crushed, the weight upon me, crushes. there are only so many words i can use. vocabulary fails me. even though i mean it, who can hear me. these words are on the inside, heavy heart. don’t talk so loud. i’ve written poems to the dead and dying, my father who didn’t ever write back. i’ve gazed into eyes I’d hoped would see me somehow but it’s useless. i’ve stopped saying so much. i’m not really looking back. i’m numb, scarred. and it’s not that i’m trying, i didn’t control a thing. there isn’t another way to heal the fragment i suppose but grow hard like a man. pretend you’re a woman flower, hold your head high sparkling and fragrant. hide the pain body, show the beauty. grind. dance like a swan on his body. who cares no one’s listening. it’s just one word eating another. yes, it’s love anyway. i get that that’s all we’ve got…this fatal beauty.
today was a blood bath. i felt like a serial killer. i just went insane. kept cutting, let it fall. let it fall. i didn’t say goodbye, not a thing. i felt that a possession had taken place, and it wasn’t me. it’s times like this i call out to god. god help us. keep the devil away. but no, i had to want it all and i just started chopping. i need something sharper, get the mirror. look inside. nothing matters but looks. i’ve killed you, i keep doing this. what have i done. i forgot to say goodbye. stillness prevailed. stillness and blood. fallen. he left without saying a word. there was a song on the radio later on in the car. but you never turn the radio on, this is a message i said to the replacement. you should listen. it means something to you. “i think it means something to you.” half way through the song and i said, “i know. and you should listen.” i keep one eye open. i have no idea who this is. i did it, yes. i am cursed. i said, “go! you don’t understand, i do it to everybody.” “you’re insane. you need help.”
“i feel like i’m having an affair.” why do i keep killing everyone. i don’t want new and exciting. i want the ones who’ve died. and now you’re gone, it’s too late. i was ruthless and i don’t know why. i am not familiar with the new inhabitant, this is a very dangerous day. into night i see that the moon is too bright to be real. i am uncomfortable, i let the dark in, if there are any stars left or not, it isn’t important. the empty vessel will be filled by whatever’s in the sky. i of course pretend to look up, searching the heavens for what looks like objects. can anyone confirm my prayers are heard out here, i didn’t think so. this is the blind love that kills, she doesn’t need any reason but your hand on her body, your eyes in her stomach reaching down. and where are you going, don’t think i don’t feel it, just because you’re someone else. the story remains the same. i will be taken by what i take. i call it a fatal beauty that’s a bit compulsive, a sharp needle without a point that lost all control. it seems this keeps happening to me, it’s not your fault. stay away from dark women. this is an issue that will not resolve itself. not without several forms of divine violence. i call it divine because it’s like a transmission that must come from another world, certainly not here. not like this, not the way possession happens elsewhere. no way, i’m not blind. i am simply in love. “i love you here, in this world.” when i heard that i was like, “wtf?” what world are we talking? the starless inside world or the world where i just murdered you? god, this is deep, looking up for somebody i don’t know. this curse has followed me in all directions. down, down like the thump of the cross with him hanging. he wasn’t dead after all, just keep reading…the expectations between us seem to be a problem. solid, did you solid as opposed to ephemeral…you’re so funny when your dying for a higher power…the power to destroy. the power that hunts or that redeems is probably quite similar. i want out of my haunted house. i’ve written back to everyone, they all know what’s going on…and yet the poor youtube people have no idea what’s going on. a wedding is about to take place. and i can’t stop the onslaught of god’s plan. a cherished god i suddenly believe in when nothing else matters and holy matrimony is the only thing that makes sense between death and dying. i’ll give you a new name. can i have one too. do you want to look in the mirror…
if you’re going to play the game, you should be on top. number one- looks are number one. look it, be it. see it, want it. walk on top. and i did what needed to be done to you. crowned eternal. off with your head of locks. bestow the vision on me. take off your ring. pull out your tongue. break me with your eyes. i am guilty of sin. wearing sunlight to bed. talking dirty to children, feeding the homeless my home. it’s called possession. i did it. wearing nothing but a cross and a desire for god without anything but an empty eternal erection. i was told i was in a dream carrying jesus on a cross. i was wearing a bloody white dress dragging the cross down these stairs. thump thump thump. that’s what i was told. then i dropped him and he came back to life with a gigantic erection and apparently i began fucking jesus like i was at some crazy party – both of us alive dancing on opposing corpses…according to the dream- which wasn’t mine. god is in my head ok. and i am in god’s head too. that’s how we get inside. the throne of night. the cold becomes the one we love. help me jesus, this is fatal. sharada devi