Dear God, and all I see is you…
the essence of bhakti, do I have to remind you, knock on your heart or whisper in you ear? I can’t tell you how to hear you, to do or not to do, to be or not to be. Your spark is unique and only you know how to fan the flame of true love. You know what foods to eat and you know how to get real. You know these things and everyone wants a star of their own to follow, I know because so do I. Where do we find him, this child divine who stands on the moon and draws circles of god? Where do we find the little girl who feeds spiders and hops over ants and prays for dead dogs? Who is the thing of beauty and what is a star? I’m starting out on two left feet looking for the right path and I’m putting all my gold on you shining one. The viper is vimala devi and that’s what he’s always called me. The python is manjushri and he’s smart just like god. The cobra is surya who wove his way to the summit, hanging on me, who is the moon with my baby standing on top. Top of the top is at the bottom of your heart. We sweep and we dust to see whose name we carved when we were still young. Young and eternal, inside of the clock. Time Immortal is the path of the heartthrob and the way we make love to the ocean. I hear you, the sound, waves crashing on rocks. Wet shakti, hard shiva, it’s always true how me make this happen. Love wasn’t love without first being space- calling all vessels, calling all vessels, will you be the chalice and the points of the horn? Holy soma heaven descends not upon a body spliced in two, oh no, there is only one of us my perfect retribution. Union of the eye strikes dawn and union of the soul strikes midnight and so union of two bodies is left in the dust of dusk. There is no other me but you and if you won’t be god I’m lost making faces in the mirror and shaving my legs.
The essence of bhakti, isn’t it funny how you take love so seriously as if someone was holding a knife to your heart. Make it bleed. Make it bleed.
Am I really alive? Is my heart filled with anything but pictures of bodies, faces I can’t remember and a disappearing moon turning black soot to an emptying strangle? The beloved ornament I thought was my soul, only decorates me when I’m feeling good and it’s sunny outside. Inside where I left you, and who knows how you’ve grown, are only echoes of footsteps and a laughter too faded to drown out these tears making noise. I never knew that even tears could cry for themselves. Maybe my tears cry for your tears because god is inside and the huge ocean and rocky shore is all in my head. And if this were true, which side are you on and could I make it across this vast water? I might die trying and that’s all I can do, because I hear love in the waves that you sent. I might die for you, I think that I would, though my head’s much too shallow- but something feels deep in the hollow of this space. Mystical soul melt. What in the world are you eating to make you so empty and light?
Prayers my beloved, holding god on a string, balloon in the sky never falling. Higher than my highest hope, lower than my burning- a song is blowing in the wind anywhere I fathom. Summer mother. Autumn moon. Full of winter and my life in spring. The clock came out and I forgot myself but I never forgot you and I never will. I remember the hands that hold everything. I remember the bodiless seaside. I remember the cloud where you sat. I remember the rain that you are. I remember your name like I remember your eyes, only bright- coming out of the tunnel with no face. Only silent coming out of the gasp with no grip. Only you, myself as the one, who brought out the world and so I love you.
I wrote you a poem when I thought how to say what can’t be said. If you look below my words you might hear me. I would bring you circles of peace and skies of eternal blue. I would bring you wedding bells and rainbow children. I would bring you the violet before sunrise and I would bring you the silver before death. I would bring myself to you in a tear the way god travels inside. I am to myself what I am to you. I am to you anything that you need. You don’t need me. Pain is my halo. You don’t need me, I’m wrinkled and worn. Soft morning moon you seem to fade more beautifully into the light than anything I have ever seen. Your sunshine never dies, only forgives and I’m filled with your promise of silver and your wrath of gold. However you look at me, I love you. However I find you, I see only myself.
There is nowhere left to go swimming angel. In the sea that pulls me I cry for only you. I have no life but to die in your eyes. God alone feels the tears of god and so nobody knows me but you. Why am I here without you? Where will I go until then? Come to me across the water, slick black water on the new moon night. Since you’ve given me circles and edges of sight, I will give you the island of me. To float or to sink, as long as you’re there, in the wind singing softly my home, only you. Wherever you are I will go, whatever you want, I will give. Flame thrower, light on the water, deep crack in the valley, swallower of me. Time Immortal where birds never die but hover in the spaceless ageless faceless glory of you. I could write a poem that went forever. I could swim forever for you. I could drown myself in dream visions watching you cry for god inside god. Did I make you love me again, are you coming back? I will go wherever god lives and I will save her. I will go wherever god dies and I will bury her with my body. I will hurl myself into flames crying out your name forever, even as ashes in the wind never land, so will I fly forever upon the wind with you.
I was going to write you a poem but it never got off the ground. I was going to tell you I’m in your world. I’m in your heart. I’m in your tears. I’m in your sparks. I’m in your eyes. I’m in your you, and I know I’m only me. God out there wherever you are, I am a flower for you, here like the light that opens. I want to be inside of you in a place without mirrors. Do I make sense at all trying to say that I’m nothing inside but a shell? Echo my heart back to me, fill me with sounds of you always. I can never get enough of my love. Your love is my only memory of god. I don’t know anybody else really who strikes angels wingless
and throws their bodies in water, who casts stars from the sky down to earth, who expects me to swim when I’d much rather fly and who hides behind clouds laughing at tears. Rings of light upon the water, halos holding bodies, floating in outer space, drowning in sorrow without song.
Cry for me and never stop. God is god in tears and love is wet and rocks are hard and faces don’t melt, they turn over. Face down on the ground, bleed into the earth. Flowers grow from
me and me alone. Star seed, star dust, the sound of tears falling back down. The mystical cloud of the places you hide crying and feeding me back to myself, remind me of how you know everything and cradle newborns. I know my love is pure because you are my love and I’m empty without you. Mothers light of god that carries the torch and the chasm, mother light of crystal daggers and evening stew, mother light of grim and dark places, mother light of eternal, unburned love, I offer flames of devotion to you. I offer tears of love. I offer my body to the earth and my soul to the sky. I offer you my wings and my sight. I offer you this empty moon disc to sit upon so that I can sing to you upon the wind across the holy waters of forever. I could have spent my time more wisely, I could have been the one you heard, I could have been the light inside you, i could have held your hand. I could have married god in heaven and I could have bowed to the mirror that you held. It’s you my yearning serpent, it’s you who wore the wings, it’s you who dangles horns and it’s you who signs the dot.
Love keeps laughing in my heart. “The one who leaves can never leave,” I heard you say that as the dog lie dead. Its not morbid, it’s my mother. Empty of blood, empty of light, as full as the galaxy and black as forever. Are you sure that’s what you want? Dreams upon paper and a heart upon stone, waves upon water and a glass full of tears. I will drink only you as you fall into me- the one who pulls venom from snakes and honey from flowers. My throat carries a snake. My head carries your name and my heart carries you home into me. Always spun like a web of two colors with no eight legged spider to cast from above. It’s me, it’s all me eating your daylight- and it’s ok because I’m dark like your eyes. Only me turning magic to light, only me on the stage stooping, only me picking up stars and flinging the world back into a dormant ruin of grief. How could you forget me?
tender flower petals make love to the lonely wind as silently he stands watching her perish.
This is the mystical marriage and story of a grander love that only knows time when she finally stands still.
Om shiva empty silver bullet. Om shakti full of guns that roar. Exploding outer space on the quiet open sea of secrets. Eclipse the one who took us and bring me back to you sharp shooter. No more of this nothing. I want some more of you. Take me empty and fill the sky with bangs. I don’t care as long as I’m there and you’re singing through every bird that falls back into the waters below, the distance between us, the face of me, the deep heart of heaven means nothing unless I can see you there eye to eye my black redeemer. Light comes last as me as you pierce the space between us. Time Immortal beloved taker of everything I cling to, take me now, the one before and after the two. Dead Ringer. Omniscient windy animal, my friend before the world began, bone breaker come back to the dot. Light signs her name as you…
you are the essence of bhakti, beautiful flower light, singing sacred bird. the door to heaven isn’t far, the bottom of love is as high as the sky. this dream is your dream. this light is your mother. the nectar of song that feeds the mystic is the prasad of the sunlight god. the sunlight is the nectar of the mystical mountain. you are my dream, my moonlight after the song. spirals of union, no one but me. on the crest of her volcano, on the edge of her sea. blue rain falling, white dove on the flame, i saw a rainbow around your head when we touched her name.
please come holy one. crystal RAM☀️
INVITE: essence of bhakti retreat at mystical mount shasta with bhagavan das and sharada devi. please copy/paste link below to view flyer and details