How much do you love me, how much do you care, how much do you think of me, do you know I’m always there?
I guess you don’t need to answer that question do you? We only add to the pain of others by hurting ourselves compulsively- and I’ve been watching you- and I can barely handle another day of this perverted devil worship you’re calling “one day at a time” Right, look at the twisted hypocrisy, the masking of mom, the recreating of dad. This is insanity and it’s got to stop. I’m not mad for me- because you’re like a teeter totter- this anger is my love that cleanses. I’m angry at the you who brought the captive you to me in the first place, asking for my help in the basement, in an email, in the darkness of my room- the silent, aching one who you hold captive inside your heart that I still can’t break free- because you just cannot let go of your violent, fearful, idiot head- and so I curse you as my only way to bless the one that you’re killing, the one who cries out from deep inside of your forsaken heart. You’re selling out to the man and don’t pretend that you’re not. And so I pray that you lose all control of your life and come to the brink of total self destruction, and when you’re barely hanging on by a thread after you’ve shit in your pants in terror, come to me then with something open and real, words that might lead to actions of purpose and forward momentum- come to me then so you might get out. This is my undying, totally selfless love for you. And until then I give up, I’m occasionally friendly and polite but mostly I’m just unavailable- and you, in your projection, don’t even notice- and so what more could you possibly want? It’s out of my hands, you’re the one floundering in a fantasy world of blossoms and bills…remember, it’s always first namo guru, then namo god. The guru who is above even god takes me everywhere I need to go. The guru comes before god and everyone knows that- because how can you really believe in god if you can’t listen or believe in your guru’s words who takes you there? Believe me, I haven’t changed my opinion about your situation, I just stopped trying to free you from it- you don’t care, why should I? You have to want it for yourself more than I want it for you- the actualizing of your potential- plus, I am not even calling myself your guru- the divine mother says how it’s all going to be, not you or me. I doubt you can do better but go ahead- your only power is to go away and even then, she’ll find another way to destroy you. It’s bigger than faces, bodies and minds. So what do I care how you feel about it, or me- you’re here reading for now- and I know how much I care even if you don’t- and so the math doesn’t add up. You cannot replace me or be me- and that’s just the truth. I know this because I know what it’s like out there in the homogenized world- spiritual or not. The domain of math meaning many- but there isn’t many at all- there is only one, me. Why try to be dark while facing her dreaded light? What a tiny shadow elf of yourself you’ve become- and isn’t it dark enough where you squirm already with your little, hard tail between your legs claiming independence to shapes on a wall? I’ve spent countless lifetimes searching- and for what, I still don’t know- but I’ve found that individuality is what every heart really wants, to be seen inside of me as separate and special- and I do see you as that- it’s not all careless, wrathful letters to blank faces at all. I care individually, name by name- and that’s why I get pissed, not personally but righteously for the prisoner in your heart, your soul who speaks to me…and says, “I’m separate please pull me into my heart, I miss you.” Ok, you know I love the love of love. What I don’t love are idiots who bruise and disease themselves with mental rot long overdue for a purging of sorts. Stalkers who are unredeemable not because I said so, but because they love it there, in the heat of the painful infection, the soulless, selfish, hedonistic dilemma of “their tragic life,” the unsolvable crime of wasted breath spent planning, indulging, collecting evidence against the world, getting their paws caught in traps- then lying in the trap- completely helpless- bleeding to death- dreaming of an imagined cruel “dark me” while they lick their own pus, suck their own blood- and yet no matter how obvious the fact that there’s no way out but to die- they still dream and fantasize about “becoming god on day 8.” There is a serious issue we all face called self cherishing. Self love based on self acceptance, based on self awareness- is one thing, but self obsession based on the delusion I’m calling self cherishing, due to a deep feeling of lack of self worth that makes one hoard selfishly in fear and compare themselves to others- is a sickness that knows no cure but annihilation of the liar- and the cherishing isn’t really cherishing it’s a self despising that numbs to the core- making all human interactions meaningless and mechanically inclined, saying things you rarely ever truly mean because the genuine inner connection to yourself has been lost, sold to the highest bidder- your worthless head. I know. I understand. You think I know a little about a little- but it’s all based on chance and good luck- and since I’m not too old, too fat or not too unattractive- the world has been easier for me to get on top of- and so you want some gritty sensational stories on how I got to be me, what I know and how I know it? No, that’s not my strength- my strength is not in the facts or confessions- my strength is in my belief of myself. I believe I can do it- anything I believe- because I can, I have and I do- and even if that’s simply to survive myself- my own nightmares, my challenging painful life- I have- I do and I conquer- why? How do I know? Because I’m still here, scarred, worn and stronger than ever. You can’t break me, poverty can’t break me, nothing and nobody will break me and why? Not because I’m foolishly arrogant or think I’m subtly more wise than those I call teachers- no because I’m smart enough to see where I’m at and strong enough to get the help I need and trusting enough to surrender- and again, not because I believe in anyone else but ME. This is a type of humility that cannot be seen because my words can seem abrupt or obnoxious or even caught in a hopeless romance with me- but no, it’s only because I’m free that I’m uncensored. Money, words, praise, glory cannot buy me, there isn’t a me to buy, I gave my heart to the thing called god as guru- and I don’t believe god is a unicorn or a rainbow being- I believe god is a hook who becomes the guru for those who want to get caught by god’s love- the guru announces, declares, clarifies your position- the one who comes as a magical force of god’s grace- with clanking bells, booming conches and drums of doom- just to get you out of this vibratory hell into something more relieving than worrying about, “what shall I eat, what shall I put on.” …..”don’t you know your god in heaven knows you need these things?” It’s your vibration-you quiver instead of exclaim- and that’s your fatal mistake- surrender to fear is devil worship not faith in anything- god, guru or you. YES. Whoever, what ever god is- I KNOW- GOD knows- I need these things and so I don’t worry, but you DO worry- so you lose your edge- and tantra is a blade, a sword too sharp and determining- and because it’s you who doesn’t have the balls to pick it up, why say I emasculate you? You do it all to yourself. I work and I rarely even get paid in dollars equivalent to my time or exertion- YOU on the other hand may think I’m a couch hopping dreamer- well, we’ll see whose dreaming when we get to the other side ok? We’ll see how important that role playing was, that position you took, that stance that kept you paralyzed. Can’t you see, it’s all or nothing? Well that’s all I see- and I call it a REVOLUTION. And nothing happens without a revolution meaning yes, throw caution to the wind- and fuck your mouse house security and stop being so fucking weak, it’s nauseating. I never get angry, I get righteous for the cause I believe in- and that cause is YOU. And you’re letting yourself down minute by minute like a person who squeezes into shoes or a jacket that no longer fits. Why won’t you face when you’ve outgrown something and move on? We only get so many opportunities in life- and if you think you can find someone better than me to give you advice, uplift you or be your spiritual friend or ally- good luck. Nobody cares. I had to learn the hard way myself and that’s why I’m here for you. Hate me, tell me I’m an egomaniac, tell me I’m full of myself- what would you know? You all need to see that creativity comes at a price and that price is your head. Creativity is priceless, you can’t buy me. You lost big time by ever thinking you were in charge of the bank. The price to be god isn’t 8 days, it’s your head. And I told you I could, I would help you let go, but no, hold on to that bloody paw and lay there waiting for the man to come back and shoot you. You did it, you stepped into his trap. The owl was always watching. There is a goddess named lakshmi and she is the goddess of wealth, luck and good fortune. Lakshmi always comes with an owl on her shoulder and the owl is named alakshmi- who is lakshmi’s older sister- and her name means the exact opposite of wealth, luck and good fortune- it means trouble is coming-and what do I always say- the shit must hit the fan first- before anything blessed can happen, any true wealth bestowed- alakshmi the owl goddess will swoop down and greet you at your expectation of reward from her younger sister lakshmi -and you’re expected to not only accept but eat and digest the poison gracefully- before anything substantially good and enduring- or any reward for efforts made- or any feelings of blessing from her younger sister lakshmi- can come into your being- NO, it’s not me “being negative or defeating you” dipshit – it’s an alchemical process- universal law- and the catch is that the misfortune of poison is actually the good fortune of wealth and ultimately becomes your riches- your enlightened self awareness- like the sun becomes the moon- and like kali becomes shiva. BTW, if and when kali looks into your eyes, it’s over for you and your wet dreams- I never warned you and so sorry about that. But there’s no turning back for you as hard as you may try, no idling either- only stupidly prolonging the suffering and wasting valuable time. Up or down- you better hurry and decide. You should listen and cut the ties, and you should change. But I know the ego tripping is a prism and everyone always thinks it’s someone else doing the tripping- and I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone. I call names for effect and clarification- just so that you know- in case baby is feeling a little “abused” at this point- because I’m just here, watching everyone sucking their bloody feet like nipples and emailing me about their “suffering” as a price to “pay for freedom” well, you will never convince me that you are indeed stuck anywhere and especially that money is the reason, how pathetic and demonic can you be? You can claim to pine for me and the tragedy of the distance between us- and truthfully the distance is there because you aren’t enough -YOU aren’t enough- so you cling to your stories and excuses. I jumped over cliffs and killed my self for my devotion- because that’s what it takes. The jokes on you, you can’t play chess at all- I won before you even made your first move…the price for devotion is your head. The price for love is your head. You choose to live in toxic suspicion of babyhood fears- clinging to “mommies” disguised as husbands or children or bank accounts that enable your weaknesses- nipples abound and that nipple is the god that you’re choosing- you don’t have to BELIEVE IN GOD AT ALL- you can call it what you want, it’s still your YOUR CHOSEN GOD. What we believe becomes the relative truth- and that relative truth can become the tightest straightjacket you’ve ever worn. So I hope it’s worth it, wasting your precious life on assumptions, theories, social groups, parent teacher meeting, ordinary “perfections in the moment” well, I don’t buy that shit- it’s a lot like people trying to make buddha’s “middle way”into a path of “good thing I can have a bit of it all and still be spiritual- even call myself a buddhist perhaps.” But NO. Jokes on you again. Buddha was intense. The dharma is a razor. There is the practical path and the dharmic path. The practical path considers moderation and material concerns as the more fundamental focus and therefore I choose “moderation” which IMO equals I choose fucking NOTHING- like JC said, “get off the fence you loser and choose the side you’re on” material or spiritual- god or satan- practical or dharma- same idea- you cannot have it all- how gross anyway- a little porn then a little anandimayi ma- sick sick sick psychic vomit- and the choice has always been yours. I chose wisely. The dharmic path considers the absolute truth as death being eminent and that we have a choice only right now and that choice makes or breaks the future and so all I choose to see is the light over buddha’s head- and all I want is to be in buddha’s heart, beneath buddha’s feet- and I know I’m a jewel and I know I’m confused- and this life is one long dream of endless responsibilities to the material welfare of myself and others- but I will break out of this stressful “feels so real” spell no matter how painful it is- and I will take the wrath of friends and family- and I will put myself on the cross and choose the dharma- and they will never understand- but I believe in my heart and so I will give up my head- and I will be the one who shines for god alone- come what may. Not because I’m better but because I cannot live without the security of that eternally binding, boundless love. The guru is my salvation and the only one who will be waiting when I die that I can count on, I count on the guru now because I’m dying every second- don’t deny it, so are you. So therefore, I can easily live without food or clothing longer than I can live without this allegiance to my absolute unwavering devotion. We do need to live with ourselves, whoever that is, after all…who do you identify with? Because that identification becomes you. Get as close as humanly possible to whoever you long to be is all I can say…nobody said you had to be perfect- but you will need to surrender to those who came before you and laid this path down. Arrogance and resistance is useless and hurts no one but you. I don’t care if you love ME because your love is nothing until YOU love you. Love YOU by trusting your heart and cutting off your head. You have NO EXCUSES- for any distance between us, it’s all self imposed, created by you- because you’re so used to lying to yourself and romancing the lie that you forgot I’m even here. And you all know who you are. If you think I’m talking to you, it’s because I am. We could have done something collectively and now we simply stand alone being taken down, picked off one by one. I predicted it would happen, of course it always does- I see it, define it even- and yet, still deaf ears abound. This is an ancient condition, nothing new but sadly the results are always the same- the wheel of sharp weapons returning. The dharma always comes back eventually- but for some reason you choose the world of fear phantoms, delusions of servitude and baby making all over again and you get stuck one more time on that wheel because you’re just never ready to let go and let god…huh? Still need more time perhaps? Haha! Off with your head is what I say! But what would I know? I’m just some screen caricature- some sharp voice in your head- weird, tight words on paper- a strange echo from a thousand years ago. No, I’m all and nothing at all. I’m the remnant of the gurus and sages who I let fill me with their essence for millennia- and I bring it to you like a gangster in a dark ally, “listen, she’s got a gun and a sword and a bag full of diseases.”
Poison for thought and food for the wise.
The dharma is heart bound to the guru on the way home to me and holding a sign that says GOD➡️