every time I die

I have like 10 snakes around my neck. I have 1,000 arms. I have weapons and I have love.
I never let you down even though you never got up. You were the one I was draining into me.
The sun never set the day I came to find you
and we sat face to face with a thick wall of glass between us. I knew you couldn’t hear me but I sat there talking anyway, because of my vow, because of my tears. Talking to you about getting out. You sat in your plastic chair playing with a pen, sometimes looking at the clock on the wall- (I guess dinner was at 6 or something) You sat in the eighth seat from the left and because of this, I knew you wouldn’t understand the problem…the reason for my weapons and tears…the reason I’ve been crying for over a million years.

Someone asked a 92 year old great Rimpoche,

“I am lost and suffering in samsara how can I find a guru?”

He replied,

“You go to this person and you prostrate yourself before them. Then you say,

You are my only hope in this life and all future lives. I beg you to accept me as your disciple.

Then you do everything this person says.”

Rimpoche sat there glowing and smiling. He knows nobody ever listens. His tears are the nectar of his heart.


I’ve been bloody from prostrating. I’ve been dead from exhaustion. I almost froze to death in the icy caves and I’ve been burned to ashes from the fire of my devotion. My love for my Guru is so all consuming and intense it has almost killed me over and over again. I would go anywhere and do anything to be near Him. I’ve begged for forgiveness and I’ve given my life to my Guru.
Every time I die, His eyes become the sky. Over and over again I come back and I remember and I never stop searching for Him. Over and Over again I walk through the valley of the shadow of death because I promised Him that I would find you and take you to where He is. This is my only reason for breathing or writing or being cruel.
This is my only reason for touching you and holding out my hand. This is my only reason for coming back to Earth so many times.

His will is my life and my life is His Hand.

Nobody understands this tunnel at all. You will come out the other side. What awaits you there
depends on your journey from one side to the other. It’s not- no big deal- She’s huge. She’s a hungry leviathan. You can’t ride Her. You can’t tame Her. Only the strongest end up in the right place on the other side. The wrong place is filled with plastic chairs and thick glass walls. It’s filled with self mutilation, compulsion, addiction and monotony. It’s filled with the illusion of suffering coming from somewhere else besides you….
That parallel dimension isn’t somewhere else. It’s here and it’s why I’m writing.

Heart to heart collision. the aching heart with nowhere left to go. Beating like a machine without Him. Thumping like a
fearful bird against a caged wall
when She isn’t there….

I’m so lonesome, I could cry.
Because I love you I will die.

You came to me wounded and hungry with ghosts in your eyes.
What am I supposed to do if you won’t listen?

Do you know where you are while passing the time as if this is just another boring day?

Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for?
No one else is coming for you.

This is it.

The most important gifts can only be given in person. It’s a physical thing. Tantra is a secret that has no explanation, only transmission.
It’s the wordless holy claus that no one dares to think or speak about and they’re memorizing everything left and right and speculating and philosophizing and theorizing but they’ll never find Her like that.
She’s a buzz in your ear. She’s the venom of the snake. She’s the singe of the flame. She’s the sting of the wasp. You need to be there in person. Period. No astral dating. No comradeship. No equal terms. Not fair at all.

She’s only stirring and She wants your heart and soul entirely.

I’ve realized I need to be more literal. Everyone seems confused by my message. It’s been that I was struck by lightening when I was 20 and I’ve never been the same. My clothes burned my skin split open and all my muscles ached for weeks. She struck me down hard. She electrocuted me and it wasn’t very nice.

You just don’t understand Her at all.

…and every time I die, His eyes become the sky.
Because of Her search for me.

Sharada Devi

12 thoughts on “every time I die”

  1. maybe more literal is needed.
    at least for this one.
    i don’t want to get stuck in a loop of
    trying to make some sense of necessity
    by continually attempting to placate my confusion with elaborate jargon
    when all i really want is to live the truth.
    maybe the vagueness is too obscure for my total comprehension.
    i do know that boredom is not such a pressing issue for me.
    my mind is always dwelling on the divine in some small way
    i do know that everyday i feel this dull aching knot
    clenched in my solar plexus.
    i keep thinking that it is a temporary reaction to some outside stimuli
    not of my making
    and when that otherness subsides
    then i will be all right again.
    but it never really goes away.
    there is always an edginess that clings and keeps me cautious.
    like the sins and sorrows of the past never really diminishing and fading.
    or thinking that eventually those feeling won’t ever return.
    But then out of the blue there is some catalyst that arrives unannounced and stirs it all up again.
    like special delivery.
    like a pot on the stove that needs constant attention.
    does it ever really go away.
    So i God is always with me
    why this ongoing panic of unknown origin?
    this fight or flight throbbing right there
    right in my belly below the heart cave.
    None of it ever seems to be throughly cleansed.
    dust never sleeps
    i got a phone call today.
    just hop on a plane and come join the merry festival.
    what is the point?
    it’s all just a joke
    you can’t run away and join the circus to fend off the doldrums
    and where does all this never-ending source of fun money come from.
    everybody thinks that i am crazy because i never want to make plans to go amuse myself.
    how can i ever really get away.
    no matter where i go
    it’s still there with me
    it’s always just me and God

      1. How do we REALLY go about “unlearning the learned behavior from childhood… the repeating patterns…?”
        The answer SEEMS clear to me every morning. Today i will be kinder. i will be more compassionate. i will be more welcoming, forgiving and generous… and then the day progresses and all the proverbial shit is set in front of the fan and i can’t seem to fend it off…
        It’s not so much not understanding the irresponsible tendencies that were foisted upon the unsuspecting child that i once was.
        It’s more like, how do i shield off the SAME blames and confrontations that are coming from the NOW source of “loved one” who has currently taken on the role after the original perpetrators are long since deceased.
        i want to be a ghost buster.
        But it’s so hard when they are fully fleshed and standing 6’3″ in front of you
        One minute telling you how much they love you. And calling you “Dear”
        Then as the day progresses, you become a jerk. And later a bitch. And eventually the world’s biggest ass-hole.
        Ah love.
        Such a daily lesson.
        Set me on fire.
        Let me be Joan of Arc.
        Am i being too hard on myself?
        Should i lighten up?
        i drank coffee yesterday ( which i do not usually do )
        at first it was “uplifting”
        everything was so funny and i laughter so hard, i was driven to tears.
        It scared my Granddaughter.
        All day, when ever i laughed, she would say ” Grandma, don’t laugh so much”.
        Am i thinking too much again?
        Where is the happy medium?
        i would love equilibrium.
        i would love to set my self free.
        i don’t want to be inside the cage rattling to get out.
        and calling out for the key master to set me free.
        When i know that the key master is really me.

            AWESOME AND IN TUNE- now it just needs
            interpretation- and he sees what’s beneath
            the surface- driving his reality.

            From Shane:
            can we learn to suck…always coming up empty handed… if blood runs its all for Charlie…messiah…soul controller… coming to…dirt on my tongue… the witch face screaming I’m not crazy… don’t you fucking call me crazy… ill get you my pretty… stoic face of fear…soft lion phallus and white slender body…murder and remorse too late on the tube… life’s tired never ending story… the best years… all of my fears…consumption dulls the eyes… yes one more bag of cereal please… RING IT UP HURRY UP…one more night then we can purge… become beautiful again… was she real…and did demons speak of love… the lights burdening lull… weariness is growth… its eating us both… the days best… thrown in like all the rest…

          2. the other day we were out tending the garden with my Granddaughter. She wanted an umbrella put up to block the sun on her face. i said “i thought you loved the sun?” She replied “I like the sun, but I like the moon better”.
            She is fascinated by the moon. especially when she can see it clearly in the sky during the day.
            Intrigued by the different phases into which it transforms.
            She loves all things in nature.
            She loves to laugh and sing and bring me back to the better part of myself.
            She just may be my little Guru of the moment.
            She awoke from a nap just as i was about to watch the latest video AT THE FOOT OF THE FLAME.
            i asked if she would like to join me.
            As You and Baba began to sing, she positioned herself in half lotus and stared deeply and intently into my eyes.
            She loves Krishna. But she told me that her Mother has made it clear that Jesus and Krishna are not alike.
            i think that churning in my solar plexus might be the pure child in me struggling to break out of it’s confinement.
            Need to remind myself to remember where i am really going.
            Get back to being that younger version of the one who used to stand under the moon and fearlessly howl like a coyote.

          3. Dear Maria,
            I like the moon better too. I prefer moon bathing over sunbathing. Just sit outside
            in the silent moonlit night and talk to the
            starlit sky while the silvery beams cool your heart. I love to talk to the Moon.
            She’s a good listener.

    1. It’s the ghosts that bring fear and anxiety
      that is undefineable. It’s past memories stored there-little warning signs now
      through the familiar knot- gets tight-
      “red alert. protect ourself. don’t let it
      happen again.” It’s every reason why we do what we do. It’s not for the reasons we tell ourselves – why we drink. Why we let our husband verbally negate us. why we compulsively diet. why we can’t say no. It’s different for everyone but comes from the same place. Pandora’s box in your abdomen.
      we can’t control Her anymore. the box is opening…best to breath deeply and let it all go. The undefinable low grade fear that
      something is about to happen and we all know it.

  2. Rimpoche didn’t answer the question.. He answered the question what should I ask my guru? I still want to know how to find my guru. Is maharaji my guru? Jesus? Buddha? All of them? Yes.. But I need a teacher here and now on earth.. First I look within for the answer I ask the mother light for the answer – everyone’s guru wether they like it or not.
    Love and sincerity always.

    Send me home
    Send me back
    Back into the light
    Back into the night
    Leave me in the fire
    Leave me to ascend
    Ode to the dance of suffering
    Ode to the dance of transformation
    Highway armadillo laced with love
    Thank you Ma
    Thank you Ma
    Thank you Ma

    karpūragauraṁ karuṇāvatāraṁ
    saṁsārasāram bhujagendrahāram
    sadāvasantaṁ hṛdayāravinde
    bhavaṁ bhavānīsahitaṁ namāmi

    Old man needs a new liver he wants to give up n out – I tell him the truth it gives him strength.

    1. Beautiful dear friend.
      Your Guru will find you and pull you like a
      magnet. It’s up to you to ask after that.
      Everything has its time and it seems to me that you’re on the right track and moving toward the mother light…true love is always everywhere. You’re right everyone’s a guru -we decide how to see what we see…

  3. caught between how i really feel right now and what i think other people want…how i feel is mushy and loving…i don’t know how much longer i have to continue to pretend I don’t care…

    she’s truly a sweetheart…a good hearted person…
    full of sincere enthusiasm…wanting people to be free…wanting them to be happy…
    i’m sorry i was ugly…

    i can see something in your picture on the cover…your innocent eyes looking upward…they look innocent to me anyway…i wanna break your chains and set you free…release you from anything that holds you back on your journey…i wish i could give you your dad back for a little while…

    i’m always here…i’m always here…i’m always here
    a steward of the dying breed…you

    1. It takes great courage to open your heart.
      You remind me of Hanuman.
      Because of his devotion he could do anything
      because selfless love moves mountains.
      selfless love makes your heart shine.

      The Sun is rising over the Mountain.
      Just say Ram.

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