When he told me that I was going to die, I felt so sad for Bhagavan Das that he would have to watch me die, the way I watched my father die.
When I heard the words, my mind immediately flew to the ceiling like it did back then, and I felt nothing.
I really am him you know. I’m not just saying that, it’s really true.
And I’ll never tell anyone what happened because it’s almost like a contagious omen to me -and the months leading up to my death, we worshipped me as such. And we were in the middle of nowhere in NC and the house had a huge silver pond and waterfalls and a creek behind the woods down the long wooden walkway…
And somehow both of us knew we had to kill me in the right way this time-and everyday we would gather the items and daggers and salts and yantras -and Bhagavan Das is truly without a doubt a magical being- a powerful shaman -and a seer into the night.
So I had to lay down on the deck that went over the creek -inside the mahavidya circle that I had made – and underneath the dense tall trees-I laid beneath the filtered light staring at the golden leaves-
and he started to pray and everything started to spin -and I could see the other worlds- where my curse was sent from- and the black serpent nagas would slither out of the creek waters -and wind up my body as I lay there- and wrap themselves around me -and smother me -and slip in and out of my soul, hissing in my ears-they would tell me that I was their Queen…
and the black birds sat in the trees watching quietly- And I felt it -and I was so far away up in the golden leaves- and I was on fire -and writhing -and I never moved -and my stomach turned red -and my throat turned black- and my eyes turned white -and I bled and I bled out the dark night of my soul. And tears ran down my face and I don’t know where I am. And I don’t know who I am. And I love you -because you’re someone deeper than the sky that’s seeping you’re someone that I left behind…
And I would hear him, Bhagavan Das yelling at the heavens making an offering out of me. This was the end and we both knew it. This is a true story by the way -and it was our duty to take me out. We of course, had no idea why, no plan or objective-just a command, and I had to go.
And this was the time of The Star of David- and it was a potent six pointed star and they would come and visit me at night and I said, “he’s not ready yet” and I had so many dreams and there were black nagas in the waterfalls and yellow wild flowers and butterflies and this all was a dream.
And I would go in and out of time -and forget how I got here -and I said, “we’ve already done this, it’s already happened.” And this wasn’t real- and I was sinking into the earth and I was flying over the house every night.
And when he would howl at the Indian spirits, my ancestors would come and be with me -and I really just wanted to disappear with them because they’re the ones that I love from the place I’ve left- and I’ve been searching so far and come up pretty short in this lifetime -and I’m looking for you in every magical moment -and I see the howler in your eyes…
Because my world isn’t here and everyone knows it-and so I stopped pretending- and just laid on my grave- and I would say strange things to Him when the Indians came-because Bhagavan Das understands everything I say. He is my father.
And we did this for months and sometimes I would jump up like a spider and land on his chest and I scared him but he never closed his eyes when I shot the bullets as deep as I could.
We didn’t sleep for days, our feet didn’t even touch the ground. We knew they were watching because they REALLY are here -and they brought us together.
Me and Bhagavan Das have been together for thousands of years and we have always been spirit dancers and outcasts. If you don’t find us,
you’re not going to meet them. But I’m not sure anyone is ready for the end.
And how did we know and why did we do it and who came and what do they want from me? and yet I knew it all- I knew it all along -when the Hum would come at 2am and I would wake up and start talking to them. I don’t know what I’m doing.
“No, I have no symptoms and I feel fine.”
“You’re so thin- look at this X-ray- there is no fat left on your stomach”
“The Eagles took it. What do you want me to say?”
“You’re going to die but we need to slice you open first, gut you like a cold fish, reach inside, drain your blood and then take pictures.”
Bhagavan Das said, “there’s no chance she’ll make it and she’ll be ok?”
“No. Not really. Sorry.”
And I only heard ringing in my ears and the Angels put me on their wings and I inhaled from the hose and all the nagas left. And after I kissed Bhagavan Das goodbye- he went and sat down and prayed and prayed to Neem Karoli Baba…
and I was gone -and He came to me-and picked me up -and I never felt pain.
After hours I returned and
there was no problem with me and they rolled me in and Bhagavan Das said,” you’re ok, nothing’s wrong” and I don’t remember saying this but they told me I whimpered and said 3 times
“I can’t do anymore Kali Pujas”
I do remember Him saying, “you don’t have to.”
And then they poked me for days draining more blood and then feeding more blood into the tubes. They gave me morphine but I never slept because I was a soldier and I had to stay keen.
And the doctor wanted me to be weak and pathetic but he didn’t realize that He could never take me down. And Bhagavan Das slept in the room and I had to take walks everyday with an oxygen tank dragging behind me with tubes everywhere and stuck up my nose- and the poor children at the hospital were so afraid…
And we finally left and I climbed the stairs. I was vacant and hollow and just like a kite for probably at least 6 months – and Bhagavan Das forced me to eat because I really didn’t think that I could. I would just stare at the ceiling or the ground and think of India -and I would just stare at the trees and cry -and my stomach had staples all the way up -and I looked like Frankenstein- and I didn’t understand what my body even was-because I was so thin- it didn’t seem like I should be alive-
but I was so strong and whoever and whatever would blow life into my nose every night knew that I needed the breath -and whoever you are, I love you forever.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crazy and I know because I asked the crystals who seem to be like a direct connect to their realm- they said, ” no you’re not crazy” (in so many words)
and I’m not sure we understand the light that we radiate- but they do -and they put us together. Again, back together- with something important to do-we just don’t know what -and so we need to follow the
voices to wherever they call us…
People look like phantoms to me -and it seems like I’m all alone and there’s nobody else really out there- and they’re working so hard at whatever they’re doing- and it’s confusing to me -so I stay as far away as I can from the shape shifting sphere of earth people.
I talk to you because I love you and you’re different and you shine like the sun through the trees while I died….