a spark of something genuine

Please stop sending me personal emails.
You can all post on the blog when relevant.
Your personal problems are not my business. Stop being so self centered.
I offer Skype sessions and there is a fee.
There should be far more respect given to my time and efforts. It’s really awful this thing you all call love. It’s not love at all. It’s selfishness and mass delusion. Way beyond my imagination. I can find no inspiration in such a heap of narcissism and ego masturbation. You think you are so special that you can disrespect my boundaries so that you can take as much as possible? It’s not enough that I write the blog free of charge? I’m not looking for a career or friends or fans. You think we’re friends and you’re beyond posting on the blog? Instead you write me emails about yourself and your problems while I’m trying to heal from being in the hospital for nearly a month? Do you have any idea how much pain I’m in? Can’t you stop thinking about yourself ever? You ask me how can you help? You tell me you love me?
Really? And you believe that?
What have you done to show me any love or even common decency? Some of you are downright obnoxious. So arrogant and with such inflated ideas about yourselves. I don’t have the time, energy or desire to even begin to help you.
And I said it over and over. You stay where you are. You fantasize. You just do your thing ok?

So I write the blog and my expectations are very low as far as truly helping anyone. I’ve seen it all.
You don’t want to help me. It’s an absolute lie.
All of you – I get so many emails every day- and most of these people read the blog and then send personal emails- probably because they need to feel “special” to me- but you’re not. Honestly, to me you’re just another deluded ego maniac that will never listen. So I stop wasting time and I just “be nice” but it seems whatever I do is a waste of time. Bhagavan Das brought me flowers every day in the hospital. He was so disgusted and upset that you all email and send cyber flowers and letters saying “what can I do. I love you so much Sharada Devi” and he was so shocked that not one of you sent a card of any flowers to the hospital. I didn’t care because like I said, I don’t expect much. Sadly, he’s still hopeful one sincere person will come along one day. But they never do.
All I need to do is be honest once and you’ll be out the door, believe me- you don’t want to know what I think about you and your situation and what you’re not doing and what a deluded mess you are in.
You don’t have to read the blog. I don’t care. It’s not like I’m supporting myself with it- considering hundreds of people read if daily and maybe I’ll receive a couple donations per month – a grand total of $20 or so…
and that’s not enough- you want more. You want therapy. You want to be special. Well being selfish isn’t special, it’s typical and it’s boring.

I just cannot believe this losing battle. Such a sad state of affairs. So grim. And if I’m not new age enough for you and if you are disappointed I won’t go into your make believe world where you throw the word love around like its candy. Seriously, love- it’s just a horrible word with no meaning left at all.

Action is everything. Action involving sacrifice.
We give and give and give when it’s hard, not easy. So stop telling me you love me and asking what you can do because it’s a lonely place to be…watching all your lies collapse around me.
There are a lot of you. I don’t care if you like me.

I would be happy if I could find one real person in this world besides Bhagavan Das who had even a spark of something genuine living in their hearts. Maybe one day, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Sharada Devi

16 thoughts on “a spark of something genuine”

  1. Om mani padme hum
    Om Namah shiva yah
    Om gam ganapata namaoh

    I’m just as special as everyone.
    Just like you are.
    I’m a sufferer like everyone.
    Just like you are…

    I’m on welfare in school full time and I sent as much $$ as I could I don’t have any more money for flowers or cards..

    We’re all suffering, and every mans burden is the heaviest

    I sent that personal emails not to make myself fell better, but because Im am ashamed of my life for the world to see and to clarify my shortcomings of communications.

    I try to donate my music to you and baba and the site and pay my subscriptions and I can’t imagine the pain your going through because I’ve never had a surgery. I try to put myself in your place and when I did I thought you would want to know that someone cares and you might want some music or some art to look at or an uplifting email.

    Everything I’ve ever wrote to you came from a sincere and genuine place. I’m not asking for help I’m letting you know where I am as a person because I was a fool to think we were friends..

    .. I’m still sorry and now more than ever. Feel better.

    Endless love
    No matter what

    “Love everybody
    Feed everybody
    Serve and remember God
    And tell the truth”


    1. Seriously- your wife’s doing crack off and on- you’ve got a child in the house with her-and your as deluded as ever. Wake up. Stop sending me crazy stupid talk I’m not interested.

      1. and I’m here with an open heart for my wife every time she falls.
        Like I should be..
        Sickness and health I worship and serve her.
        That’s delusional?
        wow.. Kick a person while they’re down..

        What’s delusional is to go out and shoot heroin or smoke crack because my wife is screwing up..
        What’s delusional is hurting people’s feelings when they didn’t ask for anything..
        What’s delusional is telling someone how much more worthless they are when they’re already hurting..

        I should just stay in my dark cave of relapse and recovery relapse and recovery while I’ve been sober for years just keeping all this stuff inside? (Sarcasm)
        Is this not a community satsang of MotherLight?
        MotherLight thats free to us all?
        We just have to go within?

        The reason why I let you know was not a need for your input.
        I told you so you would over stand my imbalanced comments last week.
        I’m hating myself right now, thanks for the encouragement and your TRUE care that there is a child in the house.

        Then you call the feelings from my heart crazy and stupid? Straight hurtful. If you were trying to project pain; you accomplished it.

        I pray you find peace and well recovery..
        Sincerely and respectfully,
        Thank you for your time.

        Jai Ma

        We all asked what we could do. Baba said send money. So I did. And this is the thanks. Holy mother light!

        1. You are arrogant and naive and should not
          be with a drug addict. The child is more important than your codependency. If you hate yourself that’s your problem.
          Wake up. Grow up. Get real.
          I’ll do whatever it takes. Sometimes the truth hurts and that’s meaningful.
          Stop being a fool, that’s all I’m
          saying. I want nothing from you and I never did.

          1. Someone needs to get that little girl out of that house. Do you have any idea the danger you put her in? Selfish. Your wife doesn’t need your enabling. She needs to get it together. As long as you enable, she’ll continue. The state takes children from drug users. And you shouldn’t be so stupid to think the possibility doesn’t exist that you won’t use again with her influence upon you.
            You need some serious help and music isn’t even in the picture at this point. Get out, take the child and get a job to support yourself so you aren’t on welfare. Then maybe you’ll find a way to love yourself again.

  2. I’m not writing this to sound special.
    When you posted that You were in a Hospital in Portland and described what You could
    see outside your window, I asked a friend of mine who lives in Portland what hospital that might be.
    She gave me the name Oregon Health & Science University Hospital.
    I called but was not sure of what name You were using there.
    I asked if there was a patient named Michelle Riggs there but was told no.
    Then I did not want to be pushy or invasive so did not try to pursue further asking about different names.
    Wanted to send a Blue Medicine Buddha card but I thought that You might think that was too materialistic.
    Did not want to continue to bother You or Baba with emails and asking questions.
    So i did send flowers to You. The best way I could think of.
    If I could have brought them in person or delivered them, that would have been done.
    Even thought of having my friend bring some to the hospital since She lives right there.
    The genuine sincerity was there.
    I should have tried harder.
    Sent as much of a donation as I could at the time.
    I do love You Sharada.
    Not for attention or to waste your time.
    You have touched my heart so deeply for many years now.
    Nothing will ever change that.
    I pray that Your recovery is progressing and that You are not in pain.

  3. This is the most genuine thing I’ve read in a long time. I was checking your blog bc of an email I got from BD. I was a fan many years ago and fell back into corporate life which suits me. I like it so not looking for any healing. I was just curious.

    I want nothing from you except peace and healing. This week I’m donating to you and may it help you. Don’t give up on mankind. Deep down you know it to be true. Even having BD is a blessing. May you find others too.


  4. Hey, please acept this invisible dot. Nobody will ever see it, but is there, somewhere in the space. Rest. No read, no write. Get well

  5. Great post. This is much better than the airy-fairy new age bullshit that usually passes for spiritualism these days. I don’t know you lady, but I wish you well on your journey.

  6. Sending a message of Love to you today as you have been on my mind.
    Praying that you are feeling more restored, healing and regaining strength.

    1. Feeling better every day.
      Thank you for your relentless love.
      Like the waves crashing against the shore
      endlessly returning -probably because the moon whispers in her sleep, “come back to me. I will always love you” and so this is the path of our earthbound love reaching for the mysterious light that dreams and beckons…I’ll be back soon my Mother Light.
      Sharada Devi

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