broken open by his hand and mouth

Heavy, I held what I could not change. Trying not to turn away from myself and the feelings it caused. His back, the back of his head. When someone is tired of someone else. I watch other people and wonder how they touch the things they cannot change. Like each other. Hand in hand silently walking down the street filled with them. What happens between them in the dark, where it always is. Festering waiting to burst. Like today. A cold fell from the sunny sky. Where can I go to leave this. Desperately I scrape the heat for answers.  I feel tired. I crawl inside this skin looking for a way out. My eyes feel soft. I don’t even know which one you are.  Under the blankets a body can feel like gold, a temporary shock of fortune. After that, the sun again can strike down cold and hard. Trapped in the light of another day, obeying. Dropping upon each other like quiet bombs. The saddest part of me lies here, together in this bed. Forsaken by god dreams and kisses. Broken open by his hand and mouth. Sharada Devi


38 thoughts on “broken open by his hand and mouth”

  1. rising
    because we keep going
    my heart is a flower, I will come down to
    where you grow.

    I want it all. to return, like a waterfall, so that I can quench your body
    and give my last breath.

    1. where do I grow
      what do you want to return
      like a waterfall

      I like the last two lines…

      “so that I can quench your body
      and give my last breath…”

  2. You told me to ignore them- BD Abby,Tom.
    but all this this info just keeps making it’s -self available…
    and my inquisitiveness takes a keen interest, because of you.
    because of what you write on the blog.
    Maybe you are just painting it all away
    as art, to release and let go.
    Maybe i am all wrong to let you know…
    maybe you already know all this..
    maybe i am misinterpreting…

    I can’t be a warrior if i am intimidated by fear…

    You wrote – “the story hasn’t ended”
    You just posted – ” what you don’t know will hurt you ” i took that as a sign…

    So i will go beyond doubt and hesitation
    and completely abandon the reference points of judgement on myself of considering telling you these things and labeling it “gossip”
    when it is actually out there publicly…

    -So BD is not scheduled for Shakti or Bhaktifest after all-
    BD at –
    House Of Yoga
    7:00 PM – 9:30 PM
    KIRTAN (chanting with his beloved Amulya and Tom Price on drums)
    Sunday, May 19, 2019

    FB post from
    March 10 ·

    Kirtan with Bhagavan Das at Heritage Hall in Maui
    Susie Ginalski Baba and Lila Kali! So sweet! So blessed! 💚🙏💚
    · Reply

    Amulya Bodden Susie Ginalski 😍 Wow you remember he gave me the name Lila Kali?!! My jaw just dropped good memory, you’re one of the few… mostly it’s held dearly in my heart but has come up again lately in conversation 😘♥️🧚‍♀️

    – You are mentioned in the flyer for this event at
    Bhakti Yoga Shala-
    Bhakti, Mantra, Nada Yoga and Dharma Workshop
    with Bhagavan Das
    Sunday, May 26th at 1pm
    Kirtan at 8pm

    From Bhagavan Das –

    “After a year of fasting, prayer and intense purification I met my Sat-Guru the Great Mahasiddha Neem Karoli Baba. I then lived with my Guru, side by side for many years. Then one day because of the tantric path that he seemed to know I must travel and the many karmic connections due to ripen, he sent me away. So I went towards Tibet to go deeper deeper and then beyond with the last living Yogis from high in the mountain peaks of Tibet and Nepal. It was also during this time in 1971 that I met Sharada Devi who, I believe was still living her last life as a Tibetan Yogini. She was very old then and I was very young but our connection I feel was a promise to come together again due to the Grace of Neem Karoli Baba. “

    Please set me straight if i am doing the wrong thing.


    1. Thank you anonymous for caring.

      I don’t keep up on what BD does. His engaging of this worldly guru game to the negligence of anything genuine- it’s scary and confusing to me. He talks of dharma and it’s just insanity. Nobody wants to hear me.
      So that’s all.

      For me, it isn’t and never was a show. He will take anyone and try to replace me, he doesn’t care and neither do the groupies-

      I have been doing this for a long time. The depth of my disappointment in him and others is something I have to face daily and make peace with. It’s just something I can’t change. I can only change me- and I can disengage from the lies of this god forsaken world.

  3. I can only change me- and I can disengage from the lies of this god forsaken world.


    The back of his head…is what got me. I remember going to bed and laying next to him, eight years and I was grossed out at the sight of him. I did not want to touch him. I felt so distant. Holding hands during the day and hating him before sleep at night. Such heavy cognitive dissonance. Gone now…but memories still haunt me. I am alone. I might remain this way.

    I am going to move, I think. I need to get away from all that I have become accustomed to here. I love what I do, but I can take care of pets anywhere.

    People try to suck me for things…helping them and always asking me the same questions. SO called “spiritual” people. I do not like that label, but this area is filled with “spiritual” folk, whatever that means.

    I just want to get back to nature and live where there are less people and less taxes. I am looking at Washington state.

    I stay in and am alone a lot (walking on the beach or in the forest)…am I retreating to avoid? I am asking myself lots of questions.

    I have choices and can go anywhere….so…my plan is in the next year or so, rent or buy a van and drive around checking places out….I turn 60 in Dec… I am loving my age.

  4. Truth is internal, real, honest and REAL. Who am I speaking to? ANYBODY who RELATES.

    Power to TRUTH.

  5. I can only change me. Yes. This is right. I will never back down from this truth. I am powerless over people places and things. The energy that moves is observer/observing as one thing if I let it be one thing “thinging.” Always.

    1. Powerless over people, places and things. Hmm…. Well, I can’t change THOSE, but I can do
      I have power to dis-engage with certain people. I have the power to move away from that which does not feel right. I have the power to leave.

      The world’s energy is strong…and it is so hard not to get sucked back to the crap that does not matter. I find myself engaging in stupid stuff without thought. Posting on FB or just talking bullshit small talk with people, wasting time.

      I admired Hari Baba Das….who did not speak for more than 50 years. He just passed away in September. He used to write things on a chalk board he carried.

  6. Yes we can disengage where it is necessary — and engage because of some dance that has to do with where we are at with ourselves. The disengagement happens because of something and the engagement happena because of something. I know. Rocket science. Excuse me. So unbelievable.
    It’s ongoing, this process of what is happening. And totally real and true unless we choose to live in such a fantasy world that doesn’t add to the reality but creates a distraction from reality. The power comes from the powerlessness that is then inherent in that false space we get into when we think we can change people. No. No way. Eff that shxt. If they want to change because of what we are able to provide for them then that is the attraction that has a purpose for what growth is going to come from that interaction.

  7. Just to live life and admire the beauty, while riding pain, is worth it all.
    Staying in my own business, minding my self, always going back to center, within.
    We are all in this cosmic soup called life.
    My best friend is a star who is always t(here), even though I cannot always see her.
    There is a planet that we both came from, and I know I will meet her when we both return.
    I am here observing and trying not to add to the mess that humans have accumulated here on this earth body.
    Daily, just going back, back to awareness, and the now-ness of each inhale and exhale.
    is life…..
    may all beings find happiness, peace, and joy,
    may all beings be free of suffering and the causes of suffering…
    and my all beings feel safe.
    Om Mani Padme Hum

  8. Beautiful, Chandra Ma. Thank you for your last comment. U an just an iesunart guy, a professional freelance classical cellist. I played in an orchestra that recorded for a major label. Have toured a pretty portion of the world, relatively speaking.

    I bought BD’s book “It’s here now (are you?) and during a period of my life when my search was not bring fulfilled by my career and life. I wanted to meet him. I did, in NYC, and hung out with him a bit. He even let me play cello, though understandably, I was to play at a low level while he did the kirtsn. Still, the while deal reminds me now of: 1. People are all too human 2. Things happen on a multiplicity of levels, and that is what is so weird and so clear and simultaneously rather mysterious 3. Things are never what we think they are 4. Speaking astrologically, which I tend to only want to do with those who relate to its “validity,” The planet Neptune reminds of the sometimes very fine line between the spiritual and the perplexingly deluded.

    I have been deluded myself. Spirituality as O see it nowadays is actually very ordinary. Ki d of like Zen. The magic thing us beautiful but also potentially disingenuous and it fools oneself and others — or at least it can.

    Here is to simplicity, clarity, heart, the thinking mind, and a healthy creativity.

  9. Yes! Here’s to simplicity, clarity, heart …and for ME…the NON thinking mind, healthy creativity, honesty and love!

    I love the cello. Are you still playing? Playing an instrument can be so meditative. I play the harmonium in the morning when I chant Om Mani Padme Hum….sometimes I lose myself completely. That is when it is the best!

  10. A migraine headache has happened. It keeps hanging on. Like a fire breathing dragon let lose inside my head, trying to find it’s way out either through my forehead or occiput. But it can’t find an exit route.
    Pain really sucks you in, to the exclusion of being able to focus on anything else. It really pulls you right into the moment. Being drawn in and having no alternative but to go through it.
    Makes me think of what you were saying last week or so about saturn.
    Eye of the needle stuff.
    Suffering really takes you in, closer to god. What else is there to do.
    Is this a form of tapas ? Another step on the path of purification. The next test on the agenda.
    ” trapped in the light of another day … scraping for answers ”
    When do we blow the sky open…
    I notice that you did not sign your name at the end of this blog post, like you usually do.
    I wonder if there is any significance to this.

    1. Not conscious significance.
      My identity is not sufficiently intact these days. It’s a disappearing reappearing phenomena.

      I’ll sign.

    2. Ugh….Radhe….I used to have MAJOR migraines. I feel for you. I would have to turn all the lights off, take a scorching hot bath with my head tilted all the way back so only my nose was out of the water. It was the ONLY thing that helped me relax. Then I would put ear plugs in and curl up up in a fetal position under an electric blanket pulling the back of my head/neck with one hand and the other on my fore head until I fell asleep. The pain was excruciating. None that I have ever felt before. I would throw up…and have the runs. After I retired from the Navy, the migraines disappeared. I have only had one or two since 2003.
      When the pain subsided, it was like a new life had been given to me….
      I just know that I had so much stress in my life…I think that the migraine headaches came from that stress. I wish you can find the cause and the relief. Sending you warm hugs and love.

  11. Must battle constant demonic force hovering above and below
    vulture like tallons ripping at every chakra
    error error, will not compute
    self destruct,
    where is my supernova samadhi that will smash this evil illusion?
    I crave and yearn for simplicity in an ever evolving web of modern accepted and organized chaos
    Kali yuga has been going on for a while, but this is not my time, it never was
    star seed or not, beam me back to your love!

  12. Chandra Ma, yes, am still playing. Cello has become beautiful. I’m really not only getting into the spiritual aspect of it but super into the craft of it, the slow practising that forms a great connection to it. I am classically trained so lots of Bach Mozart Brahms Prokofiev Stravinsky Strauss etc … But this summer I’ll be doing a jam in Virginia just for fun playing electric cello with rockers doing Allman Bros and Santana and Hendrix etc… It’s such a great feeling to “do” music and instrumental playing at a satisfactory level. Satisfactory meaning “hey, that sounds ALRIGHT.”

    Harmonium. Beautiful instrument. I know a woman on FB named Krishna Devi who plays it. Never met her in person. She’s up at an ashram in Monroe New York and I believe has made some recordings that kirtan peeps are into.

    May we start to create beauty in these troubled times that need our love, our compassion, our humour, and our grief. Om shanti. Namaste. 🌈❤

  13. “The mystic is swimming in the same water that the psychotic is drowning in.” – Joseph Campbell

    On the other hand, the mind can prove or disprove anything. Right? Always and potentially leaving one “fair game.”

  14. I meditate in my own way, on what confuses me, what I try to understand, what I don’t yet fully comprehend.
    Such as, why do I not agree with what goes on with fellow spiritual aspirants. Their behavior, ideas and actions. With the community of the ” like minded ” who all seem to be on the same page.
    I think about love and do I have to love everyone regardless of what they say and do.
    Otherwise I am not evolved and on the true path to being an advanced soul.
    And compassion, I have had this idea that it means about the same thing as love.
    But I looked it up in the dictionary and the definition was – compassion : sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
    Which kind of sounds like what Jesus was supposed to have said – ” forgive them for they know not what they do”.
    Everyone seems to be so ecstatically happy all the time with their spiritual practice. And here I am thinking how wonderful this life would be if it were all that simple and easy. Am I missing something?
    Or is content good enough.
    Is the solution to just turn off to everything?
    I know that I shouldn’t care so much about what goes on with other people in this world. Their actions and ideas.
    How does one find their way to be continuously kind in the face of disappointment.
    Throughout my life, everything that has appealed to me was either discontinued, cancelled or of little interest to others. I find myself always in the minority. And it really makes me wonder why that is. And is this aspect of my personality a liability that will cause me to incur more karmic debt rather than less.
    I read something recently that I think is an appropriate mantra for recent times.
    “ Slowing down any impulse is said to be the best way to begin. “
    Perhaps I should have chanted it before I proceeded to write this. LOL
    You have probably covered these topics many times already.
    But I bring it up away from the past and into the present.
    I also heard something the other day about keeping things in the present – “We can’t rightly talk about the future, if you think about it. We can only talk about what we imagine or wish for. It’s not the same thing. ”
    I ask because You seem to have your finger on the pulse of a unique wisdom that no one else ( that I have come across ) has tuned in to.
    Thank You.

    1. this is the world. it won’t change.
      it’s a testing ground. people are enmeshed in addiction to persona
      “spiritual people” as they feel labeled are the worst most ungrounded ego maniac hypocrites of all. Here, on earth.

      So don’t identify or project. Look at yourself and allow the grief and sadness for what seems “what could have been” but clearly isn’t permeate your heart. Look at your own lies as we all are buried in them. Look at you own prison and don’t deny or excuse. Let every hypocrite show you where you lie to yourself and let every half ass arrogant “yogi” show you where your own heart’s wisdom is stuck. We cannot make anyone truly care for the stillness and purity and we cannot say we ourselves are without these flaws as well. Best not to stoke fires that upset you.
      Best to set an example quietly all alone. To let go. Remember you’ll be dying soon and it’s useless dead weight. stop looking anywhere but st you. That’s resourceful and efficient.
      When we become strong and clear enough nothing bothers us anymore. Be thankful your weaknesses have been revealed. The truth is, everyone is doing their best within the capacity of their limited consciousness. They lie and fling pain carelessly because they are hurt and selfish. We all are to some extent.
      Look only at you, where it matters and stop overlooking what you don’t want to see about yourself. There is only you. Find peace and power in that truth.
      Embody compassion in this way. Don’t buy into distraction and leaser concerns. Give all to God as you find God to be/ in both the dark the light the silence and the loud. Be pure and high from the bottom up. Drop the stories of this world, they’re not true.

  15. Amen, Sharada Devi.
    That is another reason it is so important to be alone. The more I have been alone these past eight months, the more crap I am seeing in myself. I am also noticing how much I was living in the ego. I put myself above other so often, it makes me sick to think about what I have noticed. Sick, but okay with it because I am really seeing all the games I have been playing…and the stress that was added because of it. I keep asking myself questions, like why am I reacting or feeling angry or jealous or …whatever. I am not just seeking knowledge, but understanding. Understanding is the key to knowing WHO AM I? Getting clearer.
    I so get what you wrote Vega about “spiritual” folk. I am SO not into it. I started going to kirtans here in Santa Cruz, and I love them, but then leave without lots of chit chat after (or before). Everyone is SO into yoga now and the yoga that is going on does not call to me. I do some basic stretches/poses in my home, usually after my morning devotionals/chants. I just feel like it’s become “the thing” to do now. I have two friends here who I connect with “spiritually” and I m lucky to have these two souls in my life. I don’t see them often, but that’s okay…it’s still a deep true connection. I just keep going back to my cushion, in prayer and meditation and mantra. I just keep going back to journaling/writing/painting, and walks in nature…daily.
    Sharada Devi, you are real and raw, and that is what I love most about you. Mount Shasta two years ago, I broke open….attending your retreat was one of the best things that ever happened. I was lucky enough to be able to attend three of your Shasta retreats. And, I look forward to coming to Oregon for a personal retreat, when I can.
    Thank you, Om Mani Padme Hum

  16. I concur: thank you Sharada Devi! At first when I saw you, heard you, and read you, I thought “wow she seems so driven towards this whole ‘get real’ thing. Seems over the top. But the more I have thought about things, or better, meditated on them, and being part of this blog has been cool too, the more I see all the bullshit that I want to burn away from my own consciousness, what I see in the world (which is me, you, everyone connected as just this giant *isness*) as being something I am part of, as being this tremendous thing I need to remember that is NOT phony holy and something I can feel “special ” in but rather something that is wide open and free, this sky of mind, that bekons us to dwell in it without getting caught in anything other than just regular old total being within onesself.

  17. We get caught in relationship problems with others when we are looking outside of our own sphere of being real. Be real. Be real. BE REAL.

    Real means: balance, being human, not people pleasing, not necessarily going ape shxt and being an asshole because you were being a doormat or a people pleaser, do now you’ll show them. It means saying “this is my life” and allowing the possibility that someone may be thinking to themselves even more than you “this is my life” or they may be thinking “I don’t really have much of a life and you have one so can I lose mine in yours” or you might be thinking the same about them. There are conceivably alotta combinations to relationship dysfunctionality, which abounds in the mainstream world as well as the spiritual. Ultimately we decide what kind of vibes we want emphasised, and when they torture us it’s tough. We decide what is necessary to live with and what isn’t.

    Blah blah.

    Good night. May you find the power greater than what you think things are or people are: may you serve the power in you without EVER confusing yourself with the power. May you allow yourself to fxck up occasionally. May you be serious about how you want to celebrate life, and unconcerned with just how devoted you are.
    Blah blah blah. 🐼

  18. This may not be relevant at all so just saying. I think Krishna Das was at the Quaker worship I attended yesterday. Looked just like him and introduced himself as Jeff. Idk. Am I losing my mind argh

        1. when he is out in the world and introducing himself as Jeff,
          was he wearing different clothes? i mean – not the usual red t-shirt with red plaid flannel shirt ?
          disassociating with the KD persona.

  19. Seemed to know the guy sitting to his left. Sat right next to me. I was like woah this guy looks just like Krishna Das. May have known folks there because he already knew my name

  20. I checked with some one else who was there and it wasn’t the same Jeff. So false alarm lol this guy has written many books tho so who knows maybe manifestation of the same type spirit. On a different note I apologize that I didn’t make it to the most recent retreat. I had said I would last summer.

    1. i don’t see it as false. i was really happy all day that it was / might be really true. An alternate universe reality. Breaking out of the box of sameness. In a world of too much repetition.
      New acceptance of all things being one.
      If nothing else, the thought of Krishna Das wearing nice shoes made me smile.
      And that fact that you noticed that made me smile even more.😸
      So good to hear from you Sweet Friend Jesse. ❤️ (No pun / pun intended )
      And being re- awakened to the goodness of Quaker thought is inspirational.
      The Circle of Friends
      Thank you.
      Strange weirdness on a weird monday was a flight out of the mundane and an arrow back into a state of getting on with it…
      I had a strange dream this morning that kind of fell along the same lines but I did not want to distract from your ultra interesting story…
      *** btw – we all need to apologize for not making it to the most recent retreat***
      May God bless and love us all

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