I’m in the hospital. I had to go to the emergency room because I couldn’t stand up because I was weak and dehydrated from days of vomiting.
It all happened suddenly and apparently it’s just a complication from the surgery I had and my bowel got twisted or something. I’m honest with you because I have nothing to hide. I’m on morphine for the pain and endless fluids being pumped in- of course my arms are all poked to death because they couldn’t find a vein- but that’s ok, I felt nothing at all. I’ve been poked so much, needles mean nothing to me. Everyone is so nice and I love the kindness of their well meaning hearts.

And I look around in this room and it’s the middle of the night and I’m all alone-and the clocks too loud and the machine next to me is irritating and I have this horrible tube that smells like plastic going up my nose and into my stomach to pump out all the green bile so I’ll stop throwing up. The doctor said I’m lucky I came because I was deathly dehydrated.

And I didn’t know what the problem was and maybe this time I will die. And I felt nothing. No fear. Only sadness for the sick people and only love for the plight of us all.

It’s just so funny how truly lost we are. Why can’t we see that nothing matters. There’s nothing to get and nobody out there. It’s us alone with our truth, whatever that is, and that’s it. I hope you’re comfortable there. I was thinking, ” I could die tonight” and I knew for sure, that it would just be me with who I’d become and who I believed I was. That would be all I would have. So what’s the point of any of this torture we subject ourselves to when the truth can strike at any moment?

And I can’t drink any water or eat of course. And I’m only getting thinner and there’s blood all over my hand where the needle keeps slipping. And I can’t breath through my nose and I can’t sleep and I’m being tortured by the kind doctors and nurses so I won’t die, just yet.

We should get real. I like it here all alone at 3am because it brings me close to the edge of something real. I’m dying of thirst, just like a hungry ghost. And it’s real. The suffering of our lives and our frail mortality are the two most real things we have. We’re on the wire, we really are.

And in a way it feels like heaven to be this free.
These people seem like angels. The sick people walking slowly down the halls dragging their oxygen tanks don’t fool me at all. It’s everywhere. It’s God in drag. And what an elation
to be in the charnel grounds once again and it’s all so different than before. This illusion is so grand. I love every second of it.

But never let your tears fade away. Never let your angst stray far. These are gifts and reminders of our right to be here. Our right to be had and loved in the midst of all the hunger and vomit. We’re searching you know, for the other end of the string. And my body is strong and my spirit is stronger. But my body is transient and shifting.
Who then, can I be forever? Because you won’t find her in a mirror or a hospital.

You’ll only find her in your Braveheart.

Sharada Devi

35 thoughts on “BRAVEHEART”

  1. Oh dear sweet Sharada Devi! You are an ageless one dancing in charnel grounds and laughing with all of us. We are all misfits with broken angel wings and shattered hearts of divine wholeness. I love you and want to collect sunrise dew from the tender grass leaves and bring pitchers of it to you wherever you are so that you are re-hydrated fully. You are pure light and you shine radiantly as the Holy Mother Light within the hospital room. All the birds this morning sing prayers and blessings. Candles burn for your swift and steady rejuvenation. Om Mani Padma Hum❤️

    Love, love love,

    Tara Devi

    1. Om Mani Padme Hum 108 X and then some more ad infinitum for my dear, sweet friend. I am praying for you! Keeping you in my heart.
      A butter lamp for your healing Ma!

      Much Love!
      Jai Ram!
      Dharma Das

  2. when i got sick a month or two ago…i felt a sense of peace flow in…that i was ready to die…alone…in fact alone seemed better because there would be more God…and less clinging to the world…hope you feel better…

  3. Glorious Dakini resting on a sliver lined cloud,
    Fly up to the Sun , and recharge your rainbow body.
    The zephyr winds may have ravaged your wings,
    But inside , your diamond light soul remains intact.
    All my love and prayers are for you ,
    Beautiful Goddess….
    Om Ma, Elle

  4. Sister!

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. Please rest. You recycle so much energy it’s no wonder your getting all twisted up inside. I am praying for you and you’ll be well soon. I love you, and if I was there I would wash your feet and sage your body. I’m sure baba is on it. Your so strong so your recovery will be fast, but you should milk it and you will come back stronger than ever. Rest.

    Om Gam Ganpataye Namo Namah

    Luv luv luv luv luv

  5. Oh most beloved Sharada Devi
    my sweetest sister moon.
    this heart is overcome with feelings that have no name.
    Yes it is so real, alone at 3am
    but i am there with you
    with a love that is sincere and eternal.
    i will pray for your recovery
    and sing songs of love and healing to ease your pain.
    You who give so much of herself
    what can i give to you?

    This love is boundless and knows no end my dearest friend.

      1. In spite of your own health issues you inquire about us being well 🙂 Thank you. We are very very well. We returned from the island earlier tonight, and are currently at our daughters in Portland. Tomorrow we pick up the pup from our friends on the coast, then we head back to the Ashland area on Thursday. Thanks to your words, (the truth often hurts but hopefully inspires real change, in our case, that’s exactly what happened) things have changed in a big way. We are both healthy and sober and have a new lease on life. Thank you and Baba. I love you both so much. I hope I can see you soon and if you need anything, you know how to reach me. By the way, I have a nice djembe now, if you ever need a drummer in a pinch. Om Namah Shivaya

        1. Thank you Shankara. I’m glad to hear things are improving and that your both doing great. It’s now just about keeping up!
          Much Love

  6. Just like she is, we are free to just be here, now in this blink of an eye, we see beyond our thoughts like waves on a stormy sea and we sing like a stone to be found in her mouth again. She is the word and you know it because when you shine on the real mind moment you let go of kali’s curse.

    She comes here always and forever. The true blue sadhu light shines from her starry eyes of night. She shows me the way, because she is the heart of real compassion. For the self absorbed madness She is the crystal streams on our mirror loops. There is no one there. Open the door. Look into the sun and see the black light.
    This hospital night…… bhagavan das

  7. by virtue of the energy that accelerates and releases us from time…the time that enslaves and ultimately rejects us…by the only force that can produce an enviable death…and a life worth living…

    above the limited eyes of temporal perception…passion…escape…loving understanding and acceptance without reservation…the shadow fruit of passionate love hidden by the dusty oppression of desert heat…rescued…but mostly importantly found…our souls aligned together with the dawning flashpoint of the suns passing focus…

    i just realized that maybe my father saw my white skin and fine baby red hair…this woman that he never loved in the first place…who spent every dime that he earned and then some on credit…in a city he hated…he said FUCK THIS…and drove off into the solace of his own madness one night in a little red car as i watched passively from my mothers arms…crying…because she was crying..

    1. I’m sure he saw you and it’s his loss and he knows it. This is really really REALLY stellar writing. Complex and passionate. And I love it. sometimes words like these can change everything.

  8. What happened to you? Why are you so sickly? I feel great after your health recommendations.

    John 🙂

      1. I didn’t know she had a drinking problem =/ sorry to hear

        Hope you can overcome it love 🙂

        Praise Shiva

        John Kosswix

        1. Dear John,
          I DO NOT have a drinking problem! How insane. But funny! As usual.
          Shane was referring to himself not to me-
          He feels alcohol makes him a better writer potentially but he doesn’t really mean it….he just has a hard time taking complements.

          1. i spoke into the sacred fire in a voice unlike my own…channeling the most sacred energy known to man…blessing you…blessing the world…and now the world is spiraling into chaos…and you’re fuckin dead…

  9. Very few understand…..I can’t say I’m one of them.
    In your videos the truth is there, seeking me out, stunning at times, your words like sharp daggers cutting thru the nonsense..
    And I die to some things. Painful, but only I feel the burn, the hot tears, ……
    I love this transformation in you… Fittingly perfect. You will survive and thrive and be reborn, again…..out of depths of primordal hell.
    Your name was Kali…..
    She’s letting you in on what it meant to have a name like that.
    Some people have all the luck!
    Beholden in my prayers not for ease, but clarity..
    Om and Prem,

    1. Dear Parvati,
      The perfection in the honesty and grace of your words is unparalleled and I love you
      and thank you for your clear eyes that see into the darkness where the light is always waiting. It’s so lonely and hard to define.
      And it’s painful and it’s her love always
      taking us down one more time so we might
      practice what we preach I guess.
      I love you in all your splendid and radiant glory.
      And we know it doesn’t matter who else sees us as long as we’re there…🌹

  10. Bless You Sharada! The world benefits from your Divine presence.Your an Angel of Truth and Light in world of much darkness.You are a Fierce protector of The Dharma.With all humility, I bow to your Braveheart. In a world of lies you are not afraid to confront the shadows of illusion and speak the truth.I feel your unwavering commitment to liberate yourself and all beings from suffering.You have been a true Blessing for Baba and us all.I know there is Bright path ahead for you in this life and beyond…
    May God’s Grace Eternally fill your Soul.

    1. Thank you Nico for all your love and constant selfless support and generosity.
      We are very blessed to know you and to be loved by a soul as giving and compassionate and truly sincere as you are- it is a great blessing and I love you. Om mani padme hum

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