s what I do.
I give love -after I strangle you and kill the pain that won’t stop growing-like a poisonous vine through out your sacred body.
A vine watered by this worlds undercurrents- and maybe you were just so pure and innocent that you got hit -and knocked down -and are still hanging- and about to fall -and I understand.
We all need the invisible hand of perfect love to remember us -especially when we’ve strayed out too far. And when we’re in danger-we are seen-and a helper is sent to you.
I will be your helper if you need me-and I will stop the angry voices in your head.
Because truly it doesn’t matter how loud you turn up the music to drown out the sound of unbearable silence -and what’s waiting in the silence is the noises you deny- the crying you won’t hear-the nobody you keep hating -because he’s nobody-
When I say it, I mean it.
Ok- so it turns out this is all about me -and I have a fan club -and receive letters of adoration-and I spend an hour almost daily writing to you -and my picture’s there- and I say I’m nobody -but all I do is talk about myself- yes I know- so technically I’m a liar just like everyone else –
but the only thing that makes me different and redeemable is that I really do care about you -more than my own self. It’s the vow I took.
Because I need somebody to love in this world-and you will be it. I need beauty all around me-because ugliness causes me pain -and you will be it. I need to stop the fear that stops you -and you will be it.
You will be it.
I need to make God -how I see God in you -and it’s you -and you will be it. I’m not someone that can accept a dirty house or plastic in the streets or tears running down your lonely, precious cheeks-
I’m not somebody that can live in this mundane and mechanical world without looking for something-someone -different and brighter and more alive- than this world’s gray version of surround sound- you will be it.
I’m always looking for that special new version of God- and you will be it.
So I’m kind of an artist on the canvas of life.
Everything and everyone I see I think-what can I do with what I’ve found?
How bright can you possibly shine in my myth?
How can I love you so that you shine like the God who wins the battle against the fiery dragon and saves the beautiful girl in this story?
Because I know you’re a hero.
We just all need a battle to win and a girl to save don’t we?
Hero. You are my hero.
So I’m nobody because I’m a servant- no matter how self preoccupied I need to become to pull you into my heart. I’m Juliet. I’m Rapunzel. I’m Medusa- whoever- I’ll do it. I’m not picky.
Because I’m a ruthless and determined player-and I’m a master of winning any game -and so my sole objective is your absolute adoration. I hope to seduce you into such a state of drunken enchantment that you fall into me breathless -so that I can catch you there -and hold you -and carry you -and make you a star in my heart, forever shining.
So because it’s all about this beauty I found in you-that I’m only just trying to exalt you -maybe I hurt you and maybe I’m mean. It’s just a chisel my darling, I’m an artist at work on the object of my devotion.
(no, not my “project”)
You are my object of devotion. My God. My Deity. My fragrant flower. My honey moon.
my tantric rainbow bridge.
how I worship you is with x-ray eyes.
You are my freedom and my shackles. You are that invisible hand that lifts me up from the cliff of my own demise -and so that I can find meaning in this story- I search for it in you.
and my mystical romance has divine roots..
because you were there for me so long ago when I needed you -and I never forgot –
and I remember you.
I’m looking so deeply into myself -and so I’m sorry if I scare you. I reach so far into the dark- and I’m so sorry if you can’t see how I love you.
It’s strange, I know. This peculiar blindness that
vivifies the northern lights.
I just love you and want you to live inside of me.
The beauty that captures even the blind spot of where God never looks.
I will catch God’s eye -and he will want only me-for sure -and I will be the ONLY one he calls nobody-
because I’m so deep inside of his heart he forgot that I am his life -and I am the one who made Him God.
But because our love is perfect, I forget him too-as I dwell inside of him- being the same old me.
Perfectly looping and static. Being the Godhead. Knowing how to wipe away the other in the lover. Love leaves no trace. Its perfection actually.
So that’s why we’re here and I’m creating this new world and you’re my God who makes it real.
Beloved Master of my Peace.
Holy Lover. SHIVA.
I love you like a lion loves a deer
and so devours it all,