Entry into chaos

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Mastermind. An equation. Long perfect legs. Under my body a dark man lives. I am a bridge. On the other side is a tunnel. It’s a cold land made of nothing but promises. You will lose the ring he never gave you. You will wrinkle time like an old dress. You will rip holes in your own dirty story. Faded you’ll go to the shade and the curtain shall fall. A new you to murder in these  pages, upon this bed. A lot to say, no way to get it out. Sharp angles, I should be alone like all deadly things. She was young and she thought this, all of this- as she stared at her dying fortune…long black hair, cat eyes. An oval mouth and her voice, oh her voice was the nightingale’s lovestruck incantation…the beginning is at the end -and I’ve began how it ended. I twisted the plot until everything sagged. I’m a vortex, you can’t stop me. Read on…and so…I want to be honest. There is such a thing as many  people inhabiting the one. I am here…and here. Sweet sorrow bird, will you hear my story….just remember when…love thought it died…

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and she cried and cried until a new river was formed. Life was born in this river. Animals came to drink from the river. Otherworldly flowers grew. Longing. It is my heart here transmitting. It is you, the star who never turns but who calls from the deep heavens. One day she looked into the mirror of water and saw her face in a whole new light. This face. This old white moon face spoke to her and said, “there is only me and my flowing love.” Tears fall, I flow into you. I have shown you my god in all things. I have no other world to show you. I am everywhere calling from the dust of stars…

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I could turn into a very cold and dark night. I could be the one filled with bright stars, uninterested in you. little person. You don’t need to touch me or notice me or care. Because I am bigger than you and I am everywhere. Ice too black for eyes to know. Slippery without any warning, moving, erasing. Filling you with myself from the inside out. I could curl into a ball and destroy existence. I could be the one forgetting you, little special one. I could do the thing you fear to do. And I have. I could blind the light for the dark to be known. Bright as the death you left hanging, as lost as the love you forgot. There is no place I cannot go, no end I cannot be. Silence consumes every shadowy child, it is my womb that listens for you. And so when you go looking for god, begging and bowing for solace. Just know that I am your blanket for bed, I am the body you’re under, I am the sky where all ghosts go to live. Underworld, my world above you. I could just yawn and let it be. The human puddle below, a kiss. Two desperate mouths looking for the tunnel out. Who can ever leave what’s gone. I had a moment of collapse and when you arrived the sun was setting. If this is a holographic universe, I am right. Left over sequencing old math into black burning eyes. No, you can’t see me, I am too far away. My breath lives in the quiet wind, hiding I leak from the stars. Poison spreading and memories rising. From the deep. I am deep, sorrow forgotten. Where did you leave me hanging as if all black bodies simply are satan. In the flames of heaven’s inferno. In the cool embrace of a merciful lord. If anyone loved me, ever loved me at all. It was a slash, not a sliver. It was bigger than the night sky. It was a giant foot above me. Pushing me into the earth to understand why cruel hearts go left unpunished. Pushing me to feel the pain of the most unwanted. Forcing me to warm my cold because I am in this place also forgetting that I am what turns and spins and nothing else but me can stop the prism’s glue from sticking but recognition of my own. Body, liar, lost and growing old and scared. I could be you inside. Do you hear me.

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Everyone is sad because of me. This world is hollow. His hands aren’t warm. My eyes are broken, like glass plates unable to hold a thing.
You have left me back then, before in the warm summer. Green was everywhere, I had you in my eyes. I had songs and happy animals barking, breezes and deities swooning. There were words making beautiful love to each other all because of me. Now, I am alone. A cold barren wounded wolf. It was a trap, I don’t know why. I know I don’t matter as much if at all, I know 3 legs are better than none. I am from the place where the dark sun resides. If you don’t want it, don’t come around asking for this version of God. There is only one way she runs, which is down. Amber body into dusk. It all sounds good on paper. Yes, I know. I suffer the four directions. Center-less and roaming in his realm for the ancient scrolls. You want me to talk of yoga and Hanuman. You want me to say namaste and blessings. You want me to keep smiling so you can lie to yourself. You want me to pretend it’s all real. As if God gives a fuck about your moods.

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There was once a girl who was very sad. Because she lost her heart in someone she couldn’t find. She left her everyone and everything she knew and she went to live in the forest with nothing but her sadness. One night she had a dream in which a voice told her, “you’ll be awake soon.” She woke up in the middle of the dark night wrapped in a blanket of stars. She still lives in the forest and now her hair is very long and white. I love her from very far away.

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Tall trees. A silver waterfall. A gold crown.  Human body. A painted wall. Entry into chaos.

Sharada Devi

11 thoughts on “Entry into chaos”

  1. I realize you have some drawing’s with this rendering. However, I was gifted with mental images of wildly painted scenes, Van Gogh similarity, deeply felt and creatively inspiriting as I read on. Should you have artistic ability, and decide to create and offer them (paintings), I’d like to be on your mailing list. I have a talent in music, but am held equally seduced by paintings, which I don’t appear to have a knack for. Your writing has that Je ne Sais Quoi that resonates with humans that breathe and are conscious of it. I appreciate our relationship over time. A teacher once told me, “Time is the illusion that we are getting somewhere.” Then one day I experienced the self as the witness and “that” never went anywhere, everything else seemed to move around but not that awareness. Then my mind came back in. I got back just in time.

      1. I am happy. It’s quite bright. You know, when my love for you stops expanding I’ll immediately get back. From your words and sketches I’m thinking you have a body of work waiting to speak for themselves. I really believe you represent an over abundance of hearts that yearn for a certain clarity that results from the two sister’s of “love and understanding”. As Baba Neem Karoli said, “I suffer also.” Like the UFO people say, “we are not alone”. Your site is healing. I believe that

        1. your words lift me into the stars,
          I remember, yes it’s love we create,
          we make, we suffer and we know
          God is within this mess of human.
          You are from that place. ❤️

  2. There is a lot going on here, layers, myths twisting. I don’t want you to be locked in the room of my heart. I don’t want to be some hero checking the rooms, even though I have to be. I want to remember. What isn’t going on, and hold you in my collapsed being.

    1. This is a beautiful box you speak of
      being a human with a boundless heart,
      we know what we have to do,
      it always hurts-
      Merging heaven and hell…
      especially when we mean it.

  3. chaos of confusion and disarray
    or the doorway back to chaos as the formlessness before the beginning
    i select the latter.
    A version of god that lives when i breathe, not when brought to my knees
    more like simple sensation rather than a pranayama lesson
    every where, every thing, all the time
    inescapable
    in all directions
    being born in each moment , when the profane meets the sublime.
    💠
    💠
    Yes, I do hear you.

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