I’ve got a secret to tell you.
I know I talk real big about “the secret and revealing all and everything.” Like its some profound and isolated occurrence- I say very authoritatively,
“don’t hide, spill yourself into me”…
but the truth is, I have so many secrets -they’re coming in on a daily basis, moment by moment, and I just can’t stop it- or, maybe I can’t get enough- it’s hard to tell at this point actually-
It’s not like I do it “on purpose” either -and I don’t know if this happens to you -and I almost feel wrong- like I’ve seen you naked -and you didn’t know I was there-like I’m watching through your bedroom window while you get undressed.
And I don’t TRY to see under your skin -or behind your eyes -but there’s so much you wanted to tell me…and I meet you in that place- at that time- and I say, “your secrets safe with me” but I don’t say that on purpose -and I don’t say that out loud- and you just start taking off your clothes -and I know you inside out.
Every birthmark and every scar.
Does that happen to you I wonder? And it’s hard to talk- like its all no big deal -when you already told me everything- and I laugh and ask you about yourself- I think I’m the best actor in the world honestly.
And I tell Bhagavan Das “I don’t want to go. I can’t take it today” and I’m serious, I literally can’t take what some people want to give me-
Infected secrets, poison secrets, sick secrets-
and sometimes their secrets make me sick for a day- and why do you think I’ve got ice picks coming out of my eyes?
“get back, I don’t want to know you.”
But you tell me anyway, as fast as you can -and sorry if my response isn’t something you understand- because it’s not about me -and I’m so tired of being the Keeper Of Secrets. Trust me, I’ve got enough of my own. And I drudge the depths of my psyche down into the pit of my aching heart to find what She said -and to tell you everything. I really do.
Also, just so you know, I don’t lie.
It’s what we’ve got to do -you know -and it’s such a trinket really- after the fact -and I know I’m not going deep enough into Her Vault.
I stay alone mostly because I don’t want to get the cards shuffled in a way too confusing or perplexing to either of us- I stay alone because I’m sorting through the lies and the truth.
What can I give back to you with the secrets I’ve received?
And those of us who been chosen to be the carriers of the secrets- we start very young in training- you understand the look in your mothers distant glance, you know what she was thinking- subliminally of course- and in the unseen world around you, the secrets start pouring in from them to you…
That hug felt really weird from dad didn’t it?
But I was so young…I thought it was me. That’s a problem, you know- and we’ve got to get the occupation straight- because we got hired and nobody ever told us what happened. And it all started spinning around me. I became the eye of the storm. The volcano’s hole.
I’m always erupting a little bit if you haven’t noticed-
basically, it’s for my safety and yours.
You wouldn’t want me to blow up all at once.
Sure, I’m scary without trying and Bhagavan Das says, “it’s a good thing you’re with me, because nobody else could handle you” and he doesn’t mean I’m a bitch (not all the time anyway, and yes I respect myself- I chose that word for effect) he says I’m so acutely intense every moment of every day- and in everything I do-
that I scare people maybe…
And I’m sorry, I’m just trying to keep this all sorted out- (and of course I’m appealing to the strangest of you all)
So can you see I’m just always rearranging and shuffling the files- my own secret files- what stays and what goes- because believe me, I’m not censoring – I just go off- I’m filled with so much information I can’t get it out all at once.
No, I’m not proud of it. It just happens.
I watch people and see how tranquil they are sometimes -how their just skimming the surface -and it’s all just how it looks- and I say, “why do I have to be me? can’t I just leave for a little while and get a day off or something?”
But NO, you can’t…
Why not? What’s this all about? And I’ve been with him a long time and I keep so many secrets- and because of what I know, I protect Him from the leeches and parasites. Compassion has nothing to do with letting smiling faces drink another persons blood and siphon off of another persons soul.
“Isn’t it enough the his voice sets you free?”
“No it’s not enough actually, and stop
blocking the gate.”
I’m not only a keeper of secrets I’m the gate keeper. I’ve stood at the threshold for 10 years and I’m the bouncer at this spiritual gathering ok? And I watch the audience for guns -and I stay alert- he keeps his eyes closed- and just sings-but I don’t- and I’m watching -and I thought that I would probably just knock him off of his chair- and let them shoot me without even thinking- you might call this paranoia- but I know a lot ok- and people ARE NOT who they pretend to be.
I’ve got a lot going on upstairs…it’s rough.
And aren’t you always holding a mirror up anyway? “Don’t look at me, look at you.”
That’s never going to happen Ok.
So we’ve now established what’s really going on
and why I’m like this- you can’t believe everything I say though -just yet-because I have yet to reveal some more-
She’s coming, don’t worry…
“Special delivery from me to you”
It’s so hard to describe the dilemma we’re in.
I’m a sheep that’s blacker than black. I’m a goat on the mountain top watching it all. I’m the way you strike your match. The fires are already going, I’m just getting blamed for them- get it?
Who named the Goddess Pyromania?
” I just keep playing in your flames-I didn’t start a thing”….it’s really not fair…
God knows I’m trying to get to the bottom- but God also knows there isn’t a bottom… my friend,
and I really mean this, your secrets are safe with me -because I already hold them. You didn’t even know- and you thought this was all your idea…
ITS LIKE I MYSELF AM A SECRET- and I don’t mean that like, “oh there’s this really great place that hardly anyone knows about” (like me)
No, that’s not what I mean.
I mean. I’m spooky. I scare people. Just like any good secret- when I walk in the room -sometimes people gasp- sometime people shudder.
They get startled because secrets aren’t supposed to be exposed.
but I AM One.
It’s so eery. What can we do? I’m just a whisper in the twilight away from the realm of you.
And not everyone is brave enough and not everyone hears the calling,
“come with me. I’ve got something to show you. Me”
I’M YOUR SECRET.
It’s all upside down. I see that.
I figured that out by now- and we can’t stop what’s about to happen. I never told a soul about Him and what I took. I never told anyone about what He did.
I kept it all inside. I said, “your secret was safe with me” and I meant it.
Personally, I give my secrets away freely- and I love it -because people think it’s me being “vulnerable” I just LOVE playing the part…it’s so thrilling to watch what happens next when you think you’re on top – because you aren’t.
(what I just said is slightly a lie)
There’s a lot of ways to flip this. There’s a lot of ways to do it. “I’m sorry, I never meant to tell you- but it’s so hard holding it all inside”-and yet, I hadn’t said a thing.
I AM the thing-
..that’s why I keep going- boundlessly fueled and running at top speed…
The darkness got me high. The darkness got me pumped.
The secret is alive and she’s vivid.
The secret isn’t a confession. The secret isn’t a satisfaction that you get. The secret isn’t written in twinkling words-
She is actually a person. And She’s out there..
So be careful,
Sharada Devi ✨