because I won’t back down

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Where is the forest? Here I am in limbo. Back in the little hovel yurt and dome. Bhagavan Das stayed in Guatemala. You know we’re doing the retreat together in June but the rest, it’s over just like that. Because of me, the dogs are gone and I destroyed the entire thing. It’s surreal. It’s ok. But limbo is it for me and I am searching inward what to do. I am hoping the same of you. I have so much faith in you to guide me and I pray you will give me feedback. I basically have no reason to be any particular place. I was thinking of somehow opening a place like a yoga studio but not exactly- because it’s the real yoga I’m after- where the postures are only a fraction of the equation- you know what I mean. Something low stress and sustainable that is in a pure, conducive setting and will support people in a deep all encompassing way. It’s just that I’m sitting in this graveyard yurt with dog ghosts and his residue everywhere and cannot think as clearly as I might about where this would be in the USA…and so do you have any intuition or insight on this? I don’t want to be in this dead cell but I’ll stay as long as I need to…I have to get Kali out of storage in NY. I now have an EXQUISITE CRYSTAL TARA. And the mother light calls…but from where…how to start, what to do…I want out of past associations that confine and demean me …and it’s a big deal. The emptiness that it’s all built around. The fact that nobody really cares and never really did. I’m just sitting here, in limbo…went to the river, sat in the sun, felt depressed and anxious, felt free and lost, felt old and worthless, felt nothing. Felt like writing to you. Felt like it’s all a waste of time and yet somehow I’m still alive. Many think everyone loves and supports me, it’s such a sweet and high minded gesture…and I know many do and have humbled me with their generosity and kindness….but mostly my worth is in connection to this monster I’ve created that took over my life. Yes it was sincere and true and yes Bhagavan Das is very powerfully special but the show biz part and the tiring pitiful low-grade glamour is too much, the burden of the dark weight that almost killed me twice. My life must mean more than that burden. This entire occurrence by the way was totally beyond my control. This thing became someone else overnight…and he knows it I told him and so believe me “he” knows it. But he is doing his monster thing, whatever was going on deep inside has risen and demands reckoning, I knew it. The little girl wasp grabbed his wrist long ago. “Don’t forget me.” She said. I always reminded him, but he didn’t seem to care. He pretends it’s because of me but he knows what he did, we both know whose in there…I don’t know if I should post this but I might. He’ll read it and he still won’t care, maybe you won’t come to the retreat but you should. We are soul friends forever, I love him, he is a 100% sincere Gid loving person unlike any other I have ever mer and his song is in my heart. Either way I’m getting this out there, I think so. He would want that even though he’s denying my words by ignoring them…and I’ll post it so that everyone can just dump me right now if that’s the plan and get it over with just like that. “She’s so awful, he’s so holy.” That would be helpful just like Osho said. It’s better they don’t think much of you and therefore nothing is expected. I like that position. You don’t know my life at all. I am a private and secretive person, it seems like I reveal all but I hide everything, that’s the truth. But sometimes I unleash unruly things because I must, it’s mysterious and destructive and I am not in control. It may seem reckless but it’s all written in the wisdom of the stars. How to find peace, to create out of your own dying a new life. I have always been sincere and held my integrity as humanly as possible no matter how I was degraded. I am not a hypocrite. I intensely practice what I preach and so I destroyed what was already dying. It’s called mercy killing. And so here I sit listening to a trickling creek on the first warm day since I returned to the past on Friday. I have no ambition, no enthusiasm, no direction, no nothing to move me away from the crypt. And yet move soon I must as these old voices are disturbing. It’s getting late…the daylight is fading…as I write these words a shadow jumps in my lap…I’m ok…I hear a bird making noises far away and I wish it were me…somehow redemption is at hand…because I won’t back down. Sharada Devi

39 thoughts on “because I won’t back down”

  1. I love this song. It is very special to me because my brother said it made him think of me during a time when I was suicidal.
    “Well I know what’s right”
    “It’s written in the wisdom of the stars.”
    Thank god. Post it.

    1. I hope we never back down and only kill
      the right things and I hope we say the right words that are helpful and not harmful and i hope we all enter the Mother Light once the ash falls and we see the entrance. Only then will we know who we are, how we didn’t turn away no matter the fear, how our love didn’t have to make sense to anyone. Because I do what I have to do to be heard in this loud
      glaring light of maya. Never choose her image again…hearts get broken…but in war we move because we must into the fire of her eyes…and hurt and pain are like the sun and the moon, just the way it is here.
      So I try to find in the midst of it all, the pierce of her body in mine beyond flesh…and I say it out loud no matter who may not love me, because here- the truth kills, but the lie hurts endlessly. This light is not youthful, this light is ancient. We want what we are and we go where we’ve been. Nobody can stop what’s been started, so beware. Her eyes are everywhere.
      Inside and out.

      1. Easy, lucky, free,
        The truth sent, for me-
        If the gospel trickle, isn’t enough, eyes turn to fire, broken child, dark knight, ash to sun. Beginning of ageless time. Sound of god, widow on top. Laugh after the death. Willing to kill is the one
        Beautiful writing, as always- beautiful voice, I’m listening

          1. surrender to the turbulence. surrender white dove to the black cloud. he covers me in silence. he doesn’t move at all. storm above me looking down. i am a bird, i would like to be a bird. underneath a black storm cloud filled with thunder. his golden face. his golden body. the way the magnet moves. a thread of lightening, the bird is struck.

            “through me is the only way.”

            Broken.Hallelujah.Lifted.

            “you are my wings birdlight.”

          2. Don’t be a fool
            Keep your ears open
            Don’t always keep your mouth shut
            When the rain falls, know you got somewhere to go.
            My bird was meant to sing
            A freedom song, in the middle of the daylight.
            Not for the sake of anything but the space it takes to be a man. The low ground, calling home way, that you can’t escape the mother’s light. And so you go back out. A little darker, a little quiter, for what’s coming through your eyes, this time, has a beat, and a heart, all its own. Birdsong, cliff flight, remaining silence.

          3. my bird was meant to sing
            a freedom song
            in the middle of the rain…
            from inside the earth
            the rain is heard
            the song of tears
            that feeds her heart…
            beneath the roots
            it’s an even deeper
            pain that sings
            the earth alive…
            no man has touched
            what isn’t his…

            https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WgBbJKiRxmc

          4. I like your version better.
            Of me, the whole story.
            A rusty lock and it’s shiny key.
            Cruel, I see light as the sun rises.
            Because I know what happens next…
            I see the light is wicked.
            And I laugh as I am because you,
            sunshine are like that. Shiny.

          5. That’s funny.
            Truth waits in the dark
            With red eyes, a thousand times

            When surrender becomes more
            than a siren song

            Because the story goes on,
            “To the bottom, where you belong.”
            She says strong. Rocks break ships and oceans swallow men
            The night turns to day and we all rise again.

            Who laughs last, loud enough to be heard
            through the waves of becoming.
            In the opening between,
            time and make believe.

  2. You’re words have rung true for me many times I much appreciate you being so nice to me during Christmas.. and helping me with the ER worries 😂

    Just not sure if I will be able to do Shasta. I’m concerned about my future shelter, and have to really get on car work to keep the ship sailing.

    The yoga center sounds cool! I would love to be apart of that in whatever way I think.

    Stay warm and dry friend!! ❤️Buckley and Björk!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xDkBcvPkZVI

  3. Grieving can be a very difficult and lonely process. Thank you for sharing yours.
    I wish I could comfort you. Everything is sacred. Please treat yourself like the divine manifestation that you are. Thank you for the help and support you have offered us.

    1. Dear MAHADEV,
      Thank you. I won’t promote religious teachers on this blog so I edited your comment.

      Grieving. Everyone is grieving.
      You comfort me by loving yourself as deeply as possible and by being the divine manifestation that you are. Sacred is true, and I offer all who know me simply a place to cry.

      Sending you my endless love and thanks for
      your strength perseverance and pure wisdom.
      Love Sharada Devi

  4. “Waiting is, until fullness” – Robert Heinlein
    💠💠💠
    That’s the thing about limbo – it can be a temporary thing . An interim holding pattern.
    Like Heinlein might say, be patient until the situation is groked. In fullness.
    Sorry, i’ve been waiting since i was 17 to be able to say that to someone – and mean it.

    What is karmically due does reveal itself when the time is ripe.
    I have been sincerely asking Krishna to show me my karma unfolding. And He has been graciously making
    my blessings visible to me through others. By words and deeds.
    It makes my heart sing.
    Like ancient starlight shining brightly in midday.

    I wish it were a possibility for someone like yourself to create a spiritual community center.
    A space of heartfelt connection, a zone of compassion.
    A healing environment in this world of maya and illusion.
    Where like minded beings could come together and grow and evolve as much as humanly possible .
    On a regular basis . It could also be a REAL yoga studio. With teachings and pujas and music.
    I guess i am saying that i wish you were able to pull together that same environment that you spoke about creating in India. Like intimate retreats you wrote about. Though happening as more frequently recurring events.
    Not just retreats a few times a year. But a space for all of us lovers of the mother light to just be.
    You could do astrology reading. Have a small shop. Maybe serve juice or food that you cooked or baked.
    Since You have so many talents.
    Sorry, I might just be dreaming my prayers and ideas out loud. ( or typed out cyberly ).
    But isn’t that what we really all need.

    Ok, I’ll be more grounded…
    I always wondered if you are a seamstress. When I would watch the mother light satsang videos. I noticed that your clothes were uniquely designed and made with fabrics that aren’t often seen in most places of purchase.
    If indeed you are gifted in the art of sewing. There could be an opportunity for you to do professional seamstress work for holidays and celebrations or festivals. Or as personally commissioned and designed work.
    And sewing would allow you the ability to work in a private setting. Without having to deal with people in a face to face daily situation.
    Just a thought…
    ✨❤️

    1. I think your vision of the center is ideal and is exactly what I also have envisioned.
      My mother tried to teach me to sew, I wasn’t patient enough…I just buy clothes very selectively…the center- it’s just a matter of the pieces coming together if it’s the thing to do. Which, as far as productivity in relation to the world I can’t think of anything better. But time will tell. You’re right about the karma, nothing and no one can stop it…surrender that’s my life.

      PS- of course once or twice a year isn’t enough. But I guess if they think it is…
      then it is…and that’s most everyone – AT BEST. But maybe there’s a few more dedicated than that…that’s all it would take, to make magic I mean…🌙Moonfire🔥

      1. Yes, 🌙Moonfire🔥
        Set the night on fire with magical intention.
        I will put that image into practice with prayer and devotion.
        All my life, even as a child, i have been inclined towards finding that place that is true home.
        With pure love and God as the axis.
        So much trivial world drama keeps us all distracted from our innate course.
        We become lost, over and over again.
        A vacation setting get-away is not the answer.
        It’s sadhana- “a means of accomplishing something”.
        If i were a person of great wealth and ability, i would gladly offer what I had.
        We would not have these inborn aspirations if God did not expect more from us.
        🕉❤️

  5. Oh SharadaDevi,
    My heart is with you, my dearest. You are a beautiful divine soul and have taught me so much.
    Know that MY home is open to you…. It is just a simple small place, but you are MORE than welcome here, if you so desire.
    My heart grieves for that emptiness …the emptiness that I have felt so often in my own life.
    Love,
    CHandraMa

  6. Moonfire rising. I feel brighter. I think it’s gayatri or clearing the clutter in my life. I too am trying to be patient, as patient in this cycle as it will allow. It really is in allowance. We try our selves out. We mix and match all these things. And sometimes a person suprises us. Wow, “you can transform.” I awoke from my own dismantling like bats in the mud of a pickup truck. In the forest clearing the Light won. I just did not see her ever healing, but she has. For me it’s a miracle. I still have to sort it out though. Some believe oh you just do nothing and it all comes. Yes, we do need the silence. And we can tame the chittam with her lion or his palms. Some of us keep wanting to be more. I truly want to be more in my dharma. Maybe I am. I know I am in my karma alas (lol). I Am of service. You know they only see us as Light- different variations of Light. I want to be bright. I also think is it okay to desire all of this? Ehh I am human. This is my vessel. And I cry to her & Him in the night, and in the Light: I am yours. Om

    1. Beautiful tiger tamer, you see inside the lion. The heart is vast and roaring.
      Exquisite words and flow of grace.
      The forest, the river, the wild cats
      and you…flowers fall and night begins.
      Fire roars inside bright sun.
      Inside, all within, this love
      a crystal ball she watches…🌙

  7. Hair is excess of blood,
    This is one of the reasons why I told you that you have strong blood,
    The other reasons are more subtle and difficult to describe,
    But for the sake of expression I’ll give it a try,
    Blood is the physical representation of the yin energy,
    The balancing force of yang,
    No different than Sita Ram or Shiva Shakti,
    Associated with darkness, cold, contraction, earth, moon, feminine energies,
    Yin is like the wax for a candle ready to be lit,
    Because you have a naturally strong base of a candle,
    Or the soil of the earth which is ready to birth new life,
    If the fire of the yang you choose cannot counter balance your yin,
    It will overtake the flame like winters chill sucking the warmth from an improperly clothed body,
    I have faith in you and the flame you choose,
    Be it yoga center or whatever else,
    I only wish and ask that it be worthy of you,
    Otherwise you’ll risk overtaking the flower yet to bloom from your soil by excess water alone.
    This isn’t a lack of respect to your fire,
    Just a means of expressing tribute to your blood,
    The foundation for rebirth,
    Right at the peak of contraction is the explosion into expansion.
    Like the crushing force of earths pressure,
    Creating the slow expansion and growth of a crystal,
    I’m excited to see what happens next for you,
    Like watching great yin of the nights darkness,
    Dropping a shooting star like a flower from your forest.

    Maybe Portland would be a decent place for a center.

    1. Thank you for thinking about me. Sounds like I need more YANG!!! Or my wax will keep killing…destroying perfectly good FIRE
      MAYBE THIS IS A CASE OF JUST TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING!!!! ME- HAIR/BLOOD/BLOOD DRINKING DESIRE TOO MUCH FUEL FOR THE FIRE CAN SUCK I AGREE IT GOES NOWHERE AND THEY ALL THINK THEY HAVE THE BIG FLAME OR MAYBE IM JUST A BIG WAXY BLOOD EARTH MOON INSATIABLY UNQUENCHABLY SO DESTRUCTIVE I BASICALLY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ANY AND EVERYTHING SO THAT EVEN MY VERY OWN LITTLE FLOWER BLOSSOM CANT HATCH SOUNDS LIKE A CASE OF TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING MEANING ME THE FATE OF THE FEMININE POWER TOO POWERFUL TO FIND A FLAME WHO CAN SURVIVE BUT PERHAPS MAYBE SOMEDAY BUT YOU KNOW THE THEORY ON FATE DONT YOU YES I KNOW YOU KNOW I LIKE THE MOON AND THE NIGHT BUT THE FIRE WELL IT BRINGS LIFE TO THE CORPSE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHAT ABOUT THE THEORY OF DESIRING DESIRE WITH NO OTHER PURPOSE BUT DESIRE TO BE AN ENDLESS WRATHFUL ALL DEVOURING FLAME I THINK THATS WHAT THIS WAX OVERLOAD MIGHT BE ALL ABOUT IF IM HONEST WHICH I AM IT LITERALLY SUCKS BEING ME AND ALSO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE IS WHAT IM HEARING BECAUSE WHILE WAX EATS A FLAME A FLAME KIND OF SUCKS THE WAX AND THERE ARE DEFINITELY SEXUAL (almost homosexual which personally I am not) CONNOTATIONS THERE WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK I MAY BE HEADED FOR A LONG WIND…YOU HEAR ME DONT YOU…BLUE FLAME ALIVE AND YET NOT.😟🤔😥 dark howling wind, my dead body song

    2. Also, how do you recommend I deal with this?
      Would hair indicate a man’s flame or his wax? Or both…??? (IF you know what I mean.😎) What about curly or straight? I’ve often pondered those things…like what does it say about the follicles, I have curly hair. Wildly curly to be blunt. I appreciate your wisdom it’s interesting and makes def sense!

      Should curly/straight even get together at all plus what about color- ??? that would seem more important than we may realize…and besides blood and sustainability what about other body parts…seems like it’s important to discuss considering the sexual- albeit subtle overtones…which is what I’m all about!
      Maybe it’s because I’m a little forlorn in a way…the too much wax thing POPPING UP again! YOURE SMART AND WISE. Insight.
      I like Portland, it could work… aren’t you going back to Maryland though 😟🤔😥
      burn burn burn…now my mind is clear on what’s the fucking problem for my ENTIRE life…thank you!

      I think me and you both have good hair.

      P.S. and I know this is about blood and the story of my life…and on a certain level would flame=penis in more ways than one?

      1. Curly hair again indicates strong yin atleast in a Chinese medical way,
        Black being the color of yin also associates with kidneys the root of the body,
        Like a frequency colors are important,
        Red represents fire and the heart,
        Anyways; there are sexual under or overtones that can be taken from yin yang for sure,
        You’re not imbalanced, internally,
        I just meant externally,
        If you feel constrained and retracted deeply,
        The inner qualities can shine forth and grow quickly if placed with the right flame,
        The right passion, desire, whatever,
        Yang could relate to penis for sure,
        Or the sun,
        It is what you make it fundamentally,
        Like all things 🙂

        1. AMEN! You can say that again AWESOME JUSTIN!
          It is what I AM going to make it 🔥
          ALL ONE NAMASTE 🙏
          I FEEL YANG IS THAT MY YIN JUST BEING LONELY
          AND THUS OVERCOMPENSATING? 💋I’m guessing YES! God help me SHINE☀️ Or find one that is! Sun. You read my story I’m guessing in more ways than ONE. The White Horse…hot and yet cool…super cool like me🌙

          you’re cute and funny and smart. 😻
          OMmmmm

          1. Yin is yang in hiding,
            Yang is yin expressed,
            Like a seed is the potentiality of a tree,
            Or a bud is the yin not yet revealing the flower bloom of yang,
            Ever changing between the two we dance,
            Maybe some things catalyze the bloom quicker than others,
            Maybe speed isn’t the most important quality,
            Rather the power that’s still in the seed,
            Flowers can bloom quickly but pass quickly as well,
            Beautiful but not quite as stable as a redwood,
            Redwoods take a little time to come to expansion of their nature,
            But when they do there lies the most external

            Enjoy your week. I still listen to you and Baba everyday. JAI

  8. May I be so bold as to ask – Are You now living in a yurt? I once stayed in one for a weekend while helping with a benefit concert at Esalen. It was really spacious. I always thought that it would be a more economical way to solve a housing situation. If I ever happened to be in a circumstance of having some land. I had an idea of individual yurts linked together by some kind of hallway connections, creating a more house like structure. I lived in a tipi for a while, the yurt was more open, less confined. But no smoke flaps to allow for a fireplace. So I wonder how you would keep a yurt heated. They must be water proof to be able to live dry in Oregon. Maybe You could set up a community of yurts and be able to do small retreats – back to basic primitive gatherings. Me and my curious mind always conjuring up ideas…
    Just thought I’d ask.

    1. Radhe,
      I have a friend whose yurt has a wood burning stove. It’s lovely. There is a hole cut in the top…however they did it was safe, to “code” I am sure. Anyway…plus, there can be electricity in a yurt. Portable heaters work fine…
      Hope to see you in June!
      Hugs,
      C-ma

  9. Hi Sharada Devi,
    Hang in there!!! I found inspiration from your YouTube videos; I hope you keep doing them by yourself, I miss your sage wisdom and advice.. I’d totally attend a women’s retreat or a type of yoga/Ayurvedic retreat you do on your own. I admire how you’ve followed your heart. I was wondering where you brought your dogs? I have four small dogs myself, so I felt sad when you separated from them. They were so cute!
    Sending prayers your way!
    Sat Nam from Minneapolis,
    Darcy

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