Blood tree, you kill from the inside…

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The american dream died and I couldn’t swallow. You just laid there looking at me, a little blonde corpse just like your mother. I died in her eyes. I looked out the window and the whole world was still going on. You hid under white sheets with her in the corner of the room- covered and whispering little girls. Sports raged on the screen- as loud men fighting over getting the chosen ball in the designated hole. I walked in unannounced. I was betrayed. The whole world wants me to swallow but I won’t. I’ll keep staring at myself in the mirror wondering why. Conjuring little boys who hide without knowing why. Everyone was there, at the temple that weekend and you stayed in your room. I don’t know what to do with your soft sweet voice my little blonde moonlight. I’ve been laying here trying to figure this out, since I know all these characters are me. But they’re also you- and so I know why you’re here. Your mother- she’s the fearful timid one. You only want to free her from your body where she’s trapped. Your father tries to help from within but it’s useless. I saw it all and I understand. We are insane, do you hear me. Swaying in the wind little boy. Blood tree, we are possessed by this dream and sexual fantasies of a lust too disturbing to be revealed to another human lest they tear out their own eyes. Do you understand blood tree? Why we’ve grown as we have into her little girl? Do you hear me blood tree, your roots dangle down into my thirsty body sucking out my pain. Blood tree, do you realize the sins of lust are driven by your mother who cannot find the seed she hungers for- so she eats the earth from your very own childhood- and you adore her- and she consumes your mind from the darkest depths of hell. Do you understand blood tree, the waters when they shimmer- are not what you think. The moon casts the light my beloved and the moon takes the light- is my  dream. I felt betrayed, you could have never stopped her. Little girl- pale corpse of the god that takes everything we wanted. Inside from the eye of this nightmare I begin to spin, lost in my head. Who are you anyway? I cannot last another day zipped up in this bag. I lay all night breathing without anyone hearing a sound. No heart beats, no chest rises. But I am here as the cold. My warm human lover, I speak of you as I write of this irony. Of course it happened, yes it’s all real- and we’re getting out of here. Blood tree, anyone can climb if they need to- out of this world and into the next. I will make thunder out of you- do you understand. And I will crack this earth open- and I will pull out her head from your roots. Blood tree, you kill from within, and so do I…

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it is everything and yet nothing consumes every moment. How can my hand fail me. The king has died. The land shall perish. How can she hold me steady. The queen has no page. The sky will hover then sink. These fingers crawling up my spine. We play the notes, the song never heard. Land upon me little bird. Land and sing about your journeys. I watch the tip of the very tree that would destroy my flight. I watch the sharp branch move his hand through me. The sound of the little one, the scratch on the page. My naked back bleeds from her nails and I’ve lied. I’ve lied about so many things to make this world love me. Back. Enchant me swooning pirate of the deep. I hear you. I do. Call me back, lift her high. I have moved into another dimension because of this. An alternate reality where darkness fades like words never read. But they were there, it happened. Everyone died, because of me slowly wanting you less and less because of God and more because of silence. Feed me beak of light, feed me to the worm who has his hole beneath this tree. Leviathan snake, ride my body of black back into the kingdom we rule as one. The jewels, the priceless stolen memory jewels. I want you. I shine in your eyes of empty nothing. You will leave me. Nobody cares about the story outside my window. Nobody wants a painted soul who used be queen. Nobody laughs like the darkness at the story of why he died- just so she could see her newborn shimmer like ice in his body. I’m cold little one. Feathers turn to scales. I can fly little one, the big one shall dip into you looking for the bottom. Of the wet world who moans when she’s naked and listening to the backdrop of his gray. Leaves will fall, blown into the water. The tree has roots that we fail to touch. Talons, pointed hooves blanch the sky. Everything flies away, don’t be deceived, it’s all glass. It’s all invisible horse wild white freedom, red eyed lies to the aching heart that lies as I write how there is no night- while there is. How I shall create my own world from the sorrow that has become a mystic cry. Crying out to me from my sleep, I write because I hear you. All of you disappearing into that land. And so we ride deep into the valley where they live. And my body becomes a glorious pale rainbow- and my heart becomes a diamond- and the bird becomes an ancient immortal horse with wings as bright as glass- and the water is made of sky- and we never die of course. These roots have fingers that draw on blue wind, these immaculate things of my mind have eyes that see in all directions. And we are the only gods who will ever live to see tomorrow. Where love crawls up every spine as we twist into each other as the loveliest creatures of all. We want each other don’t we? The way colors bleed from the rainbow. The throne is my bones, I know this. The instrument is our desire for her face. Her face is what I show you now- look into me, see my beautiful frail rage. Her language is the fear that opens it’s mouth into his-   when he pulls out his sword and tells her it’s over. The end of death, the meaning of love. The perfect destruction. The creation of a parallel bedroom where love is eternally made as all of the things we thought we could never be, but we were. We were all of them. Again and again I rise unafraid of the horizon I leave. For you, I open to light leaving blackness behind like a shadow who knew my whole body. Because there is nothing but this escape from the pain of goodbye. Nothing I live for but that I cannot leave you, ever- my lips from your mouth. My eyes from all that you see. I am in you, never shall we part the sea that would swallow us entirely. Where they live is beneath us. Deep inside this divinity we inevitably extinguish the flame. Into one another, black sky. Forever my swan, I dive for you down there. My fire inside the earth, is that you are. I breathe of her fire. I am a funnel of immeasurable consumption. I grow in the sadness of every human eye. Soul, won’t you listen for the wings of my horse. Blood tree, you kill from the inside. Sharada Devi

4 thoughts on “Blood tree, you kill from the inside…”

  1. What you are asking for felt like a shock from that deep black tree. A real excorcism with painful implication. Demonic dismemberment- identity destruction, maybe. I know the flaming sword is real and is what it takes: the root. It’s job is to cut the ancestral bridge- to free the boy from the weight of America and the girl from the dark tower. I don’t know anything else right now except the feel of the eve of battle, that no one wants to go on. Maybe I can lift the bird. Maybe I can burn into the dusty ground. Maybe I can wear my armor of light like skin- under this…and face the day.

    1. If my eyes are not meant to see you in love, then there is no point in being a human.
      If my feet don’t carry me in your favor, why walk.
      My mouth moves and it is ash if not to please you. Because I don’t care for the world without your falling upon it. Rain, petals, light…darkness… will be me in the end. Holding your light.

  2. “I grow in the sadness of every human eye.”

    Every day that I am here, I am reminded of how fragile life is…I hear crying below me…tears of sadness. Vibrations reverberate up the walls. I can hear her. Her legs twitching uncontrollably, which keep her up all night. She is alone. So alone. She was hit by a drunk hit n run driver right in front of the house we share. She is now paraplegic from the chest down. That was three years ago, and she struggles to makes ends meet. 25 years old when it happened. She now uses a catheter every day, and shits uncontrollably sometimes. She can’t feel when she has to go to the bathroom. She can’t feel if she has cut herself, so, sometimes wounds become so deep and infected which affects the rest of her body.
    The 17 year old who hit her fled the scene, but the forces caught up with him. Unfortunately, only a very small settlement was the outcome after a two year battle. At such a young age, she has faced the depth of hell here on earth that keeps reminding me of the tornado….the darkness that lurks around every corner… that whatever it is we think we “have” can be swept away at any moment.

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