Two of my dogs are biters. I think I’ve done something wrong. Oh, they don’t bite me, on the contrary, I am their object of adoration (why do you think I have them) they bite everyone else.
I don’t know what to do about it either. I am constantly threatening them with all sorts of horrible repercussions (and I get pretty creative too) but last night our friend walked in the room (and to make it worse, this is his house!) and my little wolverine came up silently behind him before anyone could notice and bit him on the lower calf- he screamed “ouch” swatting at his leg – like a mosquito just bit him- of course no mark was left but he felt the sting- and let’s face it, that’s the idea isn’t it!
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not proud of this aggression and I have no idea where they get off pinching people’s calves with their rounded little teeth- when another person even looks at me they go insane– they’re quite harmless- but they certainly don’t think so- and that’s all that really matters right?
Well, not really because one day they may meet their match and get their sweet little head torn off by an irritated pit bull- but that’s the chance their taking isn’t it? I’m sure their discretion and opinion of their prowess and fighting skills are totally out of proportion to their actual abilities (again no idea where this comes from) and I’m pretty sure their willing to take their chances- my sweetest baby of all has this blood curdling scream he likes to make as he prepares to attack- sounds just like a little girl banshee- he’s pretty sure it’s his victory song- and somehow the other dog believes him….he’s got a level of courage that is for the most part suicidal- and I just find that raw grit so fascinating, intriguing- charming even…
What can I do? Should I set a better example? Do I need to change? Maybe so…I’m feeling really pathetic and irresponsible as I confess this to you…what have I done to my little dogs to create such warmongering monsters? Was it something I said?
I told them they need to see Helga. She’s this gigantic German woman I know and any dog that lays eyes on her – puts his tail between his legs and packs up his shriveled goods forever. She’s a dog trainer- and even I’m a bit afraid of Helga. I’ve tried to spare them the pain of dog training monotony and inevitable castration- which is also kind of the vow I made to all of you. I spare you Helga. And No she’s not my alter ego! What do you guys think? That I make stuff up- that I’m insane? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I’ll never tell⚡️
Keep them guessing is my leg biting motto…..
The hardest part to accept though is the philosophy that dogs take on the characteristics of their owners…I always say to Bhagavan Das
“Did we do something wrong…they used to be so cute and cuddly and normal? ” (as I browse through puppy pictures of the good old days..) and he’s like, “I don’t know what happened, but they’ve got to go…”
then I say, “I know, I can’t stand them. I’ll put an add on craigslist right now” and he’s like, “why? I’ll just drop them off at the pound” – then about 20 minutes later I here him calling Padme, “where’s my baby girl…?” So I know he’s full of shit- but I’m NOT and they know it. For me it’s this intense love/hate that keeps the spark alive-Why do you think they’re always watching and conspiring against me? They work Bhagavan Das HARD- and I say to him- “don’t be their bitch! Dude, they’re working you – they don’t care about you – they just want your food and a long massage…” and he knows it too but he can get a little desperate for their attention and he’s sentimental too – which I don’t and I’m not- because I see right through their wicked, conniving chihuahua ways…
and don’t get me wrong I feel sorry for the little trolls because I know it’s not totally 100% their fault- it’s those demon chihuahua ancestors that I’m pretty sure have possessed them- that keeps padme compulsively sitting pretty (like 100’s of times a day- and we didn’t even teach her- it just started happening- spooky right? I mean it was cute at first but now it’s just like day of the dead…) or Mani conspiring to escape and then hunting us in the yard like he has no idea who we are- his eyes even turn red-seriously, I’ll send a picture if you don’t believe me ….so, we are considering/researching some kind of group dog exorcism – but aren’t sure how dangerous that could be…they’re like these invincible cockroaches -you just CANNOT destroy them- just believe me ok?
So anyway- I don’t know if the owner/dog character match up is true of just some myth- I mean, our one dog has this mentality of :
“It’s all good guys. Let’s just kick back for awhile- why do it today when we can do it tomorrow. Peace guys. “- and he lays on his back with his legs spread wide- daydreaming all day with his pink bunny in his mouth- and he’s a REALLY good singer too…
and our other one who I’ve secretly called Diablo from the moment our eyes met- sure he was only 7 weeks old- but he had MOJO and an attitude to match- he looked at me with that angelic little face and said, “WTF do you want lady?” and it was love at first sight. He’s crazy and wreckless and seems to have a death wish but he never dies- he jumps from high places and is like this sniper always prowling quietly waiting to destroy- and you’ll never see him coming- but I SEE HIM coming and so he works me and I let him- he wags his tail, licks me and kisses me and says, ” it was just a joke. I didn’t mean it. I love you.” He’ll attempt to murder Mani’s pink bunny- viciously injuring her- and look at me with tears in his little soft eyes and say, “What happened mommy?” and I just kiss his evil little face and whisper in his quivering ear,
“I’m going to destroy you my little honey bear”
…it goes on…it’s a daily battle really…
why have I done this to gods innocent creatures? Its a constant war deep inside my soul- often I think about the moment of my death when they say that your entire life flashes before your eyes and I instantly see a little toy puppy face and I hear myself whispering in their innocent little ear,
“mommy’s going to snap your little neck like a chicken if you bark one more f’ing time ok sweetheart?”
and then I give him that special dark mother kiss on his soft little forehead….it seems it’s my little secret right?
and then I think to myself- No, this can’t be good….
…and pink bunny really did die for good this morning- theirs nothing left of her but pink fur and guts and gore all over the hardwood floors- my little DIABLO ripped out her squeaker and ate it- and then he came over and kissed my heart wide open…little angel baby…
and I just smiled while I watched him…after all he is mommy’s little mojo ⚡️❤️⚡️