I have like 10 snakes around my neck. I have 1,000 arms. I have weapons and I have love.
I never let you down even though you never got up. You were the one I was draining into me.
The sun never set the day I came to find you
and we sat face to face with a thick wall of glass between us. I knew you couldn’t hear me but I sat there talking anyway, because of my vow, because of my tears. Talking to you about getting out. You sat in your plastic chair playing with a pen, sometimes looking at the clock on the wall- (I guess dinner was at 6 or something) You sat in the eighth seat from the left and because of this, I knew you wouldn’t understand the problem…the reason for my weapons and tears…the reason I’ve been crying for over a million years.
Someone asked a 92 year old great Rimpoche,
“I am lost and suffering in samsara how can I find a guru?”
“You go to this person and you prostrate yourself before them. Then you say,
You are my only hope in this life and all future lives. I beg you to accept me as your disciple.
Then you do everything this person says.”
Rimpoche sat there glowing and smiling. He knows nobody ever listens. His tears are the nectar of his heart.
I’ve been bloody from prostrating. I’ve been dead from exhaustion. I almost froze to death in the icy caves and I’ve been burned to ashes from the fire of my devotion. My love for my Guru is so all consuming and intense it has almost killed me over and over again. I would go anywhere and do anything to be near Him. I’ve begged for forgiveness and I’ve given my life to my Guru.
Every time I die, His eyes become the sky. Over and over again I come back and I remember and I never stop searching for Him. Over and Over again I walk through the valley of the shadow of death because I promised Him that I would find you and take you to where He is. This is my only reason for breathing or writing or being cruel.
This is my only reason for touching you and holding out my hand. This is my only reason for coming back to Earth so many times.
His will is my life and my life is His Hand.
Nobody understands this tunnel at all. You will come out the other side. What awaits you there
depends on your journey from one side to the other. It’s not- no big deal- She’s huge. She’s a hungry leviathan. You can’t ride Her. You can’t tame Her. Only the strongest end up in the right place on the other side. The wrong place is filled with plastic chairs and thick glass walls. It’s filled with self mutilation, compulsion, addiction and monotony. It’s filled with the illusion of suffering coming from somewhere else besides you….
That parallel dimension isn’t somewhere else. It’s here and it’s why I’m writing.
Heart to heart collision. the aching heart with nowhere left to go. Beating like a machine without Him. Thumping like a
fearful bird against a caged wall
when She isn’t there….
I’m so lonesome, I could cry.
Because I love you I will die.
You came to me wounded and hungry with ghosts in your eyes.
What am I supposed to do if you won’t listen?
Do you know where you are while passing the time as if this is just another boring day?
Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for?
No one else is coming for you.
This is it.
The most important gifts can only be given in person. It’s a physical thing. Tantra is a secret that has no explanation, only transmission.
It’s the wordless holy claus that no one dares to think or speak about and they’re memorizing everything left and right and speculating and philosophizing and theorizing but they’ll never find Her like that.
She’s a buzz in your ear. She’s the venom of the snake. She’s the singe of the flame. She’s the sting of the wasp. You need to be there in person. Period. No astral dating. No comradeship. No equal terms. Not fair at all.
She’s only stirring and She wants your heart and soul entirely.
I’ve realized I need to be more literal. Everyone seems confused by my message. It’s been that I was struck by lightening when I was 20 and I’ve never been the same. My clothes burned my skin split open and all my muscles ached for weeks. She struck me down hard. She electrocuted me and it wasn’t very nice.
You just don’t understand Her at all.
…and every time I die, His eyes become the sky.
Because of Her search for me.