god only knows

I might write something nice to you so that because of me the sun comes out and shines on you and makes you warm. I might write the things that make you love me. I would only have unwritten words to describe the sun I just made for you because I have only a silent way to reveal myself, a silence that turns to wrath when I can’t become what you need. I would lay down my head and cry at your feet for forgiveness if only I could stop myself from existing, everywhere, I hear only the hum of me and my dissatisfaction with the guise I’ve succumbed to. I might do something big for you, like crawl back out of the hole I’ve dug, gasping for breath, eyes blackened by soot, to be burned by the sight of you, just so I could be with you shining in your killer flames. But this oracle light who sees in the dark, may be too much of me, for me to bare living. Death looks everywhere for a love yet unmet… so I stood at the crossroads looking for you and you expected someone else…or maybe I expected someone else. The oracle whispered her name in my sleep at this juncture, then someone else came instead, and I laid there in pain, at the meeting of strangely familiar eyes, waiting for her words or her touch to notice me again, but instead you looked the other way as if he was all you had. I could forgive you possibly for choosing a better version of god. I could make you see him in a dimmer light so that I was all you had to fall back on. You won’t catch me will you? This airspun woman who has the voices that know, who slithers upon me like an ancient vice, has me clawing myself into pieces, disengaged from the whole of the leviathan she has become smothering me by doing nothing at all. I myself,Β have the means to awaken, I myself see the captive in her water mirror, I myself can’t stop picking at my sores, chewing at the rabies in my mind, attacking the animal I eat and who I have become. The animal with red eyes who hates dogs and girls, the animal who hides until the sun goes down and who grimaces at the sound of you. I might be the one you want however, have you ever tried to find my carnal pleasure in your lofty pains unmet?…maybe I know how to stop your search right here and now, without the ripping away of something left over as a fantasty called love…maybe I’m the one with the lasting grip that can hold on and not be lost…and then I see your face and remember all the whispers of that tiny moon whose so afraid, and I want to sing but I only stutter…you do know I come with both pieces dangling, you do hear me when I think of you. Why won’t you look at me?Β The summer has become the winter but I don’t remember dying, and I’m in a tube and all you do is make things worse. I was expecting you to make me happy. Goddess of death, I think of only you. In a vision I saw myself wrapped in your body, sublime and perfectly known. A vision of me, in charge of you, I dominate the night with anger…then it faded and I felt you slip right through me, back into your world where my face is ugly and there are no fragrant flowers, only burning flesh that never becomes ash, only imaginary friends with thoughts just like mine, only a box with no lid. I can see the sky, but I just can’t find a way to touch it. The tiny moon barely sees and the stars don’t like me and they never did… I bet you think I’m talking to you, but I never meant for you to read my mind. And I don’t like my red eyes, I want eyes like yours.

If I could have brought you the sunshine I would have…

god only knows,
Sharada Devi

8 thoughts on “god only knows”

  1. the visions I’ve had are for me but they dissolve and the moments meaning are lost every dream came true in you and the fear can’t last the dakini’s are all in the moment and miracles love them even as we push away the bright looking for a way to be alone but not separate is the highway the only
    Place we can unite just to say hello means more than a life time of merit

    1. that’s profound my omniscient friend.
      Divine eyes always see the everything
      merge and break away again…
      but you never leave even then,
      and so never lose a moment
      getting lost in her wild hair….

  2. thunderclap
    knows well
    lightening bolt
    celestial jolt
    shimmering cloud
    rain fall
    earth quench
    wind blow
    seed sow
    root grow
    as above
    so below
    rising up
    falling down
    prayer wheel
    spin around
    hold on
    let go
    truth pray
    to show
    ecstatic glow
    angels sing
    broken wing
    on mend
    blessings send
    what brings
    never know
    faith + devotion
    will show
    ah / so
    be it

    1. the inspiration
      of a simple Buddha
      said, “shine wherever
      you are”
      and so like a good flame
      I returned to the candle…
      wiser than the rest
      who stray beyond
      god’s glow
      as if they could see
      or know or be something
      other than the Buddha.
      hahaha βš‘οΈβ˜€οΈβš‘οΈ

      you know I’m only kidding
      striking matches everywhere…
      and god’s as real as me.

      1. somersaults again
        or maybe
        full -on cartwheels
        you spin me right round
        πŸŒ€πŸ’ πŸŒ€πŸ’ πŸŒ€πŸ’ πŸŒ€
        i know nothing
        aspiring to empty
        this head that
        lingers and confuses
        be the good flame
        oh yes!
        shine on
        and on
        and on
        and on
        it is always
        kinda sad
        when a candle
        gets blown out
        burning it all down
        so much
        another day
        to say
        thinking again….
        that will never do….

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