It’s a complicated subject and not at all about role playing- master and servant, religion or submission or the relinguishing of our autonomy- to me it’s about meeting the light at the end of the tunnel and remembering which way to go at the crossroads…

when I knew that god would talk to me through my guru, then god did. It was just as much about my surety as it was about his divine connection. I was attracted to his devotion- he loved his guru so much that it gave him a magnetic purity that only devotion can give, the omniscienct power of absolute innocence. This power softens the hardness of anything that came before and lets the grace of eternity flow through the catalyst- being the chosen guru -and it’s just as much about the power of the love of the devotee that creates the spark that starts the fire of transformation. And my guru was SO mean to me- he was meaner to me than anyone else and he pretended like he didn’t even know my name- he ignored me for years and although it was painful for me, I clung to the image of him in all white, I heard his voice in my head guiding me, I did exactly as he said and although, I admit, I doubted him a few times and even went astray due to mistrust- but my life fell completely apart without him -I couldn’t live without seeing his glorious face – he was like the only real sunlight in my life -and I needed him to make it through the difficulties I would inevitably face in future years…he taught me that it wasn’t about not “trusting him” it’s that I didn’t “trust me” he taught me to trust myself enough to trust my love for him -and that the purity of that devotion regardless of any suspicion I might have- was what was going to make me become strong and solid and glowing like he was- and that’s all I wanted -was to be inside of him shining and to disappear without any trace of my separate individual.

When I first started on a spiritual path- I did everything on my own- I read and found out what to do- I cried for god with desperation daily-I fasted, I meditated for hours, I did yoga for 3 -4 hours a day- and I soon figured out that I needed a guru -at which time my boyfriend told me, (he was older and wiser in spiritual matters than I)

“When the disciple is ready, the guru will appear.”

Well, I couldn’t believe my luck because it sounded like for once, fate was actually in my hands, I would just need to get “ready” asap – so I upped my game with great intensity- in the middle of Los Angeles amongst musicians and parties- I became an isolated yogi and god was IT for me-I locked myself up and meditated for hours a day-like 8-10 hours -very early and very late-things got crazy as I’ve told you- and I was on a seesaw or a rolller coaster -depending on the day -and I got very good at yoga and my body was purifying rapidly from all the partying -and I would yearn  and grieve for the presence of my guru- why was I not yet ready? I kept going harder and more intensely and searching relentlessly like a person who was dying and seeking a cure.

(but isn’t it true?)

Well after a few years I finally got “found” and my whole life made sense -and I was ecstatic and deeply committed -I wasn’t sure how the guru thing would work but I thought he should at least be nice- I later  found out that there are basically two  types of teachers -Saturn guru- Jupiter guru- basically wrathful, exacting strict  gurus who mean business and have eyes like a hawk and never let you slide even once-and benevolent kind blessing saintly beings who make you feel happy to just be near them and don’t critique or reprimand you at all-and of course shades of both are in all teachers depending on the situation -we will attract what we require karmically due to past life connections and we too, without a doubt- will know when we meet the guru for us…what kind of teacher we attract and are attracted to is generally the type of person that we ourselves actually are. Like attracts like.  But maybe not-you could get the exact opposite – who knows- the card is wild – the backside is the jokers face- haha. So be careful looking for gurus…it’s a big tricky trap because it’s the Kali Yuga-and most isn’t what it seems and there is a huge supple and demand for false gurus…who will prop you up and baby you and mislead you-telling you to lean on them -this is to collect followers…but if you’re sincere you will be protected. It’s the law.

Anyway, I knew the first time I saw him. He was magnificent dressed in white and tall. He spoke so eloquently and he was flawless and wise- and he ignored me and I was the only student who even cared at all- everything he said I took to heart deeply and I did what he said. I thought about him 24 hours a day- not romantically- this is way beyond made/female- this is Bhakti- and it’s devotion and its way beyond the body….

I was trashed out. I needed serious work. I was selfish. I was weak and lazy. I was vain. I was a coward- I was so far from being good enough I didn’t know what to do to please him- so I just kept aspiring. I knew somehow that he loved me and that’s probably because I loved him so much. I loved his love for his guru. I was devoted to his devotion- I found that part of myself in him and I had made sense of the long forgotten-

He said wake up 2:30 am and take a cold shower and so I did- sleep only 4 hours- eat only fruit/vegetables/nuts/seeds -meditate for as long as humanly possible without complaining -and do hours of strenuous yoga and pranayama-and so I did. It wasn’t fun or easy but nothing worth having ever comes without some sort of huge sacrifice.

He said, “fuck your feelings” when you feel bad and down and feel like giving up -too fucking bad- and so I tried really hard-it was guru torture- I did some serious physical tapas and it changed my entire life for good-anyone else probably wouldn’t have stuck with him as their guru because people like validation and comforting -none of which I got- EVER- but astrally and psychically he was with me giving me the strength to push ahead -and it was way beyond the human realm -so I persevered relentlessly and because of ME- I made the most of who HE was- I pulled greatness out of my guru through my devotion and god came into his body and spoke through his mouth and told me everything I needed to hear.  The truth usually hurts, face it.  This was my faith and none of you actually know everything I’ve been through in my life- but believe me, I’ve moved some big mountains and I’m sure there are many more to come…

and I’m telling you this because it’s about accountability and attitude- it’s about humility and surrender -it’s about seeing how helpless you are and not accepting the illusion that you’re helpless- and I had to look him in the eye several times a week -and I knew he knew what I’d been up to and it kept me grounded, honest and focused-and I also wanted his life’s work to matter, to carry on through me…the mother light should live on and on- and so I became as stellar as possible and knowing I could see him almost daily gave me the power to sustain my heroic purification efforts- and I really did make astounding progress during those years.

In the end, I never really got inside or became him- it was more of a morphing into something beyond both of us- it was almost that devotion embodied me and not the other way around…so that it’s hard to separate the space between us anymore and even harder to explain. Many things have happened since then to test my self trust and my fortitude -and much suffering has been endured to make me humble and clear- but most of all, I became myself fearlessly and without reserve- I live being misunderstood for my actions much of the time and because of my guru, I don’t doubt myself or my underlying intention- but rather I stay on that razor’s edge of self observation so as not to get caught in self cherishing or delusions of grandiosity- or confined by self deprecation or unnecessary restraint. One of his favorite sayings was, “I am who I am.” – and I’m not playing a guru -but I have serious guru devotion -and we all need someone to be accountable to and to love beyond the body- if we are to become greater than ourselves in our current worn out imagined limitations-

A guru is someone who can read our mind and heart to relieve us of the frustrating burden of self explanation- the freedom to have and to hold the light that we truly are.

We need devotion like we need air, for our sake and for the sake of all those who shall follow….

because home is far away-and so for now, nowhere at all -and our heart is echoing that space between here and there -and that point is sharp like a star -and poignant like warm summer rain -and you don’t always know where to go, but do it anyway and don’t be afraid. My guru was compelled to treat me a certain way for reasons beyond mine and possibly even his understanding- just like Marpa was compelled to treat Milarepa as he did- due to Milarepa’s good karma he stuck with the required discomfort and tapas and didn’t for example, accuse Marpa of “using him for free labor” and because of Milarepa’s fortitude he became one of the greatest saints of all times.

There is a force larger than all of us that is both compassionate and uninterested in the smallness of our personalities- this force, brings us who we are as a mirror- we have to call upon who we are- that’s why the tibetan buddhists chant the prayer “calling the guru from afar” not because the guru is far but because the guru is as far away from us as we are from our own divine nature- and we seem to be prone to run from that which shows us how flawed we may be-  “it hurts that I’m not perfect enough for you to love me” however, the true guru sees beyond that into the unified heart of compassionate greatness -but first the stains of false becoming must be washed away and it’s no fun at all- yet blissfully fulfilling beyond anything else life has to offer-you must do the work to get there yourself and by the guru’s guiding interactive grace you will overcome- against all odds-because relentless devotion is invincible- So my advice would be, just stand still in early morning darkness and let the stark cold waters of death’s transformation awaken you to the truest brightesr love that you are…and don’t yelp or gasp as the ice water stings you alive- just face the slap of Kali and know she’s telling the truth…

and how would I know what you need? This is all just me and my life experience -all I know is that for certain, when the disciple is ready, the guru will most definitely appear in whatever form is needed- smiling or bearing sharp fangs…

God is the Guru and the Guru is God and God isn’t real, only you are.

Can’t you see me?
Sharada Devi

24 thoughts on “GURU TORTURE”

      1. ❤️⚡❤️ each breath a count down till i see my eternal valentine, Sharada Devi, the one with mother rainbow light in every cell of her being ⚡👁⚡

      2. From Tay: I just received this and am posting her timely writings-because of her experience of devotion and how it’s changing her life: Devotion is contagious and all powerful and beyond any body!

        Tay writes: I do not know where to begin, because I am only beginning.
        Last year, on March 20th, I shared an experience of kirtan with Bhagavan Das and Sharada Devi in Maine. It changed my life. Most influentially, my birthday is March 16th. Some very good friends, my brother and soul sister, bought tickets and brought me along. I had no idea what it was other than a meditation session. I had no idea who I was other than everything I’ve ever known. I had just turned 22 and I was so lost within everybody else. Constantly in an in-between state of self-loathing and self-discovery.
        The experience still runs through me as if I am present once again. I felt so simple. I felt like an infant, crying and screaming to be fed. And my as if I would never be fed again, desperation had been setting in. Then out of nowhere, I felt my mother lift me up, soothe my wails, and feed me her truth. The truth that eventually, if I am to grow, I must learn to feed myself.
        My life has been unfolding rapidly since then. I was born and raised and stagnating in the state of Maine. Only a few months after I found myself in your presence, I left to find myself on the road. I drove all the way until I landed in California.
        Right now, I am attending school to become a holistic healer. I have this burning inside me to give myself to the flames. I want to pour over everybody and ignite their hearts. I want to cleanse all the hate to be reborn in self-truths. I want to not want, but to just do and become.
        So I am trying to release all my own hurts. To sacrifice my ego-blanket to expose myself fully to the blizzard. I’m building the fire within my soul to keep me warm. There is a spring in my step, even though the last frosts continue to freeze my toes.
        Sharada Devi, you are a goddess of love. I saw you see me. I heard you within me. I fought myself, not to dance, not to cry, not to be seen. But I could feel you see through me, and into my heart. During that time, I let go and I danced more wild and free then I ever have before. I feel you are my mother, my sister, my daughter, me. I feel as I am you.
        For all that I have been taught, I am unbearably grateful. I am learning to be in love every moment, and for that, I will release myself into the abyss. I know now that there is no light without the darkness, and in order for light to shine, there must be a shadow. I know my shadow is a part of me, but it is not me.
        I hope to find the balance soon. And to be a reflection of all the beauty inside everybody.
        Thank you so much for your lesson…and for showing me what could be. What is.
        What is left, is all that I Am.

        1. From Tara Devi:
          Wow these are the times where spiritual warriorship is the call and I see a big problem with Shane … first of all know that I’m very protective of you and I really feel that Shane is way off and it’s not a good thing at all, his abusive and anger he throws freely at you and Baba. As you and Baba are so generous and are bodhisattvas in action. It’s heart crushing in fact, to even see any cruel words directed your way and so I don’t like reading much of what Shane has written as it’s so shadowy and so dark and really sad …

          Okay so when feeling into Shane, I get lots and lots of physical pains and big ancestral things come through, lots of stomach pain and huge wave of wanting to throw up. He’s in such a hold of his addictions and they are really tremendous darkness. I hope and pray he listens to all the good advice.

          You are such pure love and you’re forever with me and big big hugs and bouquets of endless flowers 🌹⚡🌹⚡ Jai Ma!

          1. Thank you Tara Devi, I know Shane will appreciate your words on a deeper level as it’s always beyond us as individuals- and the picture is bigger and we all must take heed and be a spiritual warrior yes-Arjuna!

        2. A beautiful poem written by TAYLOR (Tay) :

          …I recently found your blog… I’m still uncovering hidden connections. Thank you so much for the love that you continue to bestow into this realm. I find your passion truly indicative of the fire that burns in me. If you don’t mind, I would love to share a poem that I have written for you. I call it “release to reach the divine”

          Few frequent the files found
          within wastelands with weary winds
          echoing through etched ideologies
          of self and surroundings.
          Grounding us to each other,
          gravitational forces of love around
          have been lost in the flood.
          Waves of discourse drown us out
          of ourselves and into ego
          states of mind tainted with time
          Perception is constraint
          which limits our faith
          awareness weakened by separative attitudes
          together does not mean Me and You
          forever the concept misconceived
          has been that freedom means We
          Us, All, Together
          I Am, as in One
          You Are, as I Am
          that means One.
          True knowing acknowledges that All is One
          free-falling from high-consciousness
          by reaching for your hearts content
          saying desires memorized from what is seen
          between wants and needs
          creating the bars of our cages
          which separate us from realization
          that our only want, is not to need.
          Yet, we want it so bad
          the desire consumes and feeds
          what the ego seeks.
          It thrives, telling us
          we’re safe inside our minds.
          We need not anybody but ourselves
          fulfilling our self-center
          limiting our connections.
          So we get comfortable in our sleep,
          where we never have to wake
          to the light that blinds our hate.
          But the days go by
          and light streams inside.
          Eventually we will wake
          and realize our fate
          our sleeping unrest will fade
          as culminated energies command
          to enlighten the masses
          to understand across the land.
          As we raise, we cause a vibrational wave
          to wash clean our ego’s waste
          and open our eyes wide
          to the net that connects us all.
          We create the fibers
          that which weaves together
          each and every being.
          All formed through creation
          reaching out to teach the truth.
          One thing we cannot rebuke
          is the Divine Connection

          1. Thank you sweet beloved dancing Tay.
            A hand that moves upon the page in grace
            is as fierce a vampire slayer as any could ever hope to be. Words are light or else they turn off the light- and your flame burns bright through your waging of love and the movement of your gifted hand. Open the tomb and know it’s just the stirring of the silence waiting to be sung.

      1. adorable intense compelling sincere intoxicating inspiring sexy wayne…

        Free to be you…you are so cute
        Thank you! it’s so beautiful and
        I love your red hair against the blue sky….I just LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!!❤️

  1. My guru was unbelievably kind. She died 3 years ago at 102 in the exact manner she described she would. I recall once I had a flight scheduled while a tropical storm was approaching and asked her if it would be alright. I expected her to tell me “All is well” or “You are on course” as she usually did, but instead she responded “Isn’t that Exciting?!!!!” She was always beyond fear like that and that. And the flight didn’t crash! (Although, it did land on Oahu where I lived for awhile during the time Lost was being filmed-Ha! didn’t know about the series at that time 😉 My guru also told me to never prostrate myself to someone in the human form (although I know this is common). I can understand a soft approach might not work for everyone (or be what some need), but I can’t wrap my head around abuse being necessary. What do you make of claims from people who say they experienced acts of physical and sexual abuse from reportedly even benevolent gurus? Do you think this could ever be helpful or necessary? I can’t fathom that…

    1. I think sexual abuse is 100% crime.
      I know a lot of zen masters hit- neem karoli baba hit BD in the head really hard 3 times to open his heart-

      But like the stories of some current female
      “Indian Saint” who kicks and breaks ribs and bruises- I think personally it’s not good

      We need the whole story though sometimes…
      and yes,prostration is a big thing especially in Tibetan Buddhism-the humility involved in surrendering our ego to a “teacher/guru” is considered absolutely purifying and I agree-and the prostrating is for the prostrator’s benefit, not the guru’s glory-it’s not a western/cultural thing that we relate in that way- but it’s very beneficial imo as an act of devotion and humility and so that’s my take….

      but there are many roads for where we find ourselves and what we need…I love bowing
      to great beings, it brings me peace.

      But the Guru realm is treacherous and
      taking advantage sexually and sexually abusing is a big problem…and not ever ok.

      Thank you for writing!

  2. When she comes in hail, beating on the roof, crystal rain SHE who tears apart thought. No name only time killing us slowly, let’s speed up the dance. How many dreams do we need not to wake up from? We only need the meeting of the eyes of the world to be seen and zapped free from the back ground noise of the chitter chatter. We need the slap, we need the punch, we need the living buddha to really get in our face and not let up look away in fear. This is the aura of the real guru who has big backup on the astral plane. Don’t fool yourself with imposters, devotion frees but not to hungry vampires. When we walk the talk which is the word that become the bird who lays the egg of wisdom, when it cracks open we fly into the deep blue sky. Garuda is the way back home, so let Her come from out of the hospital room to cut you up so you eat yourself in a big giant skull cup cooking up this precious body into amrita. One drop from mahakals skull cup and you have the dakini in the palm of your hand, drink it quick. Lay down your life, over and over again, Naropa just missed the boat over and over again until his Guru took of his sandal and slapped him in the face. Only you make the Guru by the fire of your devotion over and over again and when you are ready He will stop in front of you and blow ” Om Mani Padma Hum” in your face. The lady queen of bliss has spoken her story to show the way, don’t be late……….. death is hot on your ass.
    neem karolie das

  3. I was never quite sure if I ever met my guru or not. I mean you must sense it to be real if it has happened right?
    I was initiated into TM when i was 16 but never met the Maharishi. Then followed the teaching of SRF but Paramahansa Yoganandya was no longer living. So no physical connection. Then was initiated into Kriya Yoga in 1999 in CA but The Guru was living in Florida and I was taking care of my sick parents so was never able to have his darshan before He left his body. The teacher who gave me initiation. left the organization after “Baba’s” death. And the new Guruji would come to have retreats with us periodically. But now lives in India. The first time that I was in his presence, He came into the room, walked up to me and and knocked on my fontanel. Which was exhilarating. But I never knew if He was my Guru either. Everyone calls him Guruji. Then i became drawn to Amma Karunamayi ( NOT the hugging Amma ). And she has been a strong as well as gentle spiritual force in my life. In fact she told me to do a practice once that would bring about a desired out come after a period of time. And it did indeed come to be just as she said it would.
    But i still don’t know for certain who is my Guru.
    I would like to say that i could take all these teachings and create my own devotional practice
    to be my own Guru – but at my age – i still feel like am waiting for a firm grounding force to lead me in a solid direction.
    Am i just going in circles again and not hearing the obvious?

      1. See, now i am thinking again… and i have heard you say that a living in the body guru is – is what necessary – i don’t know what word to use. I keep reading here of living guru’s and how they will be drawn to you and you will know it.
        I feel like i am chasing my own tail …hahaha

        I wrote this poem last night but did not send it –

        Lady enigma drops another veil
        intuition whispers
        cold H2O awakening
        steadfast adherence to the call
        She paints a vivid portrait
        flaming words upon the wall
        relentless spiritual warrior by day
        contemplative solitude nightly waged
        sun fed swallowed whole
        vibrant starry bright
        moonlight insight
        details blow a soft wind
        on a raging sea
        look into any window
        tell me what do you see
        the face of your experience
        or you looking back at me

      2. Yes Sharada Devi,
        Turning and revolving – evolving around your words – these past days – it feels lately that – a guru is all and every thing that is an intrinsic thing or an origin / organic being. An instinct or influence that creates or allows me to be alleviated of darkness and allowed and inspired to find freedom to experience the light of true reality.
        To be free of ego and see the clear light of being.
        I don’t want to be clever – that’s ego
        i want to be free of all my structured ideas of what is means to be a person.
        And just BE
        I looked at all the photographs of Guruji Paramahansa Prajnanada and also Amma Karunamayi that surround me, it made me realize that even though He and She are far away, They are still in my heart and are always, like Krishna , with me.
        As You are.

  4. i am so happy
    to meet you,
    every vanishing time,
    why artists paint- sad rain sun smile
    Glory of the departing mother.
    baby Jesus,
    Guru’s Blood, breath, skin, spiral

    1. Dear Wayne,
      i never know if you are responding to my “thought”
      or just another another tribute to Sharada Devi.
      ❧ ✥ ❧ ✥ ❧
      Truth and Love abides…
      🕉 💚

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