when the hum would come

When he told me that I was going to die, I felt so sad for Bhagavan Das that he would have to watch me die, the way I watched my father die.
When I heard the words, my mind immediately flew to the ceiling like it did back then, and I felt nothing.

I really am him you know. I’m not just saying that, it’s really true.

And I’ll never tell anyone what happened because it’s almost like a contagious omen to me -and the months leading up to my death, we worshipped me as such. And we were in the middle of nowhere in NC and the house had a huge silver pond and waterfalls and a creek behind the woods down the long wooden walkway…

And somehow both of us knew we had to kill me in the right way this time-and everyday we would gather the items and daggers and salts and yantras -and Bhagavan Das is truly without a doubt a magical being- a powerful shaman -and a seer into the night.

So I had to lay down on the deck that went over the creek -inside the mahavidya circle that I had made – and underneath the dense tall trees-I laid beneath the filtered light staring at the golden leaves-
and he started to pray and everything started to spin -and I could see the other worlds- where my curse was sent from- and the black serpent nagas would slither out of the creek waters -and wind up my body as I lay there- and wrap themselves around me -and smother me -and slip in and out of my soul, hissing in my ears-they would tell me that I was their Queen…

and the black birds sat in the trees watching quietly- And I felt it -and I was so far away up in the golden leaves- and I was on fire -and writhing -and I never moved -and my stomach turned red -and my throat turned black- and my eyes turned white -and I bled and I bled out the dark night of my soul. And tears ran down my face and I don’t know where I am. And I don’t know who I am. And I love you -because you’re someone deeper than the sky that’s seeping you’re someone that I left behind…

And I would hear him, Bhagavan Das yelling at the heavens making an offering out of me. This was the end and we both knew it. This is a true story by the way -and it was our duty to take me out. We of course, had no idea why, no plan or objective-just a command, and I had to go.

And this was the time of The Star of David- and it was a potent six pointed star and they would come and visit me at night and I said, “he’s not ready yet” and I had so many dreams and there were black nagas in the waterfalls and yellow wild flowers and butterflies and this all was a dream.

And I would go in and out of time -and forget how I got here -and I said, “we’ve already done this, it’s already happened.” And this wasn’t real- and I was sinking into the earth and I was flying over the house every night.

And when he would howl at the Indian spirits, my ancestors would come and be with me -and I really just wanted to disappear with them because they’re the ones that I love from the place I’ve left- and I’ve been searching so far and come up pretty short in this lifetime -and I’m looking for you in every magical moment -and I see the howler in your eyes…

Because my world isn’t here and everyone knows it-and so I stopped pretending- and just laid on my grave- and I would say strange things to Him when the Indians came-because Bhagavan Das understands everything I say. He is my father.
And we did this for months and sometimes I would jump up like a spider and land on his chest and I scared him but he never closed his eyes when I shot the bullets as deep as I could.
We didn’t sleep for days, our feet didn’t even touch the ground. We knew they were watching because they REALLY are here -and they brought us together.
Me and Bhagavan Das have been together for thousands of years and we have always been spirit dancers and outcasts. If you don’t find us,
you’re not going to meet them. But I’m not sure anyone is ready for the end.

And how did we know and why did we do it and who came and what do they want from me?  and yet I knew it all- I knew it all along -when the Hum would come at 2am and I would wake up and start talking to them. I don’t know what I’m doing.

“No, I have no symptoms and I feel fine.”
“You’re so thin- look at this X-ray- there is no fat left on your stomach”
“The Eagles took it. What do you want me to say?”
“You’re going to die but we need to slice you open first, gut you like a cold fish, reach inside, drain your blood and then take pictures.”

Bhagavan Das said, “there’s no chance she’ll make it and she’ll be ok?”

“No. Not really. Sorry.”

And I only heard ringing in my ears and the Angels put me on their wings and I inhaled from the hose and all the nagas left. And after I kissed Bhagavan Das goodbye- he went and sat down and prayed and prayed to Neem Karoli Baba…

and  I was gone -and He came to me-and picked me up -and I never felt pain.

After hours I returned and
there was no problem with me and they rolled me in and Bhagavan Das said,” you’re ok, nothing’s wrong” and I don’t remember saying this but they told me I whimpered and said 3 times

“I can’t do anymore Kali Pujas”

I do remember Him saying, “you don’t have to.”

And then they poked me for days draining more blood and then feeding more blood into the tubes. They gave me morphine but I never slept because I was a soldier and I had to stay keen.
And the doctor wanted me to be weak and pathetic but he didn’t realize that He could never take me down. And Bhagavan Das slept in the room and I had to take walks everyday with an oxygen tank dragging behind me with tubes everywhere and stuck up my nose- and the poor children at the hospital were so afraid…

And we finally left and I climbed the stairs. I was vacant and hollow and just like a kite for probably at least 6 months – and Bhagavan Das forced me to eat because I really didn’t think that I could. I would just stare at the ceiling or the ground and think of India -and I would just stare at the trees and cry -and my stomach had staples all the way up -and I looked like Frankenstein- and I didn’t understand what my body even was-because I was so thin- it didn’t seem like I should be alive-

but I was so strong and whoever and whatever would blow life into my nose every night knew that I needed the breath -and whoever you are, I love you forever.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crazy and I know because I asked the crystals who seem to be like a direct connect to their realm- they said, ” no you’re not crazy” (in so many words)

and I’m not sure we understand the light that we radiate- but they do -and they put us together. Again, back together- with something important to do-we just don’t know what -and so we need to follow the
voices to wherever they call us…

People look like phantoms to me -and it seems like I’m all alone and there’s nobody else really out there- and they’re working so hard at whatever they’re doing- and it’s confusing to me -so I stay as far away as I can from the shape shifting sphere of earth people.

I talk to you because I love you and you’re different and you shine like the sun through the trees while I died….

Sharada Devi

12 thoughts on “when the hum would come”

  1. I walked alone up the mountains outside of nepal valley up to the base camp of Mt. everest. All alone a sadhu with a mani in my mouth heading home. The valley floor is 4,000 ft and I was going above solu kumbu which is 14,000 ft. The spirits were strong and rivers flowed deep and cold as I waded across holding my staff with an iron trident on top covered in my blood from the leeches that would fall from the wet trees. I finally reached the temple my bare feet sore from the sharp stones on the path. I knew I had to come to the crystal mountain the sherpas call sagarmatha the mother of the world. She is 29,000 ft the highest on the earth.It was like white lightning hit me that day as I sat down on the hollow ground to worship her white body in the golden sun. Then when my meditation was over and I returned in the Matrix mind of every day reality I saw her as she walked slowly ahead of me on the path. She wore a black tibetan chuba and thick rope like hair that came down her back and almost touched the ground as she walked. She carried a long tibetan prayer book in her hands. I stopped in my tracks as I heard the HUM in my ear the breath of the Dakini. She also stopped and turned around and looked at me, I saw the light in her eyes and my heart flew open like a hawk into the sun. She was Vajrayogini , the one who shows us the way through the waterfall door into the rainbow body. She turned around and kept walking as i stood like a tree rooted in the ground.

    I was on my back 45 years later in the kali temple that we had made in north carolina to welcome in the space beings. She was leaning over me with her Crystal dagger stabbing my heart and then she started to make the sound of the wind, the great HUM high pitched and my inner eye opened and I saw her again. She was standing in front of me at the foot of Mt. Everest. She was born in the body of this crazy american girl who knew who she really was and only her love for the guru kept her going. Om vajradakini HUM phat. never give up. the thunderbolt of enlightened mind also known as bhagavan das

    1. Thank you for sharing this Baba.
      Allowing us to be opened up to more clarity and a visceral understanding of the immense truth of your union with this abiding keeper of the flame.
      What a trip it must be to have the intensely dark and deep yet still light and lofty bond with such a charismatic being.
      Together in eternal union and beyond

    2. FROM SHANE:
      when i was eleven years old i was robbed one night by these two black kids…they took my watch and told me to give them some money and if i didn’t have any money that they were going to shoot me…i told them i didn’t have any money and just started crying…they left me alone…then the next day i told this friend of mine named chris about what had happened…

      later that night i was in the shower and i heard the door bell ring…it was chris and my mother came downstairs to greet him at the door…he told us that he confronted the two boys that robbed me the night before and that they were waiting down the street and chris was afraid that they would follow him back to his house and hurt his grandfather who was handicapped…

      so we let chris in while we called the police…i got back into the shower…

      i heard my mother screaming…i ran out of the shower naked into the kitchen and saw chris leaning over my mother with a knife and my mothers hands flailing…i pulled chris off of her by the sides of his head and started struggling with him…chris was the toughest kid in school at the time and was 15 years old…he was standing up behind me as i was sitting on the floor facing away from him…i somehow got the knife away from him for a second or two and tried to slice at his face but he wrenched the knife from my hands and started stabbing me….he stabbed me in the side of my right face….my left thoracic abdomen and my hands…

      then he got me on the ground and put his knee into my groin…i remember the surreal thought that this is the end…there’s no getting out of this…and the sadness of the light of the kitchen…my mother on her knees pleading chris why are you doing this…why are you doing this…chris looked at my mother and then reached to grab the phone from the kitchen wall receiver….then he ripped the phone out of the wall…and continued to stare at my mother…

      then he started crying and got off of me…and i stood up…in shock…i don’t really remember much of what he said…my mother was saying that i needed to go to the hospital…i looked down and there was blood all over my chest and abdomen…and it was clotting…and i would smear it away and it would start to clot again…like wet red moss…chris picked up a knife and said here cut me…we said NO…we’re not going to call the police…just an ambulance…and my mother ushered him out of the front door…and locked the door…i went into the shower and waited for the ambulance…

      when the ambulance arrived the wound on the side of my face was gushing blood just like in a movie because chris had hit an artery…i spent the night in the hospital and my face swelled up and i was deathly pale….

      for about 6 months or so whenever i would take a shower….i would sometimes hear my mother screaming…once i ran to her bedroom door downstairs at the base of the steps and would cry checking on her…eventually it stopped and i would only think i was hearing the phone ringing…and then eventually even that stopped…

      the next day my mothers boyfriend stopped by the house and mopped up the blood from the kitchen floor…chris was convicted of two counts of malicious wounding as a juvenile…it was in the paper…people were calling the house…i got so tired of telling that story to people…one kid made fun of me in school because of what happened…i punched him in the head and then ran because i was afraid of him…but i couldn’t let him get away with laughing that my mother had been stabbed…she was stabbed in the hands and face…the knife went through the front of her chin and out the bottom somehow…it makes me sad thinking about that…the scar on her face…she shouldn’t have let him in…she should have been smarter than to let an adolescent black male from the ghetto into the house at 10 o’clock…

      1. Well I think that’s what mothers do-
        They let little boys inside when it’s dark and cold outside…
        and I think she is blessed to have a son
        as devoted and courageous as you.

      2. The lessons we learn are constantly mutating. I’m constantly being reminded my lessons aren’t for me (duh).
        . I stabbed a guy one time, but never looked back.

        You’re both brave and beautiful Shane and Shane’s mom! Super Lucky to have one another. I can’t help but feel sadness for Chris. Hes lost and scared. And the grandfather must be hurting and feelin responsible, all we can do is pray. Much much love Shane Shane’s mom ramramramramramram om manipad me hum📿

        Thank you sharada for letting me know about that time you died.
        Baba is a shaman and neem karoli is his brew. Love

        Soo many rainbows everywhere 👼🏿🌈💫

  2. I find it hard to understand what you’re saying here…

    Bhagavan did some kind of ritual on you so that you would die? And then you went into some kind of trance state where you had visions? And then you went through an intense ordeal that made you stronger in the end? Hard to follow…

    Also baba are you going to write another book with some of these stories? It’s here now #2 or something I would like to read it 🙂


    John Kosswix

          1. Better from what? I already feel great 🙂 I want to read part 2 of its here now, sharada Devi and Bhagavan DAS on the trail to God



          2. Bigger Heart every day!
            plus you are so funny and so cute!❤️❤️❤️
            🐻loveable like a teddy bear🐻

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