howling in the twilight

He was just passing through and so never told her how long it would be until he returned- when he left her all alone in the big scary forest-because it wasn’t safe-because there were wolves and she might get bit or eaten. And he really kind of knew it wasn’t a good idea to leave her alone- because she loved wild animals and would feed them by hand. She wasn’t afraid of wolves but he knew -that’s just because she didn’t understand –

that sometimes, what you love could be dangerous- and who you love can bite you.

just maybe, who you love could be your killer in the final act.

But he did it anyway and she had no idea how long it would be until he returned. So she slept with the door open waiting for him with a candle lit in the window to guide him to her in case he returned in the dark. And the bats would fly around her bed while she slept and the wolves would lay just outside the front door.

She smelled so good. Who would be the first to get a bite out of her was the only question. But wolves are very patient- in case you didn’t know-and they like to plan things out well in advance.

She would leave meat on the porch for them every evening at dusk and as she put the meat on the ground she would sing softly to herself and didn’t really think anyone was listening..

It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
Everything is yours. I’m not afraid.
It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
It’s all for you…because I always knew,
yes, wolf in the dark, I love you too…

and this went on for awhile and He never returned- and still the candle burned for him in the window- and the wolves ate the meat -and there was this one wolf who kept watching her sleep-standing very still in the doorway, late in the night, his hearts thumping while she breathed.

And still she was never afraid -even when she woke up one night to find this big black wolf with green glowing eyes staring at her just a few inches from her soft dreamy face.

What do you want?


She just laid there staring into his green eyes, seeming to be transfixed by his glowing gaze. Intoxicated by her smell, he bent over and started to sniff her neck. She really did love animals and she knew he was just being himself.

Why aren’t you afraid?

She said nothing then -as she pulled back the blankets for him to get in the bed beside her.

he was delighted -like any dog would be- and growled as he jumped into the bed next to her.

She really should be very afraid.

He was big and dark and his body was steaming-but instead of fear, peacefully she began to sing the song into his ear while she caressed his animal head, in just the way that dogs love.

It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
Everything is yours. I’m not afraid.
It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
It’s all for you…because I always knew,
yes, wolf in the dark, I love you too…

and he started to lick her hand as she fell asleep. The next morning her hand was missing but she wasn’t afraid.

And he was still asleep in the bloody bed when she awoke and so she covered him up with her blanket-and went outside to feed the birds.

It was a sunny morning and singing birds filled the golden sky. He still hasn’t returned- but she was ok -and she just loved the animals and so never got lonely. She managed to stop the bleeding and as far as the pain, a little pain never hurt anyone.

It’s no sacrifice. No sacrifice at all.

She spent the day feeding the animals the deer, the raccoons, the bears- whoever was hungry
-she fed-and at dusk she put the meat on the ground for the wolves….and of course sang her song…

That night while the candle burned in the window, He came again -and this time- He got into bed without asking Her -and She didn’t say a word. She just gently pet his wolf head in the way that all dogs love and she sang her song softly into his ear..

It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
Everything is yours. I’m not afraid.
It’s yours. Take what you want from me.
It’s all for you…because I always knew,
yes, wolf in the dark, I love you too…

and during the night there was a lot of rustling and growling and gasping and groaning under the blankets in the bloodstained bed. She wasn’t afraid, just a little full, when she woke up the next morning to find both of their hearts missing, with only big holes in their chests-

he was still asleep, or maybe he was dead. I don’t know.

And she got up as usual and went out to feed the birds.
He just laid there while she walked out the door -humming to herself- with no fear at all- only a trail of blood behind her…

It’s no sacrifice. It’s no sacrifice at all.
I gave my heart to you…

————the end————

What I wouldn’t do for you is not the question.

What I would do for you is the question.

The candles still burning in my window for you.

because I always knew what I was doing-and I caught the wolf- he didn’t catch me- I fed the wolf-because I was hungry. She’s the tamer of the wolves and it takes skill and sacrifice.

No sacrifice. No dinner.

No deconstruction of the maze. It’s all just a haze while your wilting moon goes unnoticed.

Take it back.

Take back the light in his eyes so you can see again.

Because we will break and destroy each other for sure-we will wind and grind -and pull the plug. -and that’s obviously why we’re here- earthbound- cut in two- which means that we should eat as much as we can of me and of you -so that we don’t waste a drop of our blood on things that don’t matter-

like maybe there’s two?

Well there isn’t.

it’s heat and blood and One great mound of molten flesh-lava body- totally confused and disgusted with itself and this makes no sense at all-because we’ve been coming on to this wolf for lifetimes -and he should be our friend, our lover and our bloody valentine by now –

There’s so much denial- and fruitless flirting…

you, always in line at the party? what are you waiting for?

a wink or a war?

He’s standing in your doorway. He’s been watching you for years. He’s actually your pet- so be nice -and do something wicked for him so he knows that you care- that’s all I’m saying….

Love fearlessly and give the homeless beast everything that you are. Not just a dollar or a bag of rattly bones. I think you know what I’m saying by now…

How long do you think it took for him to hear you and to come standing in your lonely doorway?

A long time of roaming, sniffing and tracking looking for only you.
(it’s kind of impressive actually)

So pull back the blankets and get real. You know what you’re after. The experience of all experiences. Annihilation through the other. And until you do that, you’re just a mouse in the forest- not too bright and mostly just very neurotic and afraid.

It’s about the wolf eating your heart and nothing else really. It’s what everyone wants and I’m just saying it out loud. Without the honesty, nobody’s coming home no matter how many candles we light.

Don’t pretend to be someone that you’re not.

It’s a primal battle and a primitive affair between the feeder and the fed- and they can’t really be separated because they’re actually in love, eating in your bed..

(it’s not just in your head)

I will feed me to you for as long as I can ok? And you do the same.

I’d say, that’s my version of enlightenment.

and love. and friendship.

Because you’ve always been screaming out into the wild, in your own special way-pretending you aren’t sexy -and acting all shacked up and matronly -but you always knew He heard you. I was there -and I know what you’re doing. So why then won’t you let him into your bed and your heart?

Everyone is hungry, not just the birds.
Birdseed only goes so far, let’s face it.

Because nobody else cares enough to be there watching you breath and move -this flesh with eyes -called you- across the candle lit room of your secret longings -and so the catch is, you be dangerous too. And then you might be able to catch him before he catches you.

Because he can read your mind and he knows what you smell like underneath it all….

We’re feeding Him something outside of ourselves- a different meat-and he doesn’t really want it-

basically, he doesn’t want chicken-

he wants you. You’re the one
he wants.

It’s no sacrifice. No sacrifice at all.

you gave me your heart.

I gave my heart to you.

It’s yours. Take what you want from me. Everything is yours. I’m not afraid. It’s yours. Take what you want from me. It’s all for you…because I always knew, yes, wolf in the dark, I love you too…

tell the truth ok?

because it’s what’s called
howling in the twilight.

Sharada Devi

18 thoughts on “howling in the twilight”

  1. when I put my amazing 5yr old Kumari dakini daughter asleep tonight she asked what’s the most important part of the human body? I told her the heart, and she replied the light inside is the most important part. I cried and thanked her, I’m a really sensitive person lately.
    God is flowing in everything.. The beach the mountains the deserts. The Rock the house the food the cashier the cop.. Gods in trump I know there’s soul in there and I have to love and pray for it. We’re all so lucky to be here in satsang samsara pouring our hearts out to one another. Helping sharing giving and taking; one huge holy orgy of pure crystalline light.
    I can’t stop judging people it’s hard.. I said something horrible about a struggling sister today and someone I call a brother, I should have been more aware of the instigator. Fucking beaver..
    I know they’re sick on drugs like everyone is but why let yourself go deeper and deeper after all the ceremonies we’ve had, the talks; your responsible now. You were coherent when I told you.. I have to pray not judge.
    I’ve been fasting once a week for maybe 4 or 5 months now. I was fasting on Tuesdays but recently switched to wendsdays maybe a month ago. The power of fasting is incredible. It puts me into a very spirtual place. The mornings after I feel replenished and i have very little will to eat, every time I feel hunger I pray. It fills my stomach and soul to cook for my family on these days and I bliss out on mantras while I cook. What I’m trying to relay is I think it’s easier to get through the gate with these practices. I’m not sure what told me to start fasting but I just started to(shortly after my fasting transmissions Im sure baba spoke briefly in a video about trying to do 24 hr water fast).. More recently I’ve learned you can fast on certain days to stoke specific gods and goddesses.

    The wolf in me says I’ll never be anything but a taker and the crow always told me I’m worth more than that so I better get some more bird seed cause I guess I’m just a puppy still..

    Back into the dark to find the light.

    You and baba are so perfect for eachother
    Two of the most romantic people I’ve ever met.
    We’re all so blessed to have you share so much.

    Om namoh bhagavate vasudevaya

    Goddess I’m yours
    God I’m yours
    Do what you will
    Not for yesterday or tomorrow
    For all we have
    Spacecrafts of love
    Are we really here
    Don’t get lost now
    Keen instruction from the source
    I’m your instrument to do YOUR will
    Nothing more
    Thank you

    1. Love is selfless as you’ve learned and
      your wolf is wise, creative and kind.
      fasting is very good to tame and channel
      the wolf hunger. The hunger that causes
      confusion and more suffering…Om

      1. Thank you sister. a lot of things going on, I’m super scattered the past week or so (again). the new moon is coming on mon july 4; its adding so much to my life its hard putting everything together, and life happenings make it hard to find the space to go inside for the real answer.. The time we are living in right now is so potent and powerful and the money masters writing up eviction notices to the the rothschilds or whatever the fuck. WW3 is here for real this time. A lot of people are going to get hurt I fear. The fear is overwhelming and I do my japas and kiss my daughter. people are making me hurt inside by their actions. I’m just some dumb kid from jersey who barely graduated high school and just finally got around to going to college at 30 now.. If your aware of the suffering it can be hard to get back into the beauty of life and the light in it all. What i was saying is that I’m barley educated and I can see(maybe not a lot but i can feel whats right and wrong), yet the majority educated or not just exploit for mammon. Gotta stay in the green earth energy go hug ma and just lay in her embrace without thinking about whats spraying down on me.. they try to take it all but they can’t take the light from inside.
        Im gonna let it shine let it shine let it shine.
        I really need to get out of my way and give it all to god. Its one thing saying it or knowing it but doing it with true sincerity is a huge leap of courage and faith.
        Thank you for the encouragement and support always.

        All of my love to you sister sharada and baba108 and the mother light community and all sentient beings and i love you MAA! thank you for resonating my body back to its blissful state.. everytime.

        Om mani padme hum
        Jai Maa

        Im here now.

        1. Attitude is everything. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you make, how many times you fall- you just keep getting back up
          because the courage is in your heart, not your head. Only love know. Only love cares.
          Only love is real. But not love in wordS,
          love in action. The mind is a disaster for everyone- no psychic space left to breath-
          so we say the mantra to pass the time and
          we open our hearts and cry out the light.
          Love is it. Look for it, find it, let it find you. Be it, show it and give it back.
          Then we’ve done our dharma

  2. Beautiful post,

    I will share with you Kali that I am am still an innocent virgin yet to taste the sweet grasp of the womb upon my flesh yet to be annihilated in the arms of my lover, maybe baba will share you with me and you can be my first love, you can take my virginity 🙂

    Hare Krishna!

    John Kosswix

    1. you are the cutest, deepest, sweetest 25
      year old I’ve ever met!
      and such an expressive writer.
      some girl will be lucky soon I know❤️

    2. If you really haven’t been with a girl; I think your being really brave. I’m sure your goddess is somewhere close.. It always happens for me when Im not trying.

      Best wishes and all my love Johnny!

      Om namo shiva ya 📿

  3. This blog post has really stirred up a lot of emotion in me. And for what it’s worth, this
    is the memory that is has brought up…

    I left a candle burning in the window once.
    I was19 years old with a 6 week old baby
    My husband told me he was going to hitchhike to Tennessee and go live on “The Farm ” with Stephen Gaskin’s people.
    Just like that. I packed him up a bag of food and off he went.

    In this case, I seems more like I left a candle burning in the window for the return of
    the wolf. I don’t know why? Maybe I was “not too bright”…

    My parents couldn’t seem to get the wedding invitations printed fast enough.
    They had wanted me out of the nest for years.

    I met him at the first Rainbow gathering in the Rocky mountains.
    So it had to be my spiritual destiny right?
    We hitched back and forth and up and down just about any place in the US and Canada we could get to with only our backpacks. Reading Autobiography Of A Yogi by candle light. Living in the fern forest of Vermont and so on. It’s what I wanted right? I had seen Easy Rider. I wanted to throw my wrist watch by the side of the road and go look for America… He was a man, that made it safe… Did I love him? I’m not really sure. But he was offering me what I thought I wanted.

    We had known each other for maybe 4 months when suddenly we were getting married.
    I was 18.
    My parents couldn’t seem to get the wedding invitations printed fast enough.
    They had wanted me out of the nest for years.
    He had no job, no place to live and no car.
    My parents had no interest in knowing anything about him.
    They met him and less than a month later, I was no longer their problem.

    I was ” just a mouse in the forest- not too bright ”

    We took instruction though Self Realization Fellowship and everything was set for a ceremony at the Lake Shrine. It was all going to be a such wonderful spiritual adventure.
    The night before the wedding, he told me that I was not pure enough. He had read that in one of his books. All I could think of was that my parents would be so embarrassed…
    So I proceeded to change his mind. Why? – Not too bright I guess…
    Maybe I had been too well schooled by my parents to not value myself enough.

    A large framed poster of Krishna was hung in my Mother’s dining room.
    And everyone had apple cous-cous cake for dessert.
    6 weeks later we were in New York and I was pregnant.

    Back in LA, We set up residence in dingy duplex that my Father’s slum lord friend owned.

    Planning for the birth was a wonderful time. Found a midwife who knew another couple
    expecting about the same time. We would attend each others birth experience depending on who went into labor first. Stella’s birthing time arrived. It was all done in the dark except for candle light and flashlights. They talk about the miracle of childbirth. Well this was an AMAZING experience. The dark room was FILLED with rainbow light, prisms and the energy of the room was humming. Maybe it was just me. On the ride home, the whole world was vibrating and EVERYTHING was aglow with rainbow light.

    My birthing was intense, ethereal and began with rainbows…

    About 10 days later, I had my first black eye.

    5 weeks later, there was a candle in the window…

    He got to The Farm. Was there a few weeks having a grand time. Until they found out that he had abandoned his wife and child and so they drove him out to the highway and dropped him by the side of the road.

    They were really into birthing babies and family and community on The Farm.

    So as fate would have it. The wolf came back to me.

    It turned out he was not only a batterer but also a drug addict and a sex addict.
    And the sacrifice that would last for 22 years had only just begun.

    1. Sri Radhe,
      Is this your husband how? Thank you for the story of how we put candles in the window waiting….but we can’t really wait anymore, can we?
      Life is so beautiful and so sad all at once.
      heart breaking and heart opening.
      you’re headed somewhere divine in this tragedy -my sweetest friend. 🌹✨

      1. No, this was my first husband.
        He died of a heroin overdose in 1994.
        After I left him for the 4th and final time.

        This is hard for me write these things.
        These truths that are so shameful
        and kept secret and hidden.
        My heart is pounding even while I do it.
        But these ( and much more ) are things I have endured.

        But they are not my shames or my doings.
        And I need rise above even the sad memories that they hold.
        And keep on trying to heal the wounds that my life’s tapestry has woven.

        Sometimes I get too heavy in my head and wonder if all that has been my twisted
        experience is my own karmic doing.
        But I try to shake off that negativity and remember to not create more dark places
        to dwell. To be softer on myself.

        1. By your courage you help so many people who
          read this and can relate and will grow strong and lighter because of your compassion.
          No reason to hide in shame, none of us.
          We are the lotus
          who sits perfectly upon the mud
          forever pure.

          1. And it’s so profound that you go there to
            those places -and write it out loud-
            because you’re airing out the
            dirty basement and clearing the bones out of the closets-
            you’re flowing like a divine river of grace.
            and it’s all being washed away in love.
            The love you have for you most of all❤️✨✨

          1. I’m sure he was. We are taught how to hurt
            others and the training starts early on..
            but out of hurt comes healing and that’s
            the heat and salt in our tears.
            It’s that we know the way already….

          2. Yes. He was.

            But haven’t we all been abused as children.
            I was whipped and slapped and verbally and emotionally
            abused throughout my childhood.
            Neglected and abandoned and not cherished as much as a child deserves.

            That is probably why i allowed myself to accept it for so long from him.
            It was familiar and it came from someone who said that they loved me.

            i was always a good, obedient and respectful girl.
            Did what i was told and did not talk back.
            And still i was punished ALL the time.
            Sometimes i was told that when i got hurt,
            that it was God punishing me.

            I got very strong for a few years when my parents were too busy with their own
            lives to care about me.
            At 16, i was taken in by of all people, my Fathers former lover/friend.
            She loved me unconditionally. And i began to sing ( literally ) and shine .

            And then i met my husband. And i was back where i started from.

            i wish that like you John, i had held on to my virginity longer. i resisted because it did not seem like it was the right time. That i had more important things to do and learn.
            But i was pushed by so many people to take that step.
            And once i did, it was not important any more.

            That Shakti / Shiva Love connection should have been much more precious.

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