aching my baby

The water of an endless brahma was before me and as I looked toward the west at the red sun setting -the sky suddenly pulsed and turned to black fury -and there wasn’t anything left but my deepest feelings -and I heard a rumble from the yawning core upon which I seemed to stand -and the sky lit up from a shining black to a pearly silver as lightening struck the shivering water and the sky split open between the sun and the moon as they touched and then vanished before me….and I was just reacting as any useless and undetermined captive would – and I saw through the dark a glowing, metallic spectrum of many shaded wings- spreading over the earth above me and worn by a creature too large yet to see. And I saw dagger-like splinters shooting up from the water, like slivers of wavering glass being pulled from earth’s all seeing eye-weapons reaching to the one who opened the earth… I knew I could reach inside as if the meaning was suddenly clear and somehow I understood HIS “reckoning”-the cloak of wings untinged by my submission. I can’t explain it, but let me just say, that I would never leave you here alone…

and then I heard a loud bang as SHE, “his other virtue,” rose from the water’s horizon with the sun masking the moon behind her flaming body -and as lightening flashed from her tapering fingertips I heard the clicking metronome of time bow down beneath her obvious reign. She was immensely large and mostly invisible but for the flames that surrounded her quickening light. A primal mass of electrifying and spacious nothingness, a looming shimmer too bright to see and somehow, each their own tether to me, made the swelling water rise into reckless waves and the uncertain ground became like a funnel-an unforgiving and uninterested purging from the source- the sheer undertow of it’s heaving was sucking the marrow from my bones-so I climbed to the top of this stranger being before me in the form of a ragged mountain- and I leaned into the end of my loneliness -and I gave myself to the exacting source of this volcanic inflection -I threw myself into the wrath of the one I love so much- who left me somehow and yet never went at all…

AS I HAVE DECLARED MYSELF TO BE A HELTER- SKELTER SACRIFICE TO THE ROARING HEART OF AN EXPECTING GOD. THE HELL FIRE BRIDE OF RETRACTION. AND BY THAT I MEAN I WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOU BACK. INSIDE THE RIND OF THE THING THAT GREW FROM US SO LONG AGO- THE WASTED SACRIFICE, THE BARREN HARVEST AND THE FERTILE FEAST.

Maybe we’ve grown too large to see either way.

The fire beings don’t ever sleep- and the rock beings lie beneath them yearning for heat -and the water beings give their sustenance to the air- and the air hides the chasm he arises from -and the lightening spooks the charnel ground back to sleep inside the memory of the fire.

The bones didn’t burn but everything else did-and so I’m not misunderstanding that I must transform the whipping serpent into the bony whale- and so I fell from the brink into the wrathful savior’s mouth of lava to incinerate myself for good- upon the tongue that never moves -until his rendered life is both my shadow and my light in this quixotic, phantom world.

I cannot believe you’re still waiting. It’s time to enter the portal’s opening upon a sequence of rolling blue pearls into the beautiful place we’ve made, somewhere else, because of this, far far away from here….

You do know that I’m not making any of this up? The resonance is accelerating and the veil is rapidly wearing away. My knuckles are bloody and skinless. My nails are torn from my clawing desperate hands. I can’t breath and my ears are filled with a ring of ungodly noise. I realize that I have been buried alive at the passing of the worlds…

and so I can only close my eyes….

and now a cruel ice is starting to fall from the opened white sky and there are a million blackbirds above me forming a semblance of shapes resembling letters into a sentence that reads, “They took us and it didn’t mean a thing” and then the birds screeched in unison as they burst into flames-the many sky fires becoming her shining, yet still unseen face -and their ash floated down to the earth as a smoky cloud of confusing emptiness and hurting sound- and I instantly became translucent and started to woefully cry…”Why have you forsaken me”

I could hear the soft rustle of his otherworldly feathers- but I was blinded by an impostor light so that I could never see his miraculous face…

into these depths, I fell as flesh, the idea of death isn’t death, he’s still waiting. So inside the walls of this volcano I lie like a stone…feeling her fire and listening…

“I give myself to you whoever you are.”

I open my eyes. I live in a fantasy world. I make up stories to give my heart a home…

and at night I lie in my bed remembering as the hours pass everything we left and could never have…all the ways in which we choked upon the passing of ourselves…a long tail moving without eyes to guide…and there is only the remnant of dreams turned to ash upon the ground I forged as I drove so many stakes into this old earth to hang my leftover selves from…a waving white flag gently sways in the dark room above my bed where I lay, searching the memories and waiting for a familiar light that never seems to come…who is the substance that lies within the mass of something clearly failing….someone beneath the tangled sheets doesn’t see the sky outside of the box that I hide her inside, only an ever lowering ceiling made by my  forgetting hands. And I know that I am already inside the volcanic tomb pretending I’ve done something large…something bigger and better than this body could forage…this mind turning upon its own creation as if a child could ever survive such betrayal. I lie here remembering, thinking it’s real, everything I say to you…I am inside the night turning madness into a caressing terror…

“She’s just outside your window child” who I hung and yet waited for…

“He’s not dead yet my heavenly mother” the one you gave away…

“I take you where the sun doesn’t shine” but I don’t think i could ever go…

“But he moves rocks and lifts mountains” I climbed him once and fell inside…

“My surface is covered with holes” I don’t want to go down…

“Let me lift you into the stars” I can’t get out…

“Maybe not ever” I am eclipsed between a rock and a hard place.

I could laugh or I could cry, my tears change direction with the slightest of winds. Bhagavan Das, however, laughs about everything, even when I’m mean and semi-vicious he is kind and jovial and always laughing-plus my dogs love happy tears…

and so I’ve been thinking about all this, putting the evidence wisely together inside my kaleidoscopic skull of no arrival-contradictions, and I just want to say,

Everything is A o.k.

Because a smile is just a frown turned upside down!

aching my baby,
I love you.
Sharada Devi

 

 

9 thoughts on “aching my baby”

  1. I inhale HER BREATH OF WIND from out of the spiral shell. Flowing like liquid fire she comes out to take us in. She sails on words of worlds that open the dome of heaven in one great electric pulse. Carry me in deeper into waves of no thought, into the pure feeling tone of devotion. Lion rider, she is the holder of the skull cup who is drinking the blood of the saints. The wisdom blood that flows blissfully into her as the sea is then born inside the whale’s lonely earth song. Singing the big tone, vibrating we float upon the tiny lotus as her window flower, looking out into her crazy zone of AHHHH. Could it be? Just being and being…I heard her once say, “beware of the mouth of more.” Why not just enough of here? Not even yet? Is this not simply her endless world of disappearing foam?

    Waves of beckoning light, she is sending smoke signals to you in the sky. When Little joe would talk to the God the Eagle, the wind would come on strong. Let the wind carry you home. Where are we going anyway? What do we want?

    MA and PA shine on from blistering head to bleating heart and yet always just a beat away from here…..to…..now.
    old man in the rain, Bhagavan Das

    1. i am here
      floating
      with you
      in the exquisite flow
      not knowing
      upstream
      from down
      on a river of
      pelting
      blue pearls
      awaiting
      the inevitable
      beauty
      or
      exquisite
      demise
      of the next bold step
      into infinity.
      please give me
      freedom from guilt
      and the gift of motivation
      🌀🌀🌀
      with mouth closed
      ears to hear
      fingerers untyped
      and eyes open
      : (
      &
      : )
      💚

      more was wanted 2 B said but later winds can blow …

      1. Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
        I don’t even remember writing this!!!
        YIKES!
        Now I’m sleep-writing…
        Doesn’t Prince have a song that says ” I was dreamin when I wrote this…”
        I woke up and thought I had dreamt of a green heart.
        Hahahahaha!!!

  2. There are no easy answers. Trade in crow wings for arms and hands to hold the shoulders of Jucha the one who holds the world at the table. I am blinded by wisdom. guide my bear feet.Trust the instinct of a natural cat who hunts the greatest ha

    1. I really like this…arms for wings
      and a mind for a heart…some price
      for the grim process of the reaper at
      large and in charge of the winds…

  3. Thank you mother. Forgotten magical child. she slipped through my fingers. blinded by a sunbeam. Still holding the key. I’ve wanted to let you out for years and show you, the truth lies at the bottom of the ocean. Tomorrow is your birthday. Bleeding sky; dies, dives, and the planet changes with you, Pisces blue.

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