Excerpt from BE HERE THEN: My Twelve Year Marriage to the Infamous American Sadhu from “Be Here Now.”

“A long five months slipped by, and I became better and better at being the Dragon Lady. I became the boundary and “protected the light” by weeding out the starry-eyed groupies. I made sure he ate healthy food and had everything he needed. Nobody did this for me. 

Everyone who used to get in couldn’t. Those people blamed me and hated me; they said cruel things about me. I cried for months while Bhagavan Das sat reading and drinking black tea. He let them do what they wanted and think what they wanted. 

I understand it’s not his way to set things straight, but maybe if he had, the demonization of me might not have been so bad. But I’m not sure.

Nobody respected Bhagavan Das. They kissed his ass and used him as needed. Unfortunately, he did the same thing to them. It wasn’t the world I believed it to be. My love for God might not have been real. The way I thought of Kali may have been wrong.

My ideals collapsed over those five months, and what was once a blessing became a curse. Kali was not who I thought she was, and I didn’t like her at all. I lost faith in the spiritual people I once imagined being “out there” somewhere… that I would be good enough to be near one day.

I lost faith in gurus and myself because I had been wrong, yet I couldn’t grieve. I had to keep everyone out of our space—enforce boundaries—make sure Bhagavan Das was okay.”

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Love, Sharada Devi

9 thoughts on “Excerpt from BE HERE THEN: My Twelve Year Marriage to the Infamous American Sadhu from “Be Here Now.””

  1. You are so precious, like a brand new butterfly, that’s meant to cross unimaginable distances. Unimaginable, at first maybe, but you cut through the waves of decay so remarkably, that I smile to think anything will stand in your way.

    My love for you makes me tremble like a leaf, cutting through the strong wind of my heart, somehow revealing your face like a Phoenix.

      1. Well, Sharada Devi, I’m just a mirror. I’m kidding but I like to imagine falling through a halo, to a dark world, and I feel it in my heart, which is a strange thing because I can’t see it. Or so I thought. When I try to see my heart, I get still. As if I can be in it that way. The beating like time, felt deeper, like scarily deeper. Suffocatingly. Quietly. Creepy like a killer looking in. To be loved, on the outside, which makes me smile. The whole world seems like a car crash traffic jam, right now. And I know it will change. But I can’t wait so I slow down. And beckon down the hall, that the footsteps won’t be imaginary. That something will take me to God or to a heavenly place. Which constrains me to consider. Which might actually help me appreciate here. I have nowhere to go. Nothing, you feel me

          1. Seeing signs. Truth, all around… It won’t be long!
            Til I’m laying in my last bed, ready. Smiling. I’m practicing it now so when the angel of death comes down, I will be happy.

  2. When I was first doing om mani padme hum I was worried I wouldn’t see the fruits of my practice because I haven’t been initiated. I was inspired off of Bhagavan Das’s book, talking about Kalu Rinpoche. On 11/04/2022, during the time I first started doing that mantra I had an OBE where, well, the gist was that there was an old Tibetan guy driving a semi truck talking to me and I was in the passenger seat. I’m 99% sure there were semi trucks ahead of us. I believe on November 30th I made the connection of that guy possibly being Kalu Rinpoche. Anyway, you posted a video on July 21st, 2023 “the importance of your astral body,” about the power of the lineage being like a semi truck leading the way. I didn’t realize the connection at the time but recently as I was meditating I suddenly made the connection. You didn’t use that metaphor in any other videos either – at least it wasn’t detected on the bot that I used to scan all the closed captions of every one of your videos to find that video about the semi truck, anyway… ???? Hahahaha! I’ve had lots of miraculous things happen where you were involved, Sharada! Om mani padme hum❤️

  3. I am still and silent in a shipwreck. The thing I thought would carry me has sunk me. The planks have broken, the sail is gone, perhaps there never was a rudder. Though I am still, there are footprints all around me, memories, premonitions. Old me and new me, faint images flitting around the wreck. But I am in the center, my eyes are closed, my breathe is even. This is me, and everything else is simply shadows, as long as I can hold it.

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