approaching death with a yearning heart


Transformation. Astral fire, demon fever, burning pitch. The night makes black sounds, the day holds memories. You can’t forget what she told you although you may try. The wounded girl, I threw death to the floor and I pounded him until he stopped trying. To be the one on top of me. I had to laugh, the burn in my belly, the dust turns to you. I am not real. I am a knock on a faraway door, the door inside the night made of black sounds. The hum that the day turns to light. But I stayed down like a wild cat in the woods. I let the light fall over my body and nobody saw where I went. I pushed against the earth, I was sucked into the sky. Baby, on my floor made of sticks, the fire is always alive in this place. Down, I am nothing I say and all that I do. If you notice it matters and if you don’t it’s a waste. The pounding, the hum of the black panther, the sucubus demon the oracle walks upon. I told you everything I know and my words spun like a silver web, I caught you and you didn’t even see the cage I live in. My body is a cage. A sacred golden cage with a throne made of ice and a fire in the middle. Above my cage is a moon hanging upside down dropping words into my mouth, promising me the light. I hear you. I hear dead bodies, I hear songs sung by torture. I hear the one carrying the keys walking back and forth down the invisible halls, glass halls with glass floors, cracks everywhere. Mary holding Jesus inside of everyone’s cage. Stars in the ceiling, my head is inside a circle of spinning stars. Can you see what you’ve done? Can you take down
the sky, pull up the ground. Be happy in a golden cage, a forest panther. Black and brave. The transformation, fire caught on camera. She tells you the truth and the truth is a venom. Black panther, and the spider who weaves. Heart snake and the memory that breathes. My torn skin of starlight, dark sky of song. This little window you watch through, this little space you call home. This little window and you haven’t seen what you inhabit, this little space and you haven’t welcomed your body back home. The fire and the primal cause, my breathing hum into the heavy silence of every yantra ever born. It’s in every word, not just some. It’s in every touch not just sex. It’s in every gesture, not just kindness. It’s the it of the point. The middle of a diffused encounter, it’s a buzzing. This needle breaking skin, sewing bodies back together, bringing us into her triangle of destruction. Are you afraid? Yes. We die. We die hard trying to mount the one pounding. Transformation, the deadly hot fire of perfected love. The fire made of human sticks, the black panther lying upon the throne. Golden bars, silver webs, bodies dangle as I throw pink roses everywhere saying thank you for dinner. I wasn’t afraid. I was seated upon ice, melting myself into mirrors shaped like snowflakes. I know my words don’t matter. The blind can’t read a thing, but grope through sentences pretending my words are simply eyes. Look a little harder at the invisible page, behind the useless words, the blue deadly fire. It’s written all over your face. How this body rages like a storm sitting quietly, regally like a satisfied cat. Control the storm, control my reign, control the heat. Go ahead and try. Life in a body bag, life lashing out in desperate song. Moving, keep moving. Heavy headed thoughts, you didn’t want what the night held, you wanted memories of sticks and daylight status. There is no you, not a me in sight. Yantra body, the God held high above the fire. Words spiral in the smoke. Sticks hang from silver webs, poison drips and I drink wet souls like honey. Buzz kill. The humming. I hear forest beasts and I want out of my golden cage, crystal receiver. Black antenna, mountains that rip open earth, valleys that tear through smooth open legs, it’s this body, hail the virgin in between us who cries for her son. Hail the virgin who holds death perfectly still as a baby. Hail the virgin who burns in hell fire, the witch who sinks us all. “God is your father,” she told him. “Go and die.” Die for God on a stick. Put your hat on, sharp headed needle, pierce the sky, give me blood. Cover your body in holes for the snake. The traveling silver snake that was born from the web. Heart snake, body fire. Rapid blue water, unstruck sound. Silent fire. A wild feline sitting on a throne made of ice. A disc made of moon. I am waiting for you. And it’s all true about the cannibals and how we have been protected. But no good thing lasts forever and the man with the keys is unlocking the doors, and will you leave and be free and possibly eaten?

The new moon tells me everything. I have a million ears. I wish I didn’t. I have only one flower and it hides out in the deep forest. It’s the first and only flower ever born, beneath beams of moonlight, inside a cave with a hole in the top, the flower, embedded in crystal. The source of humming is the flower’s soul. The dying happens slowly and we all feel afraid of her moon stories. Don’t cling to the cage, remember the flower. The deep forest goddess flower that nobody but God has ever seen.

And still I move for you growing songs like butterflies. And still I love every word, every step of daylight. And still I kill you softly, like I turn everything back into the beginning. Unstruck. Body on body. Burning on the cross, hanging from a thread. She’s an immaculate empty black box of ether that contains nothing with bones or skin. The black velvet of her love outlasts even your dream of a golden morning rising. I hope you know what that means. She is a white shell. Colorless love, white perfect beauty. I hear my sacred flower. God knows everything. Thank you is all I have. Beloved walls, keep me inside you forever imaging morning, my little window. My soul deep in the forest humming, kissing dream eyes that lead into the silent places like caves with holes in the top. A hole filled with moonlight. The sun without a shadow. You without a body, a soft luster in the the center of my petals glowing in a place nobody will ever see, but me. I know God’s abode, fragile immortal uncoiled open to her. Felt. The world inside feels it all, I feel God…

and I imagine God has a face just like yours.

And I thought those were my final words but I was wrong. I want to say I’m sorry I am in a distant land. My deepest anchor is my love of what this means, the most painful words of all, I write in translucent blood beneath your feet. You are a mountain and I am the space that fills your world. I write how much I meant to love but could not find the words to tell you, how I left or why my words still echo like searching ghosts in my broken heart. Still searching for you to say what I never said. Don’t leave me here  all alone in the sky. Don’t make me invisible. Don’t die without me. Don’t cry when I’m gone. If I go, the winds take me back to the first time my hand was warm. Struck and loved without any words or reasons. And then the oceans and rivers were made so I could swim and drown and search  for you. And then the earth so I could grow as a seed deep in your ground so you would never forget me. Then after a milion years of pain when I found you again, you would see me in your eyes and my silence and my words would matter and we would be the fire and we would know that God rises and God falls and we would have heavenly bodies and hell would only be the disguise of man. We would find the words to the song and we would be the melody that fills the heartflower with endless light. But we would suffer because we would once again, know death and we would feel desperate and separate but God would breath into us the unbreakable breath of infinity and we would no longer be alone but eclipsed and purely barren like the petals of the only flower ever born. You in my heart as the world and anything that ever mattered or existed.  I know I’m far away, like a ghost in the ocean mist, I know I’m too close to see. I feel God. I feel you as every smoky flame and every velvet moon. I know you only as the tender flower in my heart crying out to the son of God with breath and blood and the pain of love…

approaching death with a yearning heart.

Take me back and I don’t know where. But it’s love that breaks everything and it’s you that found me looking for my lost love, who heard the sky and ocean and earth in my moon words, and who shined like God over the dark sea. My world came closer to earth because of you and now I can almost feel the flower drinking my soul deep inside the womb of reaching while dying.

Into you, the feeling of everything. Sharada Devi

3 thoughts on “approaching death with a yearning heart”

  1. i sat silently – then – soaking in your under bright stars night beauty as you hummed sweetly like silk and honey and ghee pouring over embers and flames fanned by un- touched touching eternal love embedded in the very DNA of me… you with wild flowers in your ravenous hair, fair and entrancing, motionlessly dancing the best of breath enhance stillness. Crystal cross on third eye spaces, marking places of union beyond the beyond…
    that was then – and this is now…
    Do you hear this day’s mourning tune? that sings sallow and dirge like low and hollow as slowly slowly the meandering wayward road lead down and down away and away from the mothership cone beckon land stance back to sinister lackluster of days and days melting into puddles of mutant craze. flight of free is less than fancy now becoming molded incrementally back into the stint of empty mirror gaze haze losing fire blaze… peeling back to raw, layer by layer invisible except to the vagabond blind voyeur lurking inside black panther emerald eyes spark created by dark mother hypnotize not settling for compromise. white morphed to color to grey to now. stark and sullen rainbow hue into vague. blank page enraged, flint kindle into survive. new seeds to plant, internal chant, sustenance the only perceptibly tangible next step. Adept, adapt accept detach. Deep cleansing breath. Aaahhh… Wet prayers prayed & preyed upon with dry tears sprung from deep swell wells. i am still looking into your radiant eyes and telling you i love you. filled with fortitude residing anchored in the green forest heart fortress, mistress hunter warriors priestess on a mission returns to tarmac of left- from liftoff. home again back from hOMe transformed ?
    You bet your sweet ass i am !

    1. you’re such an angel, whisper the song,
      “love never left me alone, not like that,”
      mother lily of the light. Golden grace ❤️

  2. My heart
    A butterfly
    With wings

    No room left to grow
    In this little cocoon

    Oh, Sun rip it open
    Burn these silk threads
    My feet, my head

    Why would you keep me

    So contained
    So insane
    To be with you…

    Shiva shiva shivaaa

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