It’s a complicated subject and not at all about role playing- master and servant, religion or submission or the relinguishing of our autonomy- to me it’s about meeting the light at the end of the tunnel and remembering which way to go at the crossroads…
when I knew that god would talk to me through my guru, then god did. It was just as much about my surety as it was about his divine connection. I was attracted to his devotion- he loved his guru so much that it gave him a magnetic purity that only devotion can give, the omniscienct power of absolute innocence. This power softens the hardness of anything that came before and lets the grace of eternity flow through the catalyst- being the chosen guru -and it’s just as much about the power of the love of the devotee that creates the spark that starts the fire of transformation. And my guru was SO mean to me- he was meaner to me than anyone else and he pretended like he didn’t even know my name- he ignored me for years and although it was painful for me, I clung to the image of him in all white, I heard his voice in my head guiding me, I did exactly as he said and although, I admit, I doubted him a few times and even went astray due to mistrust- but my life fell completely apart without him -I couldn’t live without seeing his glorious face – he was like the only real sunlight in my life -and I needed him to make it through the difficulties I would inevitably face in future years…he taught me that it wasn’t about not “trusting him” it’s that I didn’t “trust me” he taught me to trust myself enough to trust my love for him -and that the purity of that devotion regardless of any suspicion I might have- was what was going to make me become strong and solid and glowing like he was- and that’s all I wanted -was to be inside of him shining and to disappear without any trace of my separate individual.
When I first started on a spiritual path- I did everything on my own- I read and found out what to do- I cried for god with desperation daily-I fasted, I meditated for hours, I did yoga for 3 -4 hours a day- and I soon figured out that I needed a guru -at which time my boyfriend told me, (he was older and wiser in spiritual matters than I)
“When the disciple is ready, the guru will appear.”
Well, I couldn’t believe my luck because it sounded like for once, fate was actually in my hands, I would just need to get “ready” asap – so I upped my game with great intensity- in the middle of Los Angeles amongst musicians and parties- I became an isolated yogi and god was IT for me-I locked myself up and meditated for hours a day-like 8-10 hours -very early and very late-things got crazy as I’ve told you- and I was on a seesaw or a rolller coaster -depending on the day -and I got very good at yoga and my body was purifying rapidly from all the partying -and I would yearn and grieve for the presence of my guru- why was I not yet ready? I kept going harder and more intensely and searching relentlessly like a person who was dying and seeking a cure.
(but isn’t it true?)
Well after a few years I finally got “found” and my whole life made sense -and I was ecstatic and deeply committed -I wasn’t sure how the guru thing would work but I thought he should at least be nice- I later found out that there are basically two types of teachers -Saturn guru- Jupiter guru- basically wrathful, exacting strict gurus who mean business and have eyes like a hawk and never let you slide even once-and benevolent kind blessing saintly beings who make you feel happy to just be near them and don’t critique or reprimand you at all-and of course shades of both are in all teachers depending on the situation -we will attract what we require karmically due to past life connections and we too, without a doubt- will know when we meet the guru for us…what kind of teacher we attract and are attracted to is generally the type of person that we ourselves actually are. Like attracts like. But maybe not-you could get the exact opposite – who knows- the card is wild – the backside is the jokers face- haha. So be careful looking for gurus…it’s a big tricky trap because it’s the Kali Yuga-and most isn’t what it seems and there is a huge supple and demand for false gurus…who will prop you up and baby you and mislead you-telling you to lean on them -this is to collect followers…but if you’re sincere you will be protected. It’s the law.
Anyway, I knew the first time I saw him. He was magnificent dressed in white and tall. He spoke so eloquently and he was flawless and wise- and he ignored me and I was the only student who even cared at all- everything he said I took to heart deeply and I did what he said. I thought about him 24 hours a day- not romantically- this is way beyond made/female- this is Bhakti- and it’s devotion and its way beyond the body….
I was trashed out. I needed serious work. I was selfish. I was weak and lazy. I was vain. I was a coward- I was so far from being good enough I didn’t know what to do to please him- so I just kept aspiring. I knew somehow that he loved me and that’s probably because I loved him so much. I loved his love for his guru. I was devoted to his devotion- I found that part of myself in him and I had made sense of the long forgotten-
He said wake up 2:30 am and take a cold shower and so I did- sleep only 4 hours- eat only fruit/vegetables/nuts/seeds -meditate for as long as humanly possible without complaining -and do hours of strenuous yoga and pranayama-and so I did. It wasn’t fun or easy but nothing worth having ever comes without some sort of huge sacrifice.
He said, “fuck your feelings” when you feel bad and down and feel like giving up -too fucking bad- and so I tried really hard-it was guru torture- I did some serious physical tapas and it changed my entire life for good-anyone else probably wouldn’t have stuck with him as their guru because people like validation and comforting -none of which I got- EVER- but astrally and psychically he was with me giving me the strength to push ahead -and it was way beyond the human realm -so I persevered relentlessly and because of ME- I made the most of who HE was- I pulled greatness out of my guru through my devotion and god came into his body and spoke through his mouth and told me everything I needed to hear. The truth usually hurts, face it. This was my faith and none of you actually know everything I’ve been through in my life- but believe me, I’ve moved some big mountains and I’m sure there are many more to come…
and I’m telling you this because it’s about accountability and attitude- it’s about humility and surrender -it’s about seeing how helpless you are and not accepting the illusion that you’re helpless- and I had to look him in the eye several times a week -and I knew he knew what I’d been up to and it kept me grounded, honest and focused-and I also wanted his life’s work to matter, to carry on through me…the mother light should live on and on- and so I became as stellar as possible and knowing I could see him almost daily gave me the power to sustain my heroic purification efforts- and I really did make astounding progress during those years.
In the end, I never really got inside or became him- it was more of a morphing into something beyond both of us- it was almost that devotion embodied me and not the other way around…so that it’s hard to separate the space between us anymore and even harder to explain. Many things have happened since then to test my self trust and my fortitude -and much suffering has been endured to make me humble and clear- but most of all, I became myself fearlessly and without reserve- I live being misunderstood for my actions much of the time and because of my guru, I don’t doubt myself or my underlying intention- but rather I stay on that razor’s edge of self observation so as not to get caught in self cherishing or delusions of grandiosity- or confined by self deprecation or unnecessary restraint. One of his favorite sayings was, “I am who I am.” – and I’m not playing a guru -but I have serious guru devotion -and we all need someone to be accountable to and to love beyond the body- if we are to become greater than ourselves in our current worn out imagined limitations-
A guru is someone who can read our mind and heart to relieve us of the frustrating burden of self explanation- the freedom to have and to hold the light that we truly are.
We need devotion like we need air, for our sake and for the sake of all those who shall follow….
because home is far away-and so for now, nowhere at all -and our heart is echoing that space between here and there -and that point is sharp like a star -and poignant like warm summer rain -and you don’t always know where to go, but do it anyway and don’t be afraid. My guru was compelled to treat me a certain way for reasons beyond mine and possibly even his understanding- just like Marpa was compelled to treat Milarepa as he did- due to Milarepa’s good karma he stuck with the required discomfort and tapas and didn’t for example, accuse Marpa of “using him for free labor” and because of Milarepa’s fortitude he became one of the greatest saints of all times.
There is a force larger than all of us that is both compassionate and uninterested in the smallness of our personalities- this force, brings us who we are as a mirror- we have to call upon who we are- that’s why the tibetan buddhists chant the prayer “calling the guru from afar” not because the guru is far but because the guru is as far away from us as we are from our own divine nature- and we seem to be prone to run from that which shows us how flawed we may be- “it hurts that I’m not perfect enough for you to love me” however, the true guru sees beyond that into the unified heart of compassionate greatness -but first the stains of false becoming must be washed away and it’s no fun at all- yet blissfully fulfilling beyond anything else life has to offer-you must do the work to get there yourself and by the guru’s guiding interactive grace you will overcome- against all odds-because relentless devotion is invincible- So my advice would be, just stand still in early morning darkness and let the stark cold waters of death’s transformation awaken you to the truest brightesr love that you are…and don’t yelp or gasp as the ice water stings you alive- just face the slap of Kali and know she’s telling the truth…
and how would I know what you need? This is all just me and my life experience -all I know is that for certain, when the disciple is ready, the guru will most definitely appear in whatever form is needed- smiling or bearing sharp fangs…
God is the Guru and the Guru is God and God isn’t real, only you are.
Can’t you see me?